LOL, since someone out there cares about what has been happening I will tell ya.
I got released from house arrest on Oct 24th. I have regular probation for one more year and I will go for another early term in about March or so. But it feels good to be out of the house.
The man and I are making it official on December 23rd. Yes, we finally decided to get married. It is more for the kids and tax purposes. Not meaning we don't love each other and this is it for us. But if we did not have kids, we would not feel the need to pay the state for a piece of paper that says it. It's just another way for the gov to make some money off people.
The pregnancy is going well, I am very excited now and have become quite impatient. I am barely showing (18 weeks) and I am ready to be big. I can feel her move everyday now. They were not real sure it is a "she" at the ultrasound, the baby was not in the prime position. But i feel like it is a girl. I will be looking into seeing a midwife at a birthing center. Right now I am still at the health dept. until the medicaid kicks in. They are taking their time.
Financially right now we are screwed. as many others are. Thanks Bush! you stupid fucker. I am soooooooooo happy Obama made it in. I have the feeling he will be one of our greatest presidents. Anything is better than another fucking republican. So we are trying to get assistance but it is taking longer than usual. The power may be shut off. But I do have some places to go for help. We have been low on food also. I got the names of some food pantries to go to. So that sucks but I know it is temporary. I have been here before, I have been in worse situations, just never with the kids. Luckily we are getting toys for tots to get presents for our kids and my in laws always load them down. At least we have our house still and that is not in danger and we have family that would help if it comes down to it, which is more than some people have. I am thankful for that.
So that's it. I hope that you are all well and happy. Except for you ignorant fucks, I hope you die a horrible death after suffering and your family morns your loss for the rest of their days. Mwhahahaha
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Update!!
Ok people are compaling so I guess I should update, lol. Sorry but I just hate keeping up with two journals and I am in love with livejournal. So I will post a few of my entries from there.
But first, my newest news. I have a court date on the 24th for a hearing to determine possible early termination from community control (house arrest without the anklet). My officer wants to be there, he has been really nice and would like to see me get off probation. So, of course, he is putting in a good recommendation. I am thinking they will just commute the rest of my sentence to regular probation. If that's all I can get, I will take it. But it makes me nervous. I will not be doing anything to get into trouble but you don't have to in Florida. The regular probation officers look for anything to violate you. Especially at the end of your probation, even if it's just some stupid technical on paperwork. So I will be on eggshells unless I get a decent officer, which is hard to tell because they act all nicey nice to gain trust, but they are two-faced snakes. So anyhow, on to the rest of the updating:
You know what? Nevermind. I will just tell you. I am about 16 weeks along now. Everything is a-ok so far. I heard the little strong heartbeat and I have been feeling the baby move almost everyday now. Some sickness and I am very tired alot. But now that I am in the 2nd trimester that should start to subside now. I have a sonogram on the 22nd and I hope the lil bean has it's legs open so we know what it is. I have been doing tons of stuff around the house. Rearranging and general cleaning. There is just alot of stuff that needed to be taked care of. This baby has lit a fire to get it all done. Early nesting?
I found out that medicaid covers midwives. Right now I am going to the health department until my medicaid kicks in. I always wanted to do a waterbirth with a midwife with my other kids. But it wasn't very common here at the time. So we shall see. I am just happy that we are both healthy and that all the shit I have done has not affected us.
I do have an issue with a few friends of mine. But I will post that later. I am hungry now and have to go. I will try to update more often. If you are on livejournal and would like to add me and you are not an asshole my name is Carrion_Army. And yes I have a fascination with the worn carrion. I think it's purty.
But first, my newest news. I have a court date on the 24th for a hearing to determine possible early termination from community control (house arrest without the anklet). My officer wants to be there, he has been really nice and would like to see me get off probation. So, of course, he is putting in a good recommendation. I am thinking they will just commute the rest of my sentence to regular probation. If that's all I can get, I will take it. But it makes me nervous. I will not be doing anything to get into trouble but you don't have to in Florida. The regular probation officers look for anything to violate you. Especially at the end of your probation, even if it's just some stupid technical on paperwork. So I will be on eggshells unless I get a decent officer, which is hard to tell because they act all nicey nice to gain trust, but they are two-faced snakes. So anyhow, on to the rest of the updating:
You know what? Nevermind. I will just tell you. I am about 16 weeks along now. Everything is a-ok so far. I heard the little strong heartbeat and I have been feeling the baby move almost everyday now. Some sickness and I am very tired alot. But now that I am in the 2nd trimester that should start to subside now. I have a sonogram on the 22nd and I hope the lil bean has it's legs open so we know what it is. I have been doing tons of stuff around the house. Rearranging and general cleaning. There is just alot of stuff that needed to be taked care of. This baby has lit a fire to get it all done. Early nesting?
I found out that medicaid covers midwives. Right now I am going to the health department until my medicaid kicks in. I always wanted to do a waterbirth with a midwife with my other kids. But it wasn't very common here at the time. So we shall see. I am just happy that we are both healthy and that all the shit I have done has not affected us.
I do have an issue with a few friends of mine. But I will post that later. I am hungry now and have to go. I will try to update more often. If you are on livejournal and would like to add me and you are not an asshole my name is Carrion_Army. And yes I have a fascination with the worn carrion. I think it's purty.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
oh baby!
Went down to the health clinic and had it confirmed that I am indeed pregnant and get an appointment set up to get insurance and WIC. So I go back on Oct 1. I am actually starting to get a bit excited in spite of myself. However I am about to worry myself to death over my ovarian cysts. I am not usually a worrier so I blame it on the hormones. I also worry about the damage I have done to my body because of the drugs. Mainly the year and half of shooting coke, 6 months of that being almost everyday. I was not planning on more kids. But there is nothing I can do til I see the doctor, so I am trying to get myself all freaked out. I will keep you all posted on how things go.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
It's everywhere
Pregnancy! # girls in my neighborhood are pregnant, my man's cousin, a fellow blogger too. Then it's all I see on t.v. and in magazines. With my second kid, I saw pregnant women everywhere I went.
So friday when I took the test I already pretty much knew. I had known for two weeks but didn't WANT to know. I was just hoping the sickness and tiredness was due to my kidneys or complications from the cysts. But alas, no I am pregnant. I will be making an appointment to see the doctor to confirm next week. But I know my body, I've been pregnant twice before.
Both me and Chad are pro-choice but for us, at this time, I don't feel like abortion is the right choice. So time to get healthy for my new little one. Boy, I did NOT want to start over with a baby in diapers. My youngest will be 9 in a few months. I was pretty freaked out the first day but have come to accept it now. My boyfriend is still in denial, lol. I mean he KNOWS, but he is hoping it is a false positive from having ovarian cysts. But either way he's not upset. IDK, he is just very laid back and figures, oh well, that's life. We will just have to work a bit harder now.
The ovarian cysts do worry me with pregnancy, they can cause al kinds of problems and may require surgery. And I have been having sharp pains in my abdomen, the same kind I get every month before my period due to the cysts. Except I am having them alot more.
We are pretty sure that our last mini coke binge is what got us into this mess. And since then I have only done one small shot of some really shitty coke that didn't even feel like anything. So of course no more of that. I did take a few hydros but from the info I have found that would not cause any problems, but no more of that from now on either. the only thing I will be popping is prenatal vitamins. I never did drugs while pregnant with either of my other children and it is not something I will chance. Even though I know in some circumstance women take prescribed hydrocodone while pregnant and doctors say it is ok in small doses. Obviously I don't NEED them.
One thing I do worry about is the damage I have done to my body. Cocaine is so hard on the blood system and your body in general. One good thing is I will be getting good healthcare for awhile to come. In the process I can get myself healthy again.
I am trying to believe everything happens for a reason. And I usually do believe that. But another kid? In this world, with the government and the country going down the way it is? With the economy the way it is? I wanted my tubes tied, burned, frozen, dessimated, after my second kid. But the general rule here was you had to have 3 kids or be 25. I was 2 months from being 25. I just keep thinking about all this entails. Most women, with their first pregnancys have no idea. They think in terms of the immediate. They don't have the experience of having kids already and knowing what is in store. I don't have that luxury. For christs sake I have a teenager and now a baby?
So friday when I took the test I already pretty much knew. I had known for two weeks but didn't WANT to know. I was just hoping the sickness and tiredness was due to my kidneys or complications from the cysts. But alas, no I am pregnant. I will be making an appointment to see the doctor to confirm next week. But I know my body, I've been pregnant twice before.
Both me and Chad are pro-choice but for us, at this time, I don't feel like abortion is the right choice. So time to get healthy for my new little one. Boy, I did NOT want to start over with a baby in diapers. My youngest will be 9 in a few months. I was pretty freaked out the first day but have come to accept it now. My boyfriend is still in denial, lol. I mean he KNOWS, but he is hoping it is a false positive from having ovarian cysts. But either way he's not upset. IDK, he is just very laid back and figures, oh well, that's life. We will just have to work a bit harder now.
The ovarian cysts do worry me with pregnancy, they can cause al kinds of problems and may require surgery. And I have been having sharp pains in my abdomen, the same kind I get every month before my period due to the cysts. Except I am having them alot more.
We are pretty sure that our last mini coke binge is what got us into this mess. And since then I have only done one small shot of some really shitty coke that didn't even feel like anything. So of course no more of that. I did take a few hydros but from the info I have found that would not cause any problems, but no more of that from now on either. the only thing I will be popping is prenatal vitamins. I never did drugs while pregnant with either of my other children and it is not something I will chance. Even though I know in some circumstance women take prescribed hydrocodone while pregnant and doctors say it is ok in small doses. Obviously I don't NEED them.
One thing I do worry about is the damage I have done to my body. Cocaine is so hard on the blood system and your body in general. One good thing is I will be getting good healthcare for awhile to come. In the process I can get myself healthy again.
I am trying to believe everything happens for a reason. And I usually do believe that. But another kid? In this world, with the government and the country going down the way it is? With the economy the way it is? I wanted my tubes tied, burned, frozen, dessimated, after my second kid. But the general rule here was you had to have 3 kids or be 25. I was 2 months from being 25. I just keep thinking about all this entails. Most women, with their first pregnancys have no idea. They think in terms of the immediate. They don't have the experience of having kids already and knowing what is in store. I don't have that luxury. For christs sake I have a teenager and now a baby?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Update, not sure why I bother
I know I have been all but non-exsistent. Like I siad before, I am a livejournal addict so I write most of my stuff there. I'm going to give you the short version becuase I have been in poor health lately. I drank a few weeks back, I don't really drink at all anymore. But a friend I haven't seen in awhile came into town. Anyhow it took me two days to recover and the rest of the week I was rundown and nauseous. So the next friday I got an oxy and two hydrocodone. I took them and started to puke, ok no biggie they do that sometimes. A friend came by and gave me a free shot of coke and that was it. I was puking my guts up non stop. Puking so hard I could not hold myself up. Apparently my kidneys have had enough. So I got over that but since then I am rundown all the time. So tired I can barely move at times and I get nauseous alot. I am goig to take a pregnancy test tomorrow just to rule that out. But I have a sneaking suspiscion it's my kidneys or just the overall damage I've done. I also have cysts on my ovaries that are giving me alot of pain recently so I am going to be making my way to the doctors very soon. So other than the above named drugs I haven't and won't be doing anything until I get my health in order, which may very well keep me from doing anything for a very long time anyhow. Such is the life of an addict.*sigh*
**sidenote. I know the haters are gona be biting at this one. But there is nothing you can say that I haven't already accepted. I knew the health risk going in and still made the decision to use. And yeah, yeah, I know you think I'm a stupid junkie whore, whatever, blah blah blah, go fucking kill yourself. There I said it all for ya, ain't I soo nice, lol. Now you don't have to waste your time. Oh I forgot thats part of the point, your life sucks so you gota read about mine and throw your ignorant comments, otherwise your exsistence is bland.
**sidenote. I know the haters are gona be biting at this one. But there is nothing you can say that I haven't already accepted. I knew the health risk going in and still made the decision to use. And yeah, yeah, I know you think I'm a stupid junkie whore, whatever, blah blah blah, go fucking kill yourself. There I said it all for ya, ain't I soo nice, lol. Now you don't have to waste your time. Oh I forgot thats part of the point, your life sucks so you gota read about mine and throw your ignorant comments, otherwise your exsistence is bland.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Nothing new
Well there is nothing much going on. Staying drug free, focusing on getting my kids adjusted to a new school year. I will be submitting my letter to the judge for early term proably next week, they will review my file and set a hearing date. I hate going in to court and I am a bit nervous. But if they deny me I will only have 6 more months to go. I have already done almost a year and half so...
Decided to just sell the beamer. Not really my style. It needed a lil body work so my husband and the new guy busted it out and flipped it for a nice price. We have a few possible hurricanes a brewin. One is supposed to pass us by but the other looks like it may hit. I hope not. 2004 was bad for hurricanes here. A tree fell on our house. I may get a few hydros or a morphine pill this weekend but if not...no biggie. But it would be nice to have a lil something.
And thats it, nothing really new and exciting much. I was having major pill cravings but they have subsided. I update my LJ alot morethan here if anyone is on there and wants to friend. I just like LJ alot more. I love all the communities, I have made alot of friends which is hard for me even over the internet. But if anything good and juicy comes up I will be sure to let ya know.
Decided to just sell the beamer. Not really my style. It needed a lil body work so my husband and the new guy busted it out and flipped it for a nice price. We have a few possible hurricanes a brewin. One is supposed to pass us by but the other looks like it may hit. I hope not. 2004 was bad for hurricanes here. A tree fell on our house. I may get a few hydros or a morphine pill this weekend but if not...no biggie. But it would be nice to have a lil something.
And thats it, nothing really new and exciting much. I was having major pill cravings but they have subsided. I update my LJ alot morethan here if anyone is on there and wants to friend. I just like LJ alot more. I love all the communities, I have made alot of friends which is hard for me even over the internet. But if anything good and juicy comes up I will be sure to let ya know.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Shut up
i am in an irritated mood atm so this will be a short update.
second weekend with no coke. yay! haven't even craved it. and all i took was a couple hydros. don't even feel like getting anymore atm.
before you anons post comments, feel free to ask me questions. sometimes ppl make assumptions in their comments. i hate assumptions, altho i am guilty of it too sometimes. i try not to do it. i will answer you honestly, i have nothing to lose. not like any of you think much of me anyways. but at least it will help you make more intelligent comments (i know it IS a stretch in hoping that will happen, haahaa).
edit: someone said i mock and ignore criticism-here was my reply-"ps, of course i mock and ignore criticism. first of all, the anons just want to spew insults. none of you have bothered to try giving constructive criticism. secondly, i dont even know who these ppl are. do you take criticism from ppl you dont even know? i mean how smart would that be, you cant even leave your name yet you expect me to take your criticism, how ridiculous is that. i mean come on seriously?
if one of you tried to talk to me like an adult without insults thrown in than maybe i would take you more seriously.
no one is going to listen to someone who just sits there and puts them down."
thats it nothing too exciting, oh cept i got a new car, yay. well actually not too yay. its an older BMW. i am NOT a beamer type of girl. altho, i did have a dream about getting one like a year ago. it's in good condition overall. i really want a transam '71-'75 year model. my bf's buisness is really picking up. he hired a guy who does mechanic work so he can take on some jobs he did not feel comfortable doing on his own. he is an excellent welder but has not done alot of car work previously. the new guy is real nice and a good worked so far. been with us now for almost 3 weeks.
second weekend with no coke. yay! haven't even craved it. and all i took was a couple hydros. don't even feel like getting anymore atm.
before you anons post comments, feel free to ask me questions. sometimes ppl make assumptions in their comments. i hate assumptions, altho i am guilty of it too sometimes. i try not to do it. i will answer you honestly, i have nothing to lose. not like any of you think much of me anyways. but at least it will help you make more intelligent comments (i know it IS a stretch in hoping that will happen, haahaa).
edit: someone said i mock and ignore criticism-here was my reply-"ps, of course i mock and ignore criticism. first of all, the anons just want to spew insults. none of you have bothered to try giving constructive criticism. secondly, i dont even know who these ppl are. do you take criticism from ppl you dont even know? i mean how smart would that be, you cant even leave your name yet you expect me to take your criticism, how ridiculous is that. i mean come on seriously?
if one of you tried to talk to me like an adult without insults thrown in than maybe i would take you more seriously.
no one is going to listen to someone who just sits there and puts them down."
thats it nothing too exciting, oh cept i got a new car, yay. well actually not too yay. its an older BMW. i am NOT a beamer type of girl. altho, i did have a dream about getting one like a year ago. it's in good condition overall. i really want a transam '71-'75 year model. my bf's buisness is really picking up. he hired a guy who does mechanic work so he can take on some jobs he did not feel comfortable doing on his own. he is an excellent welder but has not done alot of car work previously. the new guy is real nice and a good worked so far. been with us now for almost 3 weeks.
Monday, August 18, 2008
I am back
I know I just posted but I just read something that pisses me off.
Once again fucking NA being stuck up their own fucking asses.
How can ppl like this stick their fucking noses up at others?
It sickens me. It really, really does.
And all you fucking supporters, don't bother with your lame ass comments. Half the time I don't even read the whole comment. I have a short attention span and cannot be bothered with your rambling, seriously(and just because i responded to it, doesn't mean i read all of it, you ppl are all the same and say all the same shit overandoverandover again *sigh*). Even when I am dead bored, I have better things to do. I hate wasting time on bad movies and ppl I don't know nor care about talking shit. Of course obviously you guys love it since you come here and read me, even though you don't like what I write about, lol. If you are leaving it to spew your garbage so others can be subjected to your narrow mindedness go right ahead, be my guest.
Sooooo, this girl who's LJ I read. She has been in NA for years, giving it a real go. But it just wasn't enough, so she is on maintnance. But since she is on the meth program, stupid fucking NA won't help her because she is still "using". Go shove it up your fucking tight arse! She Found a methadone anon group online and bought a step book but has no sponser or anyone close to help her work the steps. She found a sponser online in another state, but I am sure having someone in person would be better. IDK. I think it's fucked up. Don't get me wrong...I do not COMPLETELY AGREE with the methadone program and I am not COMPLETELY AGAINST NA. To me whatever works for someone, to help keep them clean and happy is all that matters. I think NA can be a good program for alot of ppl but not EVERY SINGLE ADDICT. And they certainly have NO RIGHT at all to turn their nose up at other programs. This is what I hated about NA when I gave it a shot. The ppl who had 1 year were such fucking snots. And even the guy running the place told them they better be careful. The ones who had a long time clean, who forgot where they came from were the ones most at risk for relapse
It makes me ad for this girl. You can tell she really is trying the best way she knows how to get clean. She normally shoots 3 bags at a time and does not get high off her methadone. She is reaching out for help and no one will help her because they are so stuckup their own fat asses. Fuck em. More and more ppl are starting to smell their shit. She actually put off going on meth b/c they were telling her not too and it is what has saved her life. She is so happy that she decided to no longer listen to them.
Ok that's it I am done. haahaa.
Once again fucking NA being stuck up their own fucking asses.
How can ppl like this stick their fucking noses up at others?
It sickens me. It really, really does.
And all you fucking supporters, don't bother with your lame ass comments. Half the time I don't even read the whole comment. I have a short attention span and cannot be bothered with your rambling, seriously(and just because i responded to it, doesn't mean i read all of it, you ppl are all the same and say all the same shit overandoverandover again *sigh*). Even when I am dead bored, I have better things to do. I hate wasting time on bad movies and ppl I don't know nor care about talking shit. Of course obviously you guys love it since you come here and read me, even though you don't like what I write about, lol. If you are leaving it to spew your garbage so others can be subjected to your narrow mindedness go right ahead, be my guest.
Sooooo, this girl who's LJ I read. She has been in NA for years, giving it a real go. But it just wasn't enough, so she is on maintnance. But since she is on the meth program, stupid fucking NA won't help her because she is still "using". Go shove it up your fucking tight arse! She Found a methadone anon group online and bought a step book but has no sponser or anyone close to help her work the steps. She found a sponser online in another state, but I am sure having someone in person would be better. IDK. I think it's fucked up. Don't get me wrong...I do not COMPLETELY AGREE with the methadone program and I am not COMPLETELY AGAINST NA. To me whatever works for someone, to help keep them clean and happy is all that matters. I think NA can be a good program for alot of ppl but not EVERY SINGLE ADDICT. And they certainly have NO RIGHT at all to turn their nose up at other programs. This is what I hated about NA when I gave it a shot. The ppl who had 1 year were such fucking snots. And even the guy running the place told them they better be careful. The ones who had a long time clean, who forgot where they came from were the ones most at risk for relapse
It makes me ad for this girl. You can tell she really is trying the best way she knows how to get clean. She normally shoots 3 bags at a time and does not get high off her methadone. She is reaching out for help and no one will help her because they are so stuckup their own fat asses. Fuck em. More and more ppl are starting to smell their shit. She actually put off going on meth b/c they were telling her not too and it is what has saved her life. She is so happy that she decided to no longer listen to them.
Ok that's it I am done. haahaa.
Chairman of the bored
I am so bored right now. There is nothing on T.V., I have done all I feel like doing on the internet. There is a stupid tropical storm, which might turn into a mild hurricane, on the way. I have been through MUCH worse. I just have to drag some plants in.
So I am pretty proud of us. No coke this weekend, didn't even fiend for it. I just know it is not an option. So for now there is no point pining over it. I had a few pills left over from last weekend, but we didn't buy anything. Our connect stopped by to say "hi". He meets his dude right by the house. But he didn't bug us to get anything which is cool cause he usally does. My bf must have had a talk with him about it. Usually we SAY we are gonna leave it alone and then as soon as he drops in that goes out the window. But not this time.
The kids started back to school, thank gawd. They were starting to pick at each other, which they do at the same time each year right before school starts. Letting me know they are ready to go back.
I wrote my letter to the judge. My mother in law is polishing it up for me. Then my bf will hand deliver it to the judge this week for a hearing date. Wish me luck! They are proably just going to convert me to regular probation for the remainder. Which is giving me just enough rope... but that's not an option this time. This time it will be prison. But it won't come to that. I know myself too well. You know what's funny. I have really good intuition. Sometimes I can just feel things and I know something bad is going to happen yet I still keep on going in that direction. Stupid huh? Well at least you can't say I am not focused and determined. I have learned to start trusting my instincts more now. Anyways, enough with the mystical psychic shit. lol I don't think I am psychic in any way. I think this is a natural part of every human being. It is just whether or not you are open to it.
Other than all that boring crap there is absolutely nothing new and exciting to report as of yet. And honestly I hope it stays that way for a bit.
So I am pretty proud of us. No coke this weekend, didn't even fiend for it. I just know it is not an option. So for now there is no point pining over it. I had a few pills left over from last weekend, but we didn't buy anything. Our connect stopped by to say "hi". He meets his dude right by the house. But he didn't bug us to get anything which is cool cause he usally does. My bf must have had a talk with him about it. Usually we SAY we are gonna leave it alone and then as soon as he drops in that goes out the window. But not this time.
The kids started back to school, thank gawd. They were starting to pick at each other, which they do at the same time each year right before school starts. Letting me know they are ready to go back.
I wrote my letter to the judge. My mother in law is polishing it up for me. Then my bf will hand deliver it to the judge this week for a hearing date. Wish me luck! They are proably just going to convert me to regular probation for the remainder. Which is giving me just enough rope... but that's not an option this time. This time it will be prison. But it won't come to that. I know myself too well. You know what's funny. I have really good intuition. Sometimes I can just feel things and I know something bad is going to happen yet I still keep on going in that direction. Stupid huh? Well at least you can't say I am not focused and determined. I have learned to start trusting my instincts more now. Anyways, enough with the mystical psychic shit. lol I don't think I am psychic in any way. I think this is a natural part of every human being. It is just whether or not you are open to it.
Other than all that boring crap there is absolutely nothing new and exciting to report as of yet. And honestly I hope it stays that way for a bit.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Flying Douchebags
For some reason lately I have been craving weed. I haven't smoked for the most part of 4 years and it hasn't really bothered me. What got me started on it was one night coming down off coke. I didn't have anything else, my bf was smoking and I really wished I could have. But this has happened before so IDK what the sudden interest is. I used to have dreams about it. I would "accidentally" smoke, forgetting I was on probation and I would wake up freaking out trying to figure out if it was real.
I have 18 hydros sitting in front of me. I am achy, chilly, sneezy and have a sore throat and can't take em. Isn't that about a bitch, haahaa. Oh well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I know what I am getting into and still choose to do it. So suffer away I will.
I have a new guilty pleasure. I know, I KNOW, it's really lame but... I like watching reruns of the old 90210. I didn't even watch that shit when it first came out. But for some reason I love to watch it now and sit there and bitch about how fucking stupid it is.
Oh and my bf is being a fucking total douchebag the last few days. I let him get away with it every now and then, get it out of his system. But he is pushing it. He is also bringing up a bunch of crap. Maybe I will explain all that one day, but it is alot and I have no patience so I will proably have to break it up into chapters or something, lol. For now, just know that he is a taurus and even when he knows he is wrong, will not admit it. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate ppl who can't admit their faults an mistakes. Anyways, I'm bored. cya.
I have 18 hydros sitting in front of me. I am achy, chilly, sneezy and have a sore throat and can't take em. Isn't that about a bitch, haahaa. Oh well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I know what I am getting into and still choose to do it. So suffer away I will.
I have a new guilty pleasure. I know, I KNOW, it's really lame but... I like watching reruns of the old 90210. I didn't even watch that shit when it first came out. But for some reason I love to watch it now and sit there and bitch about how fucking stupid it is.
Oh and my bf is being a fucking total douchebag the last few days. I let him get away with it every now and then, get it out of his system. But he is pushing it. He is also bringing up a bunch of crap. Maybe I will explain all that one day, but it is alot and I have no patience so I will proably have to break it up into chapters or something, lol. For now, just know that he is a taurus and even when he knows he is wrong, will not admit it. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate ppl who can't admit their faults an mistakes. Anyways, I'm bored. cya.
Monday, August 11, 2008
For all you hard core 12 steppers out there
I know, I know this a holy hella long ass thing to read. I x-posted it from a harm reduction community. One of my life journal friends who works in harm reduction wrote this about the much overrated 12 step program. I wanted to share it with the world.
EDIT: I was just sent a copy of the magazine called "Mainline" where this article was published. The author is also the editor of mainline and works for the RWC- http://www.rwc.org.nz/
it is a harm reduction center in Christchurch, NZ.
They have alot of other good articles I may share with you guys in the future, especially if I get a scanner because I am way too lazy to type it all out.heh.
if abstenteeism is the benchmark for treatment then relapse must be itsultimate failure or would this be too simplistic. I personally think, theprolific and wide spread use/saturation of the 12 steps treatments and totalabstinance are the laziest forms of para-therapies. Its making money from asystem which was never designed to be implimented in such a form. I get thezig when considering the billions of people dependant on pharmacologicalprescriptions, which are viewed as acceptable as the political and societalfingers are pointed at the 'addicts', the people of choice.You get enough christians too say 'what we are missing and need is god andJesus in our lifes and they will be followed to the ends of earth, the sameseems to ring true, for the spiritual parade of the 12 steppers terrorisedby one drug is too many and a thousand never enough.Living without drugs is like giving up woman or men because we got hurt orinto trouble, is love that dangerous.what do i know ime just a serial failure-
person undergoing 12-Step treatment
This is, in my opinion, a procatively honest and courageous admission of the counter-productive internal state of confusion and uncertainty following exposure to 12-Step addiction treatment.
12-Step treatment is abstinance based, there is no mid-ground between abstinence and habitual drug use, except for the act of "relapse", an ambiguous term with as many ambiguous embedded values. As there is no middle-ground in 12-Step treatment, it inevitably creates an invisible, albeit operative, dualism that ultimately results in the risk of a person adopting the moral values ascribed to addiction and drug use behaviors that are socially biased and bound by conventional and unchallenged, not to forget out-moded, labels denoting negative social behaviors that are anti-social in their inherently unchallenged immorality. Whilst 12-Step theories may not crudely admit to the use of moral value judgments, it is a common occurrence in their literature and meeting formats. eg. the key tag is a tool to separate members into a hierarchy of clean time. An applause is received upon the presentation of the key tag; the "ultimate" key-tag status is furthermore hierarchichal and adops value based notiong in the very material they are made of, ie. gold is worth more than silver. That 12-Step groups adopt unconsciously accepted positive reactions in order to acknowledge an individuals "clean time" is suggestive that "clean time" is synonymous with "good behavior". In short, this gives rise to contexts that spiral into a chain-effect of positve/negative re-enforcements, ie. good/bad, abstinent/clean, recovery/addiction, serene/sick, winners/losers. Because 12-step theories leave no room for a mid-ground, it forms a dualistic linguistic system of postive/negative groupings. Negative and disempowering personal labels are abundant in the nature of 12-Step literature. eg. the "inability" to remain abstinent is a defect of the character, a powerlessness over one's free will, a weakness, a surrender that wasn't surrendering enough. In other words, shortfall after shortcoming that separate him/her from the "winners" (thus suggesting the logic of "I am not a winner, I am the opposite").
It disgusts me that 12-Step groups continue to operate despite the fact they fulfil every critera of what constitutes a "cult", all at the expense of an addict seeking help and guidance, not a mandatory adoption of 12-Step concepts and ideologies. Whilst i'ts no longer in bad taste to condemn or make fun of Scientology as a "cult religion", it is still exceptionally taboo to pigeon-hole 12-groups into the same category. It makes no difference that 12-Step groups operate similarly, yet they are spared negative criticism and public ridicule so often slapped in the face of Scientology.
If addiction is treatable and it's taken for granted that it's a social 'problem' in desperate need of a solution, why are addiction treatment based services still (for the most part) married to the rhetorical and dogmatic ideas belonging to 12-Step theories, when there are other methods and concepts of addiction treatment similarly available? Perhaps it's because 12-Step groups and rehabilitation units are far too subjective and self-interested, afraid that their promise that the prgram works without fail (only for those that accept to live by the ideologies that lead to a life in "recovery') will be threatened by the alternative lifestyle choices afforded by other addiction treatment theories that do not make abstinence the end goal, or a goal with any moral or social significance. That lessens the necessity for re-treatment and lessens the dependance of the addict on social services.
Just as harm reduction is a human right, so should the option of non-moral value aadiction treatment programs be a human-right. What is more, 12-Step groups and rehabilitation facilities should not be made conditional in the sentencing of drug-related crimes, nor should attending a 12-Step program be used as a "reward" or an incentive to reduce a sentence. It would be publicly slammed if attending church every Sunday was made a condition of one's parole. However, one can safely guess that at least in this hypthetical situation, one would be able to choose their own choice of church. Why? Because of the acceptance of an individual having the right to choose a belief system that corresponds with their own. Why is the addict not allowed to choose a system that co-operates with their own set of beliefs without being forced to adopt concepts that are incongruous as well as difficult to comprehend? The treatment of addiction requires one to re-evaluate their own beliefs and life-style choices. Why complicate matters further by inducing a set of beliefs and theories that the individual may not relate to for whatever reasons, or to insist the individual finds an identity within the constructs because it is expected?
The treatment of psychological, psychiatric or mental health concerns are met by an evaluation and investigation with the emphasis on what will work for the individual considering the context of the situation. The suitable treatment option for an individual presented with the aspects of addiction should be entitled to the same format. As addiction concerns physical and psychological factors, the application of a "treatment" that accommodates the internal factors which are unique to the invidual's own socio-cultural experiences, rather than expect the individual to respond to the universal treatment of addiction adopted by 12-Step groups.
The 12-Step theory diagnoses each addict as suffering from the "disease of addiction". It is not the individual's fault that they have been by a disease that can't be "cured". The disease concept also encourages individuals not to think of themselves as the only one's, "we're not unique!" to "you're not alone!". Not only is the individual with a current substance addiction possessed by the "disease" of addiction, so are those close to you! They are part of the disease and also require 12-Step therapy. Hence, the addict will ask his closest kin to attend 12-Step groups designed to cater for those on the receiving end of addictive behavior. These groups are available under the premise they're to help empower those living with the "disease of addiction". In short, these groups bear every resemblance to the non-addict 12-Step group. They are taylored for third persons that do not have an addiction problem, and although their purpose is to provide a safe and sound group environment where support is endless, their existence only further nourishes and makes more omnipresent the concept of addiction as an incurable disease that affects not just the addict, but the spouse or family (often labelled as "Co-Dependant" or enablers). And so 12-Step groups are (without question) seen to be "the only way" and a successful means of treating addiction, because the overwhelming numbers at meetings are quickly translated into a success rate. It is, afterall, an international fellowship. It bears the sticker "it works" that misleads and misguides he person unfamiliar with the treatment of addiction into blindly accepting a quasi-monotheistic natured solution to a problem that may or may not respond to the application of "treatment". Certainly, addiction leads to a variety of physical and psychological states of differing degrees, depending on a multitude of circumstances particular to the individual. This is why I warn against the trick 12-Step groups employ, that of making addiction an universal set of truths that are confined by a formalist disease concept theory, accordingly treatable by the application of a universalised set of 12-Steps and the suggestion never to forget that "My name is... and I'm an addict/recovering addict", as if to make a special exception for a not especially exceptional reason.
Addiction is a serious problem that affects more than just the addicted individual. For some, addiction is a way of life. For others, it is a mode of behavior once engaged in for a period of time. Must it be a label one continues to adopt in spite of the fact the individual is no longer in a state of addiction? Divorce is a very emotional process that changes one's marital status. A divorced person will always carry that label wich provides a social detail of one's elegibility to marry. Considering that addicts have such a negative reputation in society, should those no longer addicted be subjected to carrying a label that is embedded with prejudice and hate? Would not the individual benefit from finding their own voice in order to choose their own identity? That a person is engaged with a certain behavior should not condition that person to a life sentence of owning the behavior in the way of a label. At the end of the day, the fact remains that 12-Step programs are an unscientific methodology in the treatment of addiction, constructed from a dialogue of rhetoric and dogma that induces fear and encourages a lack of self-responsibility.
here is the link to the original:
link
EDIT- the person who wrote this, has 3 years clean from the needle and is currently working in harm reduction and earning her masters degree. All without the help of NA.
EDIT: I was just sent a copy of the magazine called "Mainline" where this article was published. The author is also the editor of mainline and works for the RWC- http://www.rwc.org.nz/
it is a harm reduction center in Christchurch, NZ.
They have alot of other good articles I may share with you guys in the future, especially if I get a scanner because I am way too lazy to type it all out.heh.
if abstenteeism is the benchmark for treatment then relapse must be itsultimate failure or would this be too simplistic. I personally think, theprolific and wide spread use/saturation of the 12 steps treatments and totalabstinance are the laziest forms of para-therapies. Its making money from asystem which was never designed to be implimented in such a form. I get thezig when considering the billions of people dependant on pharmacologicalprescriptions, which are viewed as acceptable as the political and societalfingers are pointed at the 'addicts', the people of choice.You get enough christians too say 'what we are missing and need is god andJesus in our lifes and they will be followed to the ends of earth, the sameseems to ring true, for the spiritual parade of the 12 steppers terrorisedby one drug is too many and a thousand never enough.Living without drugs is like giving up woman or men because we got hurt orinto trouble, is love that dangerous.what do i know ime just a serial failure-
person undergoing 12-Step treatment
This is, in my opinion, a procatively honest and courageous admission of the counter-productive internal state of confusion and uncertainty following exposure to 12-Step addiction treatment.
12-Step treatment is abstinance based, there is no mid-ground between abstinence and habitual drug use, except for the act of "relapse", an ambiguous term with as many ambiguous embedded values. As there is no middle-ground in 12-Step treatment, it inevitably creates an invisible, albeit operative, dualism that ultimately results in the risk of a person adopting the moral values ascribed to addiction and drug use behaviors that are socially biased and bound by conventional and unchallenged, not to forget out-moded, labels denoting negative social behaviors that are anti-social in their inherently unchallenged immorality. Whilst 12-Step theories may not crudely admit to the use of moral value judgments, it is a common occurrence in their literature and meeting formats. eg. the key tag is a tool to separate members into a hierarchy of clean time. An applause is received upon the presentation of the key tag; the "ultimate" key-tag status is furthermore hierarchichal and adops value based notiong in the very material they are made of, ie. gold is worth more than silver. That 12-Step groups adopt unconsciously accepted positive reactions in order to acknowledge an individuals "clean time" is suggestive that "clean time" is synonymous with "good behavior". In short, this gives rise to contexts that spiral into a chain-effect of positve/negative re-enforcements, ie. good/bad, abstinent/clean, recovery/addiction, serene/sick, winners/losers. Because 12-step theories leave no room for a mid-ground, it forms a dualistic linguistic system of postive/negative groupings. Negative and disempowering personal labels are abundant in the nature of 12-Step literature. eg. the "inability" to remain abstinent is a defect of the character, a powerlessness over one's free will, a weakness, a surrender that wasn't surrendering enough. In other words, shortfall after shortcoming that separate him/her from the "winners" (thus suggesting the logic of "I am not a winner, I am the opposite").
It disgusts me that 12-Step groups continue to operate despite the fact they fulfil every critera of what constitutes a "cult", all at the expense of an addict seeking help and guidance, not a mandatory adoption of 12-Step concepts and ideologies. Whilst i'ts no longer in bad taste to condemn or make fun of Scientology as a "cult religion", it is still exceptionally taboo to pigeon-hole 12-groups into the same category. It makes no difference that 12-Step groups operate similarly, yet they are spared negative criticism and public ridicule so often slapped in the face of Scientology.
If addiction is treatable and it's taken for granted that it's a social 'problem' in desperate need of a solution, why are addiction treatment based services still (for the most part) married to the rhetorical and dogmatic ideas belonging to 12-Step theories, when there are other methods and concepts of addiction treatment similarly available? Perhaps it's because 12-Step groups and rehabilitation units are far too subjective and self-interested, afraid that their promise that the prgram works without fail (only for those that accept to live by the ideologies that lead to a life in "recovery') will be threatened by the alternative lifestyle choices afforded by other addiction treatment theories that do not make abstinence the end goal, or a goal with any moral or social significance. That lessens the necessity for re-treatment and lessens the dependance of the addict on social services.
Just as harm reduction is a human right, so should the option of non-moral value aadiction treatment programs be a human-right. What is more, 12-Step groups and rehabilitation facilities should not be made conditional in the sentencing of drug-related crimes, nor should attending a 12-Step program be used as a "reward" or an incentive to reduce a sentence. It would be publicly slammed if attending church every Sunday was made a condition of one's parole. However, one can safely guess that at least in this hypthetical situation, one would be able to choose their own choice of church. Why? Because of the acceptance of an individual having the right to choose a belief system that corresponds with their own. Why is the addict not allowed to choose a system that co-operates with their own set of beliefs without being forced to adopt concepts that are incongruous as well as difficult to comprehend? The treatment of addiction requires one to re-evaluate their own beliefs and life-style choices. Why complicate matters further by inducing a set of beliefs and theories that the individual may not relate to for whatever reasons, or to insist the individual finds an identity within the constructs because it is expected?
The treatment of psychological, psychiatric or mental health concerns are met by an evaluation and investigation with the emphasis on what will work for the individual considering the context of the situation. The suitable treatment option for an individual presented with the aspects of addiction should be entitled to the same format. As addiction concerns physical and psychological factors, the application of a "treatment" that accommodates the internal factors which are unique to the invidual's own socio-cultural experiences, rather than expect the individual to respond to the universal treatment of addiction adopted by 12-Step groups.
The 12-Step theory diagnoses each addict as suffering from the "disease of addiction". It is not the individual's fault that they have been by a disease that can't be "cured". The disease concept also encourages individuals not to think of themselves as the only one's, "we're not unique!" to "you're not alone!". Not only is the individual with a current substance addiction possessed by the "disease" of addiction, so are those close to you! They are part of the disease and also require 12-Step therapy. Hence, the addict will ask his closest kin to attend 12-Step groups designed to cater for those on the receiving end of addictive behavior. These groups are available under the premise they're to help empower those living with the "disease of addiction". In short, these groups bear every resemblance to the non-addict 12-Step group. They are taylored for third persons that do not have an addiction problem, and although their purpose is to provide a safe and sound group environment where support is endless, their existence only further nourishes and makes more omnipresent the concept of addiction as an incurable disease that affects not just the addict, but the spouse or family (often labelled as "Co-Dependant" or enablers). And so 12-Step groups are (without question) seen to be "the only way" and a successful means of treating addiction, because the overwhelming numbers at meetings are quickly translated into a success rate. It is, afterall, an international fellowship. It bears the sticker "it works" that misleads and misguides he person unfamiliar with the treatment of addiction into blindly accepting a quasi-monotheistic natured solution to a problem that may or may not respond to the application of "treatment". Certainly, addiction leads to a variety of physical and psychological states of differing degrees, depending on a multitude of circumstances particular to the individual. This is why I warn against the trick 12-Step groups employ, that of making addiction an universal set of truths that are confined by a formalist disease concept theory, accordingly treatable by the application of a universalised set of 12-Steps and the suggestion never to forget that "My name is... and I'm an addict/recovering addict", as if to make a special exception for a not especially exceptional reason.
Addiction is a serious problem that affects more than just the addicted individual. For some, addiction is a way of life. For others, it is a mode of behavior once engaged in for a period of time. Must it be a label one continues to adopt in spite of the fact the individual is no longer in a state of addiction? Divorce is a very emotional process that changes one's marital status. A divorced person will always carry that label wich provides a social detail of one's elegibility to marry. Considering that addicts have such a negative reputation in society, should those no longer addicted be subjected to carrying a label that is embedded with prejudice and hate? Would not the individual benefit from finding their own voice in order to choose their own identity? That a person is engaged with a certain behavior should not condition that person to a life sentence of owning the behavior in the way of a label. At the end of the day, the fact remains that 12-Step programs are an unscientific methodology in the treatment of addiction, constructed from a dialogue of rhetoric and dogma that induces fear and encourages a lack of self-responsibility.
here is the link to the original:
link
EDIT- the person who wrote this, has 3 years clean from the needle and is currently working in harm reduction and earning her masters degree. All without the help of NA.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Pull down the sheets, take of your clothes, get out of bed, I'm so tired
"In every step I hear your sobbing, dare I break the shade with one caress? dare I trespass to lift the veil, to touch the lips so soft and frail?"
So my class yesterday went sooo much better than expected. It was actually insightful and not a bunch of the same mundane propagnda. I have always liked the counselors there. They restored my faith in counseling, which I previously thought was all crap. Most of it still is. I was a bit shy at first but got over it quickly. Of course my last shot of coke was two hours before (let the self righteous comments from the disillusioned fly, we all know how PERFECT you think you are *wink wink* ) going so I was proably dead tired and didn't give a fuck about having anxiety. haahaa. But really I think blogging about beforehand made a difference. That and I was broked in by the previous class. There was also a few ppl that I know from probation and the other class.
Oh and here is something else for the self rightgeous to have a feild day with. When we go on a night of pretty hardcore coke binging. I always feel guilty because of my kids. If I just do a shot or two and then go to bed and go on with life it doesn't bother me. But friday we binged like we have not for awhile and saturday I felt guilty. It has happened before but when the call comes it is so hard to resist. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. The problem is sometimes my bf (sometimes it is me, we switch up). On the times when I say no he wants it. And I can never talk him out of it. If I want and he says no then we don't (usually)cause I listen to his rationalities. Sometimes he will give in. But it takes both of us to say no we can't and be strong together. I think it is fine to party on occasion but I think we are letting it spiral and it needs to be stopped. We talked about this today. So we shall see, no no, we HAVE to do this.
We were good last night and did not get any coke or anything else. Step in the right direction no matter how small. Now we will see how good we do friday. We don't have a choice at this point. We have to stop spending money on coke. Before it gets out of hand. Actually I told him if I could just get pils every now and then I am happy with that. Coke is our downfall and I have no problem leaving alone as long as it is out of sight. When our connect went to jail, it was a god send. And now he is back. He rings all three phones and if we don't answer he comes to the house and offers freebies. If we can out him off for two weekends then he will start to leave us alone. IDK. I'm bored with writing now. more later.
So my class yesterday went sooo much better than expected. It was actually insightful and not a bunch of the same mundane propagnda. I have always liked the counselors there. They restored my faith in counseling, which I previously thought was all crap. Most of it still is. I was a bit shy at first but got over it quickly. Of course my last shot of coke was two hours before (let the self righteous comments from the disillusioned fly, we all know how PERFECT you think you are *wink wink* ) going so I was proably dead tired and didn't give a fuck about having anxiety. haahaa. But really I think blogging about beforehand made a difference. That and I was broked in by the previous class. There was also a few ppl that I know from probation and the other class.
Oh and here is something else for the self rightgeous to have a feild day with. When we go on a night of pretty hardcore coke binging. I always feel guilty because of my kids. If I just do a shot or two and then go to bed and go on with life it doesn't bother me. But friday we binged like we have not for awhile and saturday I felt guilty. It has happened before but when the call comes it is so hard to resist. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. The problem is sometimes my bf (sometimes it is me, we switch up). On the times when I say no he wants it. And I can never talk him out of it. If I want and he says no then we don't (usually)cause I listen to his rationalities. Sometimes he will give in. But it takes both of us to say no we can't and be strong together. I think it is fine to party on occasion but I think we are letting it spiral and it needs to be stopped. We talked about this today. So we shall see, no no, we HAVE to do this.
We were good last night and did not get any coke or anything else. Step in the right direction no matter how small. Now we will see how good we do friday. We don't have a choice at this point. We have to stop spending money on coke. Before it gets out of hand. Actually I told him if I could just get pils every now and then I am happy with that. Coke is our downfall and I have no problem leaving alone as long as it is out of sight. When our connect went to jail, it was a god send. And now he is back. He rings all three phones and if we don't answer he comes to the house and offers freebies. If we can out him off for two weekends then he will start to leave us alone. IDK. I'm bored with writing now. more later.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Amen
Self-responsibility, Reason, and Common Sense, the ultimate enemies of organized religion.
-the sick life May 2005
http://thesicklife.wordpress.com/2005/05/17/electric-morphine-asshole-fest/
"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution - then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."
ALDOUS HUXLEY
anonymous- go educate yourselves
http://www.opioids.com/
-the sick life May 2005
http://thesicklife.wordpress.com/2005/05/17/electric-morphine-asshole-fest/
"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution - then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."
ALDOUS HUXLEY
anonymous- go educate yourselves
http://www.opioids.com/
Lonely?
For some reason I am feeling a bit sad. Maybe I am feeling a bit lonely in the world right now. I haven't been sad is so long. For most of my life it was so normal for me to be depressed. Now I am not used to it anymore. I don't get to see many of myfriends right now. Everyone is so busy just trying to get by. Plus alot of my close friends live in another town or out of state. A few of our closest friends have just bought houses so they are working their asses off right now. We all are feeling kind of the same. Sad they we haven't been able to hang out. But it's temporary. Plus I just got in contact with an old friend. We were so close once. But she did something shady and that was that. She didn't do it to purposely hurt me. She's just real fucked up. Anyhow, things will never be the same for us. And I don't know that I will ever find a friend that gets me on that level. No one ever gets me.
so to all the anons out there, now is a good time to take some shots at the poor miserable junkie to make yourselves feel superior.
edit: i am worried about c. his brother walked in and found him banging and told him he had to go to inpatient rehab to be able to continue to live there. he is going to move out. i am worried that he is gonna fuck himself up or maybe even od. he hasn't been up there long enough to make any good friends that really care for him. i wish he would come home and let us care for him. i would even clean up if he did so i could help him get clean. but he would have to listen to me and stay wawy from the ppl he left to get away from and i don't know he would do that. i am scared for him.
so to all the anons out there, now is a good time to take some shots at the poor miserable junkie to make yourselves feel superior.
edit: i am worried about c. his brother walked in and found him banging and told him he had to go to inpatient rehab to be able to continue to live there. he is going to move out. i am worried that he is gonna fuck himself up or maybe even od. he hasn't been up there long enough to make any good friends that really care for him. i wish he would come home and let us care for him. i would even clean up if he did so i could help him get clean. but he would have to listen to me and stay wawy from the ppl he left to get away from and i don't know he would do that. i am scared for him.
Some replies and other heart felt emotinal crap better left unsaid
I give real good advice that I can never follow myself, ha. I say I hate ppl and I do, but on the other hand...I have alot of empathy. More than I would like to.I say alot of things as a way of self preservation. Hating ppl is a way to protect myself. Acting out in an aggressive way is also protection. I feel the need to keep most ppl at a distance. hell i have learned through experience that it is imperative to keep most ppl away.And saying this to the world is making me very vulnerable. I am alot meaner on the outside than I really am. Plus I understand ppl way better than they understand themselves. This is not always a good thing. IDK where all that just came from. Except that I am much happier not letting most ppl in because most ppl will only hurt you and use you. Even if they don't mean too. It's all what most ppl are taught, it is what the world has come to.anyhoo...
Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.
Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.
anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*
anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.
The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.
I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.
Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...
WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.
EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.
Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.
Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.
anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*
anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.
The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.
I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.
Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...
WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.
EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I don't like to talk
So, I have social anxiety. When I was a kid, I never talked to anyone. Just gave one word answers. I have never really been able to talk in front of people. I just feel stupid. I am so articulate in my head, but it never comes out that way because I get so nervous. And I have a lisp. My lisp is pretty much unnoticable to others but it fucks with my head. My bf is a social butterfly and this has helped me through the years to come out of my shell, at least with our good friends. Of course drugs and alcohol have helped immensly. I used to always have to start drinking or take some pills before going somewhere. They helped me feel confident and be more talkative. Now I just like being high, going out or not. Fuck it.
The funny thing is, as shy as I am. I was always the girl in the club everyone wanted to hang with or get close to. I have no fucking idea why. Everyone thought I was the shit. My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene, not me. I just tagged along and knew how to dress, lol. But even with our close knit group of friends I was always the one they wanted to come out with. IDK, I never got it. I always felt stupid.
Where I am going with all this is saturday. And that godforsaken class I have to go too. I went to this place for outpatient-court ordered rehab and got quite comfortable with the counselors and the girls I had group with. I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean. What a joke, they even asked me to come back and talk to the future addicts who would come through.
So I have to go to this class and I will have to talk. Since being on house arrest, it has really set me back in the social anxiety department. I am rarely around anyone anymore. And when I am, we are usually high. And when I went to the last class there in June, I had to speak to the class. They are big on making you do that shit, even though they know how much it kills me to speak in front of a large group I don't know. So last time I almost shook to pieces and my voice was even shaky and I know it was noticeable. Oh well, I have been through worse. The counselor really needs to see me doing well as she will be going to court with me when I ask for early release. So I will go and show my glowing face and tell her how grand it is to be clean. Then come home and hopefully take some opi pills.
The funny thing is, as shy as I am. I was always the girl in the club everyone wanted to hang with or get close to. I have no fucking idea why. Everyone thought I was the shit. My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene, not me. I just tagged along and knew how to dress, lol. But even with our close knit group of friends I was always the one they wanted to come out with. IDK, I never got it. I always felt stupid.
Where I am going with all this is saturday. And that godforsaken class I have to go too. I went to this place for outpatient-court ordered rehab and got quite comfortable with the counselors and the girls I had group with. I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean. What a joke, they even asked me to come back and talk to the future addicts who would come through.
So I have to go to this class and I will have to talk. Since being on house arrest, it has really set me back in the social anxiety department. I am rarely around anyone anymore. And when I am, we are usually high. And when I went to the last class there in June, I had to speak to the class. They are big on making you do that shit, even though they know how much it kills me to speak in front of a large group I don't know. So last time I almost shook to pieces and my voice was even shaky and I know it was noticeable. Oh well, I have been through worse. The counselor really needs to see me doing well as she will be going to court with me when I ask for early release. So I will go and show my glowing face and tell her how grand it is to be clean. Then come home and hopefully take some opi pills.
What the fuck
Of course the guy with the roxi's is out of town til saturday. That's my fucking luck and I feel like shit. fuck, fuck, fuck. Shjt, at least next week should be the week I get my 50 hydros, this time I need to make them stretch a few weekends. But I really hope something comes up for tomorrow. I am not happy unless I have that shit in hand when I get in the car at probation. And I am one impatient bitch, now I am one cranky bitch. godfuckingdammit
I hate making up titles
Man this week went by FAST. I cannot believe it is fucking thursday already. I got a megaload of shit done yesterday despite the fact that I said I was gonna be lazy. And now friday is rolling around and I get to take some roxi's tomorrow. I also get to go take that bullshit class saturday and get it out of the way. I feel damn good. Like things are coming together. Even though half the house is an utter disaster area. But that's because we are gutting some things and doing some "spring cleaning". But it's all half done and won't take much more to finish. Especially when I get some pills in me.
Now I have to catch up on my character blogs. I have an adult baby mommy, adult baby girl, a furry/sci-fi chick, a submissive slut then I blog for a mistress and a college slut. My boyfriend also takes calls on occassion so I blog his character too. Sometimes I seriously run out of ideas and have to puruse porn sites to get the ol brain kicking. My job is SOOO horrible. heheh Oh and for a bit o' cuteness some kittnes.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
With a quickness
I did not think I took enough hydros this weekend to have withdrawal symptoms, but guess what? Yeah I got sneezes/sniffles, aches and general not feeling well. It's not unbearable or anything and it gives me a good excuse to be totally lazy without guilt. As if I need an excuse, lol. I think my bf was getting pissed at my laziness last night. I just rolled over and flipped the channel. Anyhow, I am already lining up my stash for this weekend so I can do it all over again.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
More piccys
Agnew, he is part timber wolf and the father was some weird mix of shepard, corgi
and goddess knows what else. So he has these really short legs. He is by far the smaretest dog I have ever had.
This is our newest, Appletini aka Apple Pancakes. My son found her cowering outside our door. The neighbors said she has been running the streets for days around here. We have not found an owner yet.
Page the guinea pig.
And poor Juna here was left at the clinic I used to work for. She is just an old girl.
Our phone line was down at work yesterday. That means I missed alot of calls and I am pissed. Monday is a good day for me. Guess the pervs are bursting at the seams on Mondays after having to be home with their familys all weekend.
I am jonsin for some pills. But I know, I can't, I'm just saying. I don't want to clean the house unless I have some hydros in me. I am going to get some roxi's this weekend but I got to go easy with those. They make me really sick if I over do it. But it's a damn good high if I get it just right.
The new lil chihuahua, Appletini, has made herself at home. One of the tomcats I feed appears to have a broken leg. We caught him late last night and crated him. He will go to the doc later today. I really hope it's just a sprain. We are going to chop his balls and get him to the adoption center.
and goddess knows what else. So he has these really short legs. He is by far the smaretest dog I have ever had.This is our newest, Appletini aka Apple Pancakes. My son found her cowering outside our door. The neighbors said she has been running the streets for days around here. We have not found an owner yet.
Page the guinea pig.
And poor Juna here was left at the clinic I used to work for. She is just an old girl.
Our phone line was down at work yesterday. That means I missed alot of calls and I am pissed. Monday is a good day for me. Guess the pervs are bursting at the seams on Mondays after having to be home with their familys all weekend.
I am jonsin for some pills. But I know, I can't, I'm just saying. I don't want to clean the house unless I have some hydros in me. I am going to get some roxi's this weekend but I got to go easy with those. They make me really sick if I over do it. But it's a damn good high if I get it just right.
The new lil chihuahua, Appletini, has made herself at home. One of the tomcats I feed appears to have a broken leg. We caught him late last night and crated him. He will go to the doc later today. I really hope it's just a sprain. We are going to chop his balls and get him to the adoption center.
Monday, August 4, 2008
When it rains...
...it pours baby. One weekend it's as dry as the Sahara and this past weekend everyone had everything.So on top of some fat coke shots we decided to buy some beans for the first time in a loooong time. We do this every once in awhile, forgetting that they just don't make them like they used to. The kids nowadays have no fucking idea what a good roll is. Ours were just glorified speed that tore up my stomach.SO after the eating the first one the rest went UMB. But the coke was good.
A friend of ours, we shall call him Ben, came over to party. Now me and my bf have had plenty of threesomes with chicks and 1 foursome with a very good friend and his girlfriend. Ben has also been a friend for many years. Unfortunately his gf could not come, she drank too much and passed out before my man called them up. So anyhoo, Ben is a bit on the bi side and likes to suck cock. He is the only guy my bf will let near his and so yeah, that was pretty hot. We have another friend, we shall deem Mason, Mason is one hot ass gay dude (i am a total fag hag btw). My bf mentioned partying with him, Ben and Ben's girl and Mason about creamed his panties when I told him. He NEVER thought my bf would go for that. I looove Mason to death so I cannot wait for that lil party.
At the end of that sex, porn and drug fueled night I had hydros to come down with, Ahhh life is good. And yes we were safe, we aren't stupid 16 year old running around with no fucking clue. We are always safe. We always have plenty of protection and NEVER share ANY paraphenalia.
So that was my weekend. It was fucking HAWT as shit and suprisingly enough, on saturday I wasn't completely tore down. Just a lil tired. Now back to work, it's a slow month in the phone sex industry and the kids are back to school soo, so no more party for awhile. Today my bf takes a friend to court and he will be making my appointment to ask the judge for early term. I am not holding my breath, but it would be REAL nice.
That's it and I am out. Do what makes you happy kiddies and fuck the rest.
-This has been a PSA from you friendly neighborhood phone whore.
A friend of ours, we shall call him Ben, came over to party. Now me and my bf have had plenty of threesomes with chicks and 1 foursome with a very good friend and his girlfriend. Ben has also been a friend for many years. Unfortunately his gf could not come, she drank too much and passed out before my man called them up. So anyhoo, Ben is a bit on the bi side and likes to suck cock. He is the only guy my bf will let near his and so yeah, that was pretty hot. We have another friend, we shall deem Mason, Mason is one hot ass gay dude (i am a total fag hag btw). My bf mentioned partying with him, Ben and Ben's girl and Mason about creamed his panties when I told him. He NEVER thought my bf would go for that. I looove Mason to death so I cannot wait for that lil party.
At the end of that sex, porn and drug fueled night I had hydros to come down with, Ahhh life is good. And yes we were safe, we aren't stupid 16 year old running around with no fucking clue. We are always safe. We always have plenty of protection and NEVER share ANY paraphenalia.
So that was my weekend. It was fucking HAWT as shit and suprisingly enough, on saturday I wasn't completely tore down. Just a lil tired. Now back to work, it's a slow month in the phone sex industry and the kids are back to school soo, so no more party for awhile. Today my bf takes a friend to court and he will be making my appointment to ask the judge for early term. I am not holding my breath, but it would be REAL nice.
That's it and I am out. Do what makes you happy kiddies and fuck the rest.
-This has been a PSA from you friendly neighborhood phone whore.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Nothing
another pic fer ya dawg lovers, this is chuy the chihuahua
This week has ben pretty well boring. Got to eat some hydros monday night but that's cutting it a little too close for probation. I haven't been tested in a year and half but you never know. And as soon as I let my guard down that is when they will hit me with it. Hopefully I will get to do a big fat coke shot tomorrow but I ain't holding my breath, it never happens when I count on it.
I love it when I think we aren't getting anything for awhile and my bf walks in with a fat bag and just throws it down in front of me. So anyhoo, my week has been uneventful, which isn't half bad. After the life I have had, quiet and boring can sometimes be a welcome reprieve from the madness.
Our good friend C has just moved out of Seattle to a little area right outside of the city. He sucks! We are going up to visit when I get off house arrest and I was hoping to be able to stay right in the city. Oh well, we won't be too far away. We are going to check the place out as we are thinking about moving there. We can both make alot more money and I have always wanted to live in a large city that is not New York.
My big highlight for the week is my jewelry order which should be here today. So my ears and septum will be stretched by Monday. I am now thinking of going ahead and stretching to 1 inch.
So thats it, nothing exciting to report.
and anonymous who asked about my dog...she is a chihuahua and dachshound mix. Not quite big enough to be a whippet. I love whippets though. We had a very cute pair that came into the clinic I worked at. Their owner was neurotic though which made the dogs freaky too.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Candy
Tat thehis is a really good movie with the hottness of Heath all up in it. You can watch it for free along with other movies at the link below. You can see movies that aren't even on video yet, Use firefox browser, it works better for this site. Some of the links can be shitty, but overall I love this site.
http://search.playlist.com/
http://search.playlist.com/
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The coke talk
Shelley you referred to the "robot voice" that is sooo funny because I always called it robot sounds or robot noise. For awhile I was getting good shots but I wasn't hearing "the bells" anymore. then last weekend I did a huge shot and bam! there went them bells. That shot was sooo intense I stripped off my clothes and jumped in a cold shower for a minute. it was kind of funny but a little scary too. I know you guys know those shots. The real good ones that take you to the edge, they are soo good but for a minute you feel like it may be too much and it gets scary for about 30 seconds or so.
About two years ago we had a real bad coke habit. using about 5 days a week. I would be up for 3 days and thought it was only about 24 hours. Luckily I never had seizures or cocaine psychosis. I don't know how cause the shit we got was/is GOOD. But your right it does get so tiring and you do get stuck. Everytime we get coke to shoot we end up in the bathroom for hours until the shit and the money is gone. Thats why we can use every once in awhile but we really got to have to will power to say ok, no more for awhile. We like to keep it down to once, MAYBE twice a month on a friday or saturday night.
I definetly prefer opiates. I can still function and get stuff done. As a matter of fact it makes me want to get up and clean and do what I have to do. But we don't know anyone around here that can get dope anymore. And I have a few pill connects but thats never a sure thing. I can usually only find stuff a couple weekends a month.(I can only use on the weekends right now because I have to be clean by friday morn to check in with my po). So the only thing I can ever get for sure is coke.
Like I keep sayin, I really got to get new connects. After I get off house arrest I should be able to do that. Right now I have to rely on my boyfriend to get anything for me and unless he is doing it too, he is really half assed about finding me shit. Which pisses me off, because god forbid he be without his weed, he whines and bitches waaaay worse then me. And he smokes all day everyday, all I get is pills and coke like twice a month, pills maybe 3 times a month. And he has the right to throw a fit when I get pissy about not having my shit!? Oh hell no.
And Melody, I know how the selective memory thing gets ya. I used to be that way too. But when you hit my age (32), you just feel too old to keep playing that game all the time. If I was still in my twenties, especially early twenties, there would be no stopping me. Fuck that. But now it takes longer to reover. I remember I could do a shitload of lsd, sleep for an hour and go to work and be good enough to make it through the day. Now it takes me two days to recover. You body just really starts to get worn out. I don't consider myself old or anything but there is a definite difference in how it makes me feel the next day, how long it takes me to not feel like shit and completely recover than when I was younger.
And fucking methadone is evil. I can't believe that shit is legal, it's crazy. I can't imagine what you went through kicking that shit in jail girl. Damn. Thats just fucked up.
About two years ago we had a real bad coke habit. using about 5 days a week. I would be up for 3 days and thought it was only about 24 hours. Luckily I never had seizures or cocaine psychosis. I don't know how cause the shit we got was/is GOOD. But your right it does get so tiring and you do get stuck. Everytime we get coke to shoot we end up in the bathroom for hours until the shit and the money is gone. Thats why we can use every once in awhile but we really got to have to will power to say ok, no more for awhile. We like to keep it down to once, MAYBE twice a month on a friday or saturday night.
I definetly prefer opiates. I can still function and get stuff done. As a matter of fact it makes me want to get up and clean and do what I have to do. But we don't know anyone around here that can get dope anymore. And I have a few pill connects but thats never a sure thing. I can usually only find stuff a couple weekends a month.(I can only use on the weekends right now because I have to be clean by friday morn to check in with my po). So the only thing I can ever get for sure is coke.
Like I keep sayin, I really got to get new connects. After I get off house arrest I should be able to do that. Right now I have to rely on my boyfriend to get anything for me and unless he is doing it too, he is really half assed about finding me shit. Which pisses me off, because god forbid he be without his weed, he whines and bitches waaaay worse then me. And he smokes all day everyday, all I get is pills and coke like twice a month, pills maybe 3 times a month. And he has the right to throw a fit when I get pissy about not having my shit!? Oh hell no.
And Melody, I know how the selective memory thing gets ya. I used to be that way too. But when you hit my age (32), you just feel too old to keep playing that game all the time. If I was still in my twenties, especially early twenties, there would be no stopping me. Fuck that. But now it takes longer to reover. I remember I could do a shitload of lsd, sleep for an hour and go to work and be good enough to make it through the day. Now it takes me two days to recover. You body just really starts to get worn out. I don't consider myself old or anything but there is a definite difference in how it makes me feel the next day, how long it takes me to not feel like shit and completely recover than when I was younger.
And fucking methadone is evil. I can't believe that shit is legal, it's crazy. I can't imagine what you went through kicking that shit in jail girl. Damn. Thats just fucked up.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Damned if you do...
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."- Eleanor Roosevelt
"No one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent"- Eleanor roosevelt
I love famous quotes btw so you will proably be seeing alot of them
"No one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent"- Eleanor roosevelt
I love famous quotes btw so you will proably be seeing alot of them
Well what do you know
I may have some pills on the way after all. MAYBE. I never count my chickens before they hatch or they will die. But what I noticed is when I thought I wasn't going to get any, I was ok with that. Even though I have whined about it for a few days. I usually get really cranky and miserable at least for the rest of the day after probation if nothing pans out. But I didn't this time. I just said oh well and went about my buisness without another thought when usually I obsess for the rest of the day. hmmm...
I have gone through many addictions over several years. Valium, xanax, weed, alcohol, cocaine, pain pills. It always goes like this. I start taking something, just partying every once in awhile and as usual the addiction grows, consumes. I get really strung out, then something happens and I have to clean up. I stay clean for awhile then I go back to indulging in my fav drug every once in awhile. usually after all this happens, I can use occassionally without getting strung out again. IDK why this is exactly. All I can chalk it up to is what I said in a previous post. I am one of those ppl who learns quickly from her mistakes, most of the time. Not ALL the time. But after going through a really horrible time with a drug, well that stays with me. I can remember well and it keeps me from going overboard again.
Now even though I am feeling confident about having control, who knows, I may be strung out by this time next year. You just never know with me. But I know that I cannot live my life without any kind of mind altering substance. Nor do I want to. Can't and won't, call me what you will. All I can do, is try my best while still trying to enjoy life in the way I am accustomed
The only drug that threatens that is shooting coke. I feel like I have a good hold on that now. But I have to keep in mind that I could easily loose control. As long as I keep that first and foremost in my head then we are peachy. But who knows...
Our main reason for keeping ourselves in check is money. We just don't have enough. We got behind on the bills and had to have my inlaws help us out. So we just can't have that happening anymore. When we were at our worst we never stole from anyone, we never sold our possesions, we never ran scams. If we didn't have any money then we just didn't use.We always joke that if we hit the lottery we would be dead in a month. Really thats not funny but we have always had a very morbid sense of humor. Of course I realize that if we had been using h that proably would have been different. That is a very different drug and the withdrawals are horrendous. I have never detoxed off h but I have off methadone and it was HORRIBLE. I have also detoxed off of painkillers but that wasn't so bad. But the methadone, OMG, so I assume it is very similar. I have never been so sick in my life. And my neck and head hurt so bad I thought I would die. When I was on my painkiller kick my mom used to get methadone from her friend who was prescribed them, she was an old lady that had some sort of accident and they gave her methadone for pain. And my mom was on hydros so I had the major hookup and that was bad, bad, bad for me.
Also my man...he has amazing self control with drugs. he has always been the one to be able to hold onto stuff and be able to put it down and leave it alone when it's time to be done. But when it comes to shooting coke he loses that. Which used to scare me. I thought if he has no control then we are both screwed. But instead of both of us just completely losing it, I have found the strength to have to be the one to say "thats enough" and make it stick. I hate having to be the responsible one or the one in charge usually. But I can always step up if I see no one else will. I can't say it enough and if my friends were here they would say the same. I am not your average person or junkie. But then again what most ppl don't want to realize is junkie are ppl and they are not all the same. Even the ones who may seem to be "typical". I have learned time and again, never make assumptions. the universe is just waiting to prove you wrong.
I love getting all this stuff out of my head. I used to write it in a notebook but I couldn't write fast enough to keep up and would get frustrated. It is just so liberating and the comments really stimulate me to look at my situation from different sides. Sometimes I get stuck in my lil world and it becomes difficult to see from another point of view. Something I used to pride myself on. It is important to be able to do that, sometimes I am doing somthing really stupid or wrong but I just can't see it til someone else shoves the mirror in front of me.
I have gone through many addictions over several years. Valium, xanax, weed, alcohol, cocaine, pain pills. It always goes like this. I start taking something, just partying every once in awhile and as usual the addiction grows, consumes. I get really strung out, then something happens and I have to clean up. I stay clean for awhile then I go back to indulging in my fav drug every once in awhile. usually after all this happens, I can use occassionally without getting strung out again. IDK why this is exactly. All I can chalk it up to is what I said in a previous post. I am one of those ppl who learns quickly from her mistakes, most of the time. Not ALL the time. But after going through a really horrible time with a drug, well that stays with me. I can remember well and it keeps me from going overboard again.
Now even though I am feeling confident about having control, who knows, I may be strung out by this time next year. You just never know with me. But I know that I cannot live my life without any kind of mind altering substance. Nor do I want to. Can't and won't, call me what you will. All I can do, is try my best while still trying to enjoy life in the way I am accustomed
The only drug that threatens that is shooting coke. I feel like I have a good hold on that now. But I have to keep in mind that I could easily loose control. As long as I keep that first and foremost in my head then we are peachy. But who knows...
Our main reason for keeping ourselves in check is money. We just don't have enough. We got behind on the bills and had to have my inlaws help us out. So we just can't have that happening anymore. When we were at our worst we never stole from anyone, we never sold our possesions, we never ran scams. If we didn't have any money then we just didn't use.We always joke that if we hit the lottery we would be dead in a month. Really thats not funny but we have always had a very morbid sense of humor. Of course I realize that if we had been using h that proably would have been different. That is a very different drug and the withdrawals are horrendous. I have never detoxed off h but I have off methadone and it was HORRIBLE. I have also detoxed off of painkillers but that wasn't so bad. But the methadone, OMG, so I assume it is very similar. I have never been so sick in my life. And my neck and head hurt so bad I thought I would die. When I was on my painkiller kick my mom used to get methadone from her friend who was prescribed them, she was an old lady that had some sort of accident and they gave her methadone for pain. And my mom was on hydros so I had the major hookup and that was bad, bad, bad for me.
Also my man...he has amazing self control with drugs. he has always been the one to be able to hold onto stuff and be able to put it down and leave it alone when it's time to be done. But when it comes to shooting coke he loses that. Which used to scare me. I thought if he has no control then we are both screwed. But instead of both of us just completely losing it, I have found the strength to have to be the one to say "thats enough" and make it stick. I hate having to be the responsible one or the one in charge usually. But I can always step up if I see no one else will. I can't say it enough and if my friends were here they would say the same. I am not your average person or junkie. But then again what most ppl don't want to realize is junkie are ppl and they are not all the same. Even the ones who may seem to be "typical". I have learned time and again, never make assumptions. the universe is just waiting to prove you wrong.
I love getting all this stuff out of my head. I used to write it in a notebook but I couldn't write fast enough to keep up and would get frustrated. It is just so liberating and the comments really stimulate me to look at my situation from different sides. Sometimes I get stuck in my lil world and it becomes difficult to see from another point of view. Something I used to pride myself on. It is important to be able to do that, sometimes I am doing somthing really stupid or wrong but I just can't see it til someone else shoves the mirror in front of me.
More piccys
This is one of my 5 dogs (all rescues) I love animals in case you can't tell. I still continue to work with two animal rescues that the veterinarian that I used to work for volunteers with.
This is a pic I took for a dreadhead community I am in on Livejournal. When I have no more probation worries I will post my lovely face.
One of my rescue cats just had kittens. She is bling but they came out perfect.
More Mary Jane
okay I won't bore you ith anymore...for now.
answers part two and some other random sleepy rabmlings
Shelley-EXACTLY, I was noticing that whatever you do they hate, whether you are doing good or bad. Its so ridiculous.
I personally am not looking for support. All that came after reading someone elses blog and anon was talking shit about her dead mother that shit just aint right at all. Don't speak ill of the dead no matter how they lived their life. This girl just seemed like she could use people who will support her when she is doing good. I dont mind ppl hating me but I always feel so protective over other broken souls. I always feel the need to try and save the other lost ones. IDK cause that usually ends up with me being taken advantage of.
And please continue to speak your mind :)
you posted pics of your pops squirrel here is my bf's pet squirrel Mary Jane Sweets
Damn it takes pics FOREVER to upload on this bitch
ok so the pic is up there, lol. I have no idea how to work this blog yet.
So probation was short n sweet. Now the man is going on the hunt to get me high. But it looks like no one has pills, just my fuckin luck. bitches. I have been up since 10 pm last night. I work at night while the kids are in bed and I usually go to sleep by 8am.
In exciting news my jewelry order will be here very soon. I am stretching my lobes to 5'8". I got these badass plugs with floating skulls. I have some ebont plugs coming a new septum pincher that is purple and green, HAWT. Next on the list is some opalite plugs. And if I can refrain from buying any coke for awhile then I can afford to splurge on some more plugs. Then it all goes for school supplies, the kids will be back in school next month. YAY because they are starting to pick at each other all the time. They are getting bored with summer activities. Swimming and games are getting old. They have been to the beach a million times too. I am going to be the mother of a teenager come August, I cannot wrap my mind around that one.
Answers
Shelley hun you tend to seriously misunderstand me. I never said that it is anyones fault that we use. My meaning was that sometimes ppl could use support instead of being yelled and told they are a piece of shit. Especially if they are trying to get clean. And that ignoramt ppl just make this world worse- that is the short version of what I was trying to get across. I really don't feel like trying to explain myself again.
Secondly I dont care what ppl say about ME. I was not referring to MY OWN comments. I was referring to the comments ppl make on some of the other blogs I read. As a matter of fact I said that. There are some ppl I read on here who just need someone to say that they support them. My heart goes out to these girls and I want these assholes to know how ignorant they are and how much they fuck up the world. I have always had a habit of feeling like I have to stick up for other ppl.
And I like answering comments so if anonymous is going to leave some ignorance I am going to give my opinion on it. But like I said, I dont like to see them being mean to some of the other girls I read.
Libby- thats exactly right.
Secondly I dont care what ppl say about ME. I was not referring to MY OWN comments. I was referring to the comments ppl make on some of the other blogs I read. As a matter of fact I said that. There are some ppl I read on here who just need someone to say that they support them. My heart goes out to these girls and I want these assholes to know how ignorant they are and how much they fuck up the world. I have always had a habit of feeling like I have to stick up for other ppl.
And I like answering comments so if anonymous is going to leave some ignorance I am going to give my opinion on it. But like I said, I dont like to see them being mean to some of the other girls I read.
Libby- thats exactly right.
Blah fucking day
off to probation and it looks like it may be a sober weekend for me. Which is a good and a bad thing. I wish I could get at least a couple of pills dammit.
Damned if you do...
I like to keep up with alot of blogs. I have always loved reading anything and everything. I especially love reading ppl's experiences and being able to take something away from what they have been through.
In reading some of the blogs that I do, I have noticed something. There is a certain anonymous commenter who just likes to be nasty. I think it is pretty much just one person in particular, some of the time. Anyhoo, it's one thing to not agree with someones life style and you are perfectly free to give your opinion. But no matter what anyone is doing, you just have a nasty attitude.
If the person is falling flat on their face with a needle in their arm then you say- your a fucking piece of shit, kill yourself now. If they are trying to do the right thing and get clean you say- give up, you will never amount to shit, kill yourself now. Or something to that effect.
Now my point with brining this up is, if you ever had a valid point you kill it. The reason there are junkies, pimps, dealers, prostitutes and all alround down trodden addicts that stay that way, it is because of people like you. They may choose to pick the drugs up, but when they choose to put them down there is always someone there to tell them they are shit. And some ppl just can't cope with that. Some ppl need support and someone to praise them. Alot of these ppl have never had any of that.
These ppl were once children, who were never taught how to deal with life, how to cope without drugs or other destructive means. And no one stepped in to help. They were teenagers, who were going down the wrong path in life. And ppl like you spit on them and tell them they will never be anything. They are adults, who need help, who want help and just don't know what to do. And ppl like you stand up and preach but never actually come down off that soap box to lend a hand. Or even just give a few words of support.
Now I am not referring to myself. I don't need your fucking help. I am a strong person who helps herself, even through all my mistakes. I pick up and keep going. But I have seen so many others who could have used it and who would have benefitted from it. I know ppl given the proper treatment and support who would have worked for something better in life. But you were too good. Ppl like you came along and told them they were shit and could never do anything in life and should just die...so they did.
Before you climb back up on that soapbox next time, remember it is people like you who have a helping hand in keeping that junkie cycle running. The blind, the sheep, the ones like you who will follow our government like lemmings. Follow them right off the cliff. And drown in your own self righteousness, greed, vanity, snobbery and anonymity.
Of course if you are just a miserable, ignorant fuck who gets off on downing others to make yourself feel important and worth something then none of this will seep into that shit addled brain of yours.
Just a little something that I had to let fly. Have a wonderful, mind altering night as I leave you with some quotes by Hunter S. Thompson.
"America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable."
My personal favorite as it applys to my life so perfectly-
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. "
"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up. "
This one is for MR/MRS holier than thou anonymous person/s
"No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. "
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. "
"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
In reading some of the blogs that I do, I have noticed something. There is a certain anonymous commenter who just likes to be nasty. I think it is pretty much just one person in particular, some of the time. Anyhoo, it's one thing to not agree with someones life style and you are perfectly free to give your opinion. But no matter what anyone is doing, you just have a nasty attitude.
If the person is falling flat on their face with a needle in their arm then you say- your a fucking piece of shit, kill yourself now. If they are trying to do the right thing and get clean you say- give up, you will never amount to shit, kill yourself now. Or something to that effect.
Now my point with brining this up is, if you ever had a valid point you kill it. The reason there are junkies, pimps, dealers, prostitutes and all alround down trodden addicts that stay that way, it is because of people like you. They may choose to pick the drugs up, but when they choose to put them down there is always someone there to tell them they are shit. And some ppl just can't cope with that. Some ppl need support and someone to praise them. Alot of these ppl have never had any of that.
These ppl were once children, who were never taught how to deal with life, how to cope without drugs or other destructive means. And no one stepped in to help. They were teenagers, who were going down the wrong path in life. And ppl like you spit on them and tell them they will never be anything. They are adults, who need help, who want help and just don't know what to do. And ppl like you stand up and preach but never actually come down off that soap box to lend a hand. Or even just give a few words of support.
Now I am not referring to myself. I don't need your fucking help. I am a strong person who helps herself, even through all my mistakes. I pick up and keep going. But I have seen so many others who could have used it and who would have benefitted from it. I know ppl given the proper treatment and support who would have worked for something better in life. But you were too good. Ppl like you came along and told them they were shit and could never do anything in life and should just die...so they did.
Before you climb back up on that soapbox next time, remember it is people like you who have a helping hand in keeping that junkie cycle running. The blind, the sheep, the ones like you who will follow our government like lemmings. Follow them right off the cliff. And drown in your own self righteousness, greed, vanity, snobbery and anonymity.
Of course if you are just a miserable, ignorant fuck who gets off on downing others to make yourself feel important and worth something then none of this will seep into that shit addled brain of yours.
Just a little something that I had to let fly. Have a wonderful, mind altering night as I leave you with some quotes by Hunter S. Thompson.
"America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable."
My personal favorite as it applys to my life so perfectly-
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. "
"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up. "
This one is for MR/MRS holier than thou anonymous person/s
"No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. "
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. "
"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Comment answers
"That's funny since you're already talking about getting strung out again when you get off probation. No job, shooting coke, being on probation-- yeah, sounds like a great existence. "-
When I was shooting up almost everyday I was working in the clinic. And contary to dumbass belief theere are functional addicts out there, alot of them. Go sit in an NA meeting and listen to some of the stories.
Like I said in another post. I am not your average person, never have been like others. I can do what I want and have fun. I am a very strong minded person. And unlike alot of ppl I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and improve myself. If I do something and fuck up, I look at the situation and see what I gotta do to still have my fun without screing up again, and I always find a way. People can use and be responsible. Maybe not someone like you, that's why you come on here to read about the party girls. Caue you know you can't trust yourself to go and have real fun. Sorry your life sucks for you so you gotta read about mine.
I like whay Melody said in her comment about everyone having their vice. Drugs aren't the only one. ;)
"What part of FL baby?"- Central
And to Melody and Michelle- OMG I used to be soooo bad about that shit. The second we got it, it had to go in my arm. Me and my bf would debate who was gonna go first since I have to boot him too. But after being strung out on that shit and knowing how all that comes with that fells, I guess I just have a better handle on it. Cocaine is a whole different horse than dope when it comes to shooting. Once you start with that shit it's just more, more, more. I know you all know that. We have done really well with just being able to do a little then be done for the night or the weekend. It helps if I got some kind of opi to come down with. So thats why I need a dope connect but no one round here really deals with that shit that we know. But the pills will just have to do for now.
My email addy is undercoverkittie@hellokitty.com if you guys ever wanna write me :)
in other news...fucking felony registration is straight up bullshit. When I registered the first time the guy skipped the DNA swap because ohhh IDK... I am not a child molester or violent offender. My charge is such B.S. Any how, they decided to do it today, that shit aoint right. Also they wanted to know about my parents, my kids and my bf. What the fuck for? I commited crime, the rest of those ppl are none of their goddamn buisness. That whole scene was just fucked. And you tell me Florida isn't a goddamn police state.
When I was shooting up almost everyday I was working in the clinic. And contary to dumbass belief theere are functional addicts out there, alot of them. Go sit in an NA meeting and listen to some of the stories.
Like I said in another post. I am not your average person, never have been like others. I can do what I want and have fun. I am a very strong minded person. And unlike alot of ppl I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and improve myself. If I do something and fuck up, I look at the situation and see what I gotta do to still have my fun without screing up again, and I always find a way. People can use and be responsible. Maybe not someone like you, that's why you come on here to read about the party girls. Caue you know you can't trust yourself to go and have real fun. Sorry your life sucks for you so you gotta read about mine.
I like whay Melody said in her comment about everyone having their vice. Drugs aren't the only one. ;)
"What part of FL baby?"- Central
And to Melody and Michelle- OMG I used to be soooo bad about that shit. The second we got it, it had to go in my arm. Me and my bf would debate who was gonna go first since I have to boot him too. But after being strung out on that shit and knowing how all that comes with that fells, I guess I just have a better handle on it. Cocaine is a whole different horse than dope when it comes to shooting. Once you start with that shit it's just more, more, more. I know you all know that. We have done really well with just being able to do a little then be done for the night or the weekend. It helps if I got some kind of opi to come down with. So thats why I need a dope connect but no one round here really deals with that shit that we know. But the pills will just have to do for now.
My email addy is undercoverkittie@hellokitty.com if you guys ever wanna write me :)
in other news...fucking felony registration is straight up bullshit. When I registered the first time the guy skipped the DNA swap because ohhh IDK... I am not a child molester or violent offender. My charge is such B.S. Any how, they decided to do it today, that shit aoint right. Also they wanted to know about my parents, my kids and my bf. What the fuck for? I commited crime, the rest of those ppl are none of their goddamn buisness. That whole scene was just fucked. And you tell me Florida isn't a goddamn police state.
Behavin...mostly
lol, so we talked to our coke connect and he is taking a break this weekend too. he just got out of the clink 3 or 4 weeks ago and has gotten fucked up every weekend. So I have my man getting my pills lined up. I have got to find a good dope connect. I just snort the h for now. I have only shot it once and that was tar. I don't like tar and I don't like oxys. Although I will do them on occasion and I used to shoot oxys all the time. But it's that "dirty" kind of high. I like to snort some nice brown or china white. Best fucking high EVER. Too scared to try n boot it yet. Yeah I know I am weird. lol. I will boot screaming coke shots that could evry well put past the point of no return but no h. One reason is I know I will like it too much. Snorting it I can still keep some control. But that shit is good.
So pills only for me. And I am satisified, even happy for that. Which is unusual for me. We may end up getting free coke, that does happen often. But we will put it up for later. Imagine that a junkie who doesn't have to get the shit in her arm as soon as it crosses her palm. The shit we did last weekend we held onto for over a week.
I am not your average person... and I am not your average junkie. So don't even assume you know all about me bitches.
So pills only for me. And I am satisified, even happy for that. Which is unusual for me. We may end up getting free coke, that does happen often. But we will put it up for later. Imagine that a junkie who doesn't have to get the shit in her arm as soon as it crosses her palm. The shit we did last weekend we held onto for over a week.
I am not your average person... and I am not your average junkie. So don't even assume you know all about me bitches.
Registration
Tomorrow I have to go and update stuff at the sheriffs office for my registration. I hate doing stuff like this. I always feel like I am going to get arrested. They do that here in Florida, just make some shit up and violate your probation. Not that I haven't done anything wrong, but I haven't done anything they know or can prove. I really need to get out from under this shit. it has been 4 years. When I do get off, I am going to feel like I am doing something wrong everytime I walk out of the house for the first few months. Ahhh well thats what I get for doing something as stupid as I did in Florida, the police state.
Work has been a little slow for the last few days. It always slows down some during the summer. All the pervs are spending their money on vacaion with their familys or their kids are home and they can't get a minute alone in the house to call. Oh well, I am stil making out pretty damn good.
Work has been a little slow for the last few days. It always slows down some during the summer. All the pervs are spending their money on vacaion with their familys or their kids are home and they can't get a minute alone in the house to call. Oh well, I am stil making out pretty damn good.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday
I was falling asleep earlier but I had to get up and now I don't want to lay back down. It's only friday and I am already sitting on go for friday. After I check in for the week with my p.o. hopefully someone will have some pills. I love eating hydros. So that will consume my mind for the next two nights.
Tomorrow I HAVE to remember to call felony registration. I registered along time ago but my p.o. could not find me. I shoild have walked back to his office and showed him exactly where to look. I just looked myself up the other day. Although they have not updated my info for awhile. So I was supposed to have already called to find out if I need to go up there.
My memory is soo bad, I have recently found out that it is proably due to all the xanax I used to wash down with copious amounts of alcohol. Apparently it really fucks up your memory. Mine is almost completely useless. I can't take xanax anymore, even without alcohol they make me really mean and violent.
We have talked about moving to Seattle after all my probation is done. I really hope we stick to it. I have to get out of the hell that is Florida. It's a fucking police state, it's pedo paradise, it's just fucked and I have always hated it. I have always beed drawn to large cities. I just know we can't stay here. Alot of our friends have gone to the west coast and they love it. I know I would too. Chad can make so much money up there. His buisness is just not doing well here and he is an extremely talented welder. When I go back into veterinary medicine, I can do so much better in a place like Seattle too. And we miss Chris, it would be nice to be there with him.
Tomorrow I HAVE to remember to call felony registration. I registered along time ago but my p.o. could not find me. I shoild have walked back to his office and showed him exactly where to look. I just looked myself up the other day. Although they have not updated my info for awhile. So I was supposed to have already called to find out if I need to go up there.
My memory is soo bad, I have recently found out that it is proably due to all the xanax I used to wash down with copious amounts of alcohol. Apparently it really fucks up your memory. Mine is almost completely useless. I can't take xanax anymore, even without alcohol they make me really mean and violent.
We have talked about moving to Seattle after all my probation is done. I really hope we stick to it. I have to get out of the hell that is Florida. It's a fucking police state, it's pedo paradise, it's just fucked and I have always hated it. I have always beed drawn to large cities. I just know we can't stay here. Alot of our friends have gone to the west coast and they love it. I know I would too. Chad can make so much money up there. His buisness is just not doing well here and he is an extremely talented welder. When I go back into veterinary medicine, I can do so much better in a place like Seattle too. And we miss Chris, it would be nice to be there with him.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I'm back
I told you I was a talkative lil shit today. Anyhow, you know how in rehab and NA and all those shit places they tell you that life will be so much better when your sober. They lie. It's different and you are able to handle alot of things in a more appropriate manner than you are after you have been shooting coke for 3 days. But it damn sure aint better. Recently I have found the right balance. To be able to party some weekend and put the shit down when it's time to be a good girl.
But how long is that going to last. i would like it to last til wnenever I feel like I just don't want to do shit anymore, until the day I die. But I do know that when I get off house arrest that may change. Right now the fact that I have to check in every week and can be drug tested at anytime is a big factor. I have to put shit down by a certain day to be clean. So the challenge is keeping that up afterwards. I know I can, but WILL I?
But how long is that going to last. i would like it to last til wnenever I feel like I just don't want to do shit anymore, until the day I die. But I do know that when I get off house arrest that may change. Right now the fact that I have to check in every week and can be drug tested at anytime is a big factor. I have to put shit down by a certain day to be clean. So the challenge is keeping that up afterwards. I know I can, but WILL I?
Quikie
I just answered a comment in which someone misunderstood what I meant. I don't always explain myself as well as I would like to . I am not as articulate as I am in my head. Oh well. But for anyone else who may get the wrong idea.
When I talk about things with my mom. It fucked me up in the head for awhile but I have recently come to terms with alot of the shit ana I am much happier for it. But as far as my choices in life. They are MY choices. I get high because I want to, because it feels fan-fucking-tastic. Not because my mom fucked me up, lol. I love when I put the needle and register that blood. Like when I wath intervention and i see ppl shooting. When I see that bllod my stomach gets all tight and I get antsy. I think they may be one of the more beautiful sights in the known universe. And I have a thing for hydrocodones to. Love the way they make me feel, love the energy, just the whole goddamn high is great.
I didn't put a needle in my arm til I was 28 years old. I was scared to even try coke til I was 22. All I did in my teens was alot of acid and weed. If I was gonna use over my childhood, I should have started with the heavy shit at 14. So that's it, just wanted to make that clear.
And Shelley, much love girl. You speak your mind and I have to fucking respect that. You don't bash, your not rude, you just tell the truth. And that's something you rarely find in people. And those are the comments I love even if someone doesn't agree with me. :)
When I talk about things with my mom. It fucked me up in the head for awhile but I have recently come to terms with alot of the shit ana I am much happier for it. But as far as my choices in life. They are MY choices. I get high because I want to, because it feels fan-fucking-tastic. Not because my mom fucked me up, lol. I love when I put the needle and register that blood. Like when I wath intervention and i see ppl shooting. When I see that bllod my stomach gets all tight and I get antsy. I think they may be one of the more beautiful sights in the known universe. And I have a thing for hydrocodones to. Love the way they make me feel, love the energy, just the whole goddamn high is great.
I didn't put a needle in my arm til I was 28 years old. I was scared to even try coke til I was 22. All I did in my teens was alot of acid and weed. If I was gonna use over my childhood, I should have started with the heavy shit at 14. So that's it, just wanted to make that clear.
And Shelley, much love girl. You speak your mind and I have to fucking respect that. You don't bash, your not rude, you just tell the truth. And that's something you rarely find in people. And those are the comments I love even if someone doesn't agree with me. :)
Super hero sex
I am just a talkative thing today. So I just wanted to tell you about my superhero call. A guy came into the chatroom for the phonesex website I work for. Now I have to be real elusive and careful with what I post about work on here. I post way more on my Livejournal account because I keep that friends only and I know who is reading it. But on here I can't do that.
So anyhoo, I was in chat and a guy comes in who has a superhero fantasy. I have never had that one before, lol. Shit I wish I could get more into it but I can't chance someone coming across this blog and recognizing it and ratting me out to my boss. I love the company I work for and want to stay with them.
Now when it comes to the more general fetishes, I will be more than happy to share details. Brcause alot of calls are a dime a dozen, even the sick ones. Like I have this one guy. From England who can talk about scat play for 3 or 4 fucking hours. Sometimes I have to actually hold the phone away and gag. There is something with English guys and shit cause I have a few more regulars who are from England who are into scat.
So anyhoo, I was in chat and a guy comes in who has a superhero fantasy. I have never had that one before, lol. Shit I wish I could get more into it but I can't chance someone coming across this blog and recognizing it and ratting me out to my boss. I love the company I work for and want to stay with them.
Now when it comes to the more general fetishes, I will be more than happy to share details. Brcause alot of calls are a dime a dozen, even the sick ones. Like I have this one guy. From England who can talk about scat play for 3 or 4 fucking hours. Sometimes I have to actually hold the phone away and gag. There is something with English guys and shit cause I have a few more regulars who are from England who are into scat.
5 am
I can't sleep anymore. I am usually just logging off work and going to bed at this time but I went to sleep early. I am trying to change my schedule around. Maybe I can get some of the things on our list done around the house. I really need to get our bedroom taken apart so we can remodel it. When we bought the house all I did in that room was paint. The house was built in '64 and had alot of the original stuff so we have spent the last 5 years going through and pretty much fixing up a little at a time. I really want wood floors. But the bedroom needs a fresh coat of paint and we are thinking about making that a home office. The kids like to stay in the same room, which is odd. You would figure they would want their own rooms. Of course I know what will happen. We will get the office set up and make our bedroom in the spare room and then they will want to seperate, lol.
So I know this has been a most boring post. But the point of it was to show people that some addicts have a normal functional part of life. I may shoot coke once or twice a month for a night, I may have tattoos and piercings and dreads, I may be a freak and a junkie in some peoples eyes. But I am still a person, a mother, a wife (of sorts, 10 uear relationship). I like to party and I have let that party spiral out of control sometimes. I have made huge mistakes. But I try to learn from that.
When people hear junkie they get an image in their mind and they get stuck on it. We are not all like that, and the ones that seem to be, well maybe everything isn't the way it seems. Maybe there is alot more then what you see or think you see. Next time you look at that junkie, remember she/he is a person. She/he has proably been through some serious shit in life that has driven her/him there to be used and abused some more. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that the roll of the dice didn't throw you there. Cause it very well could have. Maybe instead of being like the rest of the assholes in the world and treating her/him like shit, you should be the one that is different and lend some support.
Some of the other girls blog I read on here... people are so mean in their comments. Honset feedback is one thing and being just plain rude to make yourself feel good is another.That is part of why I started this one. I welcome the comments of the ignorant. It will give me and my man a good laugh at some of the lame motherfuckers out there. Because I see what is behind your comments. ;) And maybe for the people who are halfway decent and want to learn something in life, it will give you a new perspective, a little understanding. At the very least it gives me somewhere to vent and spill my guts.
IDK, I have always felt very protective of the down-trodden, the outcasts, misfits, junkies, lost souls and those who just live outside the norm. Say what you want to me. I keep in mind that I don't know these people anymore than they know me. The person on the other end of that comment could very well be the preacher who fucks his own daughter while telling me and everyone else how fucked up they are. I see right through hypocrisy bitches. But if you are giving me honest feedback and not here to just make nasty comments, I welcome that, even if it's not what I want to hear. Life is nothing if you are not constantly taking something away from your experiences and trying to learn from it and other peoples as well.
My point is, it is far to easy for people to sit and judge someone else. Alot of the time it is to make them feel better about their own miserable experience or the fact that they don't have any balls. Whatever the reason, you really have no right and you are inviting bad karma. Try some compassion and understanding or at least be open to learn something from other peoples experiences. Closed minded ,uptight people are always so miserable. Go smoke a fucking joint, lol.
Anyhow, I shall climb down off of my soapbox now. This has been quite enough preaching to a bunch of sheep who are incapable of learning shit. I have wasted enough time on the fucking ignorant people of the world. I hate people, they suck.
side note: idk if I already cleared this up. the term junkie/junky means something different to alot of ppl. i know the actual use of the term comes from heroin being called junk. but to me any intravenous drug user is a junkie and i prefer the ie spelling to the y. idk why that is, it just looks more purdy.
So I know this has been a most boring post. But the point of it was to show people that some addicts have a normal functional part of life. I may shoot coke once or twice a month for a night, I may have tattoos and piercings and dreads, I may be a freak and a junkie in some peoples eyes. But I am still a person, a mother, a wife (of sorts, 10 uear relationship). I like to party and I have let that party spiral out of control sometimes. I have made huge mistakes. But I try to learn from that.
When people hear junkie they get an image in their mind and they get stuck on it. We are not all like that, and the ones that seem to be, well maybe everything isn't the way it seems. Maybe there is alot more then what you see or think you see. Next time you look at that junkie, remember she/he is a person. She/he has proably been through some serious shit in life that has driven her/him there to be used and abused some more. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that the roll of the dice didn't throw you there. Cause it very well could have. Maybe instead of being like the rest of the assholes in the world and treating her/him like shit, you should be the one that is different and lend some support.
Some of the other girls blog I read on here... people are so mean in their comments. Honset feedback is one thing and being just plain rude to make yourself feel good is another.That is part of why I started this one. I welcome the comments of the ignorant. It will give me and my man a good laugh at some of the lame motherfuckers out there. Because I see what is behind your comments. ;) And maybe for the people who are halfway decent and want to learn something in life, it will give you a new perspective, a little understanding. At the very least it gives me somewhere to vent and spill my guts.
IDK, I have always felt very protective of the down-trodden, the outcasts, misfits, junkies, lost souls and those who just live outside the norm. Say what you want to me. I keep in mind that I don't know these people anymore than they know me. The person on the other end of that comment could very well be the preacher who fucks his own daughter while telling me and everyone else how fucked up they are. I see right through hypocrisy bitches. But if you are giving me honest feedback and not here to just make nasty comments, I welcome that, even if it's not what I want to hear. Life is nothing if you are not constantly taking something away from your experiences and trying to learn from it and other peoples as well.
My point is, it is far to easy for people to sit and judge someone else. Alot of the time it is to make them feel better about their own miserable experience or the fact that they don't have any balls. Whatever the reason, you really have no right and you are inviting bad karma. Try some compassion and understanding or at least be open to learn something from other peoples experiences. Closed minded ,uptight people are always so miserable. Go smoke a fucking joint, lol.
Anyhow, I shall climb down off of my soapbox now. This has been quite enough preaching to a bunch of sheep who are incapable of learning shit. I have wasted enough time on the fucking ignorant people of the world. I hate people, they suck.
side note: idk if I already cleared this up. the term junkie/junky means something different to alot of ppl. i know the actual use of the term comes from heroin being called junk. but to me any intravenous drug user is a junkie and i prefer the ie spelling to the y. idk why that is, it just looks more purdy.
Monday, July 21, 2008
International Drug User Remeberance Day
Today is the day to remember those no longer with us. My mother is not dead, but she may as well be. I wait for that call. The one where they ask me to ID her body which I will proably hardly recognize. The following is a VERY condensed version of things. I would be here for weeks trying to write it all down.
I used to carry alot of guilt for turning my back on her when I use also. But contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a responsible drug user and I am one. Functional addicts, the ones who go to work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are cared for.
Anyhow, back to her. No matter what, I always loved my mother. She bought me tons of toys, all the pretty dresses and anything else I wanted. But all I wanted was her love and attention which I rarely got. I also never got her recognition. I only ever wanted her to acknowledge, just once, everything she subjected me to and maybe even say she was sorry, I could forgive it all. That was hard to let go of. Then I had to deal with the guilt of turning my back on her, feeling as if there was no other way.
She eventually got so bad that she burned down my grandmothers house nodding out. She woke up to a small fire on the bed, threw some water on it and went back to sleep. She woke up again to a lady screaming and beating on the door. I had alot of sentimental things in that house, along with my grandmothers and uncles belongings. My grandmother had just passed away a few months before.
After that, she sold my kids christmas presents for crack and told me 3 different stories about what had happened. Claiming to be robbed. I had her commited for a psych eval after her boyfriend called and told me she swallowed an unknown amount of xanax. But they let her go after 3 days. The doctor said she needed detox but there was nothing he would do because she had to go on her own. they released her with a purse full of prescription methadone and hydrocodones that were not even hers. They were not even in pill bottles. She told them they were hers and they did not even check. She was my hydro supplier when I went through a period of heavy binging.
Before and during this time, within a year I lost all three of the granparents who helped raise me. My nana died of cancer, only after it tore her down leaving her a shell of the beautiful strong woman she was.
Anyhow, I just could not do it anymore. She would sit at my house and nod out and burn my couch and herself in front of the kids. One night her ex was chasing her down the street because she was having some sort of crack freak out and some SUV ran them over, my mother was basically fine except for some bruises. her ex was really fucked up and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. She didn't even care.When they called me to pick her up I refused to go. So my bf went, he still wanted to try and talk to her, to help her. He had to stand there while my mother screamed at the doctor to give her pain meds. They had refused because she had coke, marijuana and opiates in her system. Finally the doctor gave her some pills just to shut her up. My bf told her I love her but I can't watch her do this shit anymore. I told her on the phone a few days later that when she was ready to get help I would do all I could.
My mother was a beautiful woman, who always wore designer clothes, who always put on makeup and looked her bestbefore leaving the house. Her appearance was important to her. She was smart, strong. I don't know the woman she is now. She was the type of woman who would never let a man bring her down...normally. Until she met Shannon ... and crack. Now she is a homley old street walker.
One day I will get that call.
I used to carry alot of guilt for turning my back on her when I use also. But contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a responsible drug user and I am one. Functional addicts, the ones who go to work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are cared for.
Anyhow, back to her. No matter what, I always loved my mother. She bought me tons of toys, all the pretty dresses and anything else I wanted. But all I wanted was her love and attention which I rarely got. I also never got her recognition. I only ever wanted her to acknowledge, just once, everything she subjected me to and maybe even say she was sorry, I could forgive it all. That was hard to let go of. Then I had to deal with the guilt of turning my back on her, feeling as if there was no other way.
She eventually got so bad that she burned down my grandmothers house nodding out. She woke up to a small fire on the bed, threw some water on it and went back to sleep. She woke up again to a lady screaming and beating on the door. I had alot of sentimental things in that house, along with my grandmothers and uncles belongings. My grandmother had just passed away a few months before.
After that, she sold my kids christmas presents for crack and told me 3 different stories about what had happened. Claiming to be robbed. I had her commited for a psych eval after her boyfriend called and told me she swallowed an unknown amount of xanax. But they let her go after 3 days. The doctor said she needed detox but there was nothing he would do because she had to go on her own. they released her with a purse full of prescription methadone and hydrocodones that were not even hers. They were not even in pill bottles. She told them they were hers and they did not even check. She was my hydro supplier when I went through a period of heavy binging.
Before and during this time, within a year I lost all three of the granparents who helped raise me. My nana died of cancer, only after it tore her down leaving her a shell of the beautiful strong woman she was.
Anyhow, I just could not do it anymore. She would sit at my house and nod out and burn my couch and herself in front of the kids. One night her ex was chasing her down the street because she was having some sort of crack freak out and some SUV ran them over, my mother was basically fine except for some bruises. her ex was really fucked up and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. She didn't even care.When they called me to pick her up I refused to go. So my bf went, he still wanted to try and talk to her, to help her. He had to stand there while my mother screamed at the doctor to give her pain meds. They had refused because she had coke, marijuana and opiates in her system. Finally the doctor gave her some pills just to shut her up. My bf told her I love her but I can't watch her do this shit anymore. I told her on the phone a few days later that when she was ready to get help I would do all I could.
My mother was a beautiful woman, who always wore designer clothes, who always put on makeup and looked her bestbefore leaving the house. Her appearance was important to her. She was smart, strong. I don't know the woman she is now. She was the type of woman who would never let a man bring her down...normally. Until she met Shannon ... and crack. Now she is a homley old street walker.
One day I will get that call.
A long answer to Michelles comment
I was going to answer your coment in the comment section but since it was soo long I decided to make it a post. So to answer your comment-
It's funny I was just thinking earlier how I would change the comment moderation. So I did, let the BS fly, lol.
My kids are with me, thats one thing I have been lucky with through all my bull shit,I have never lost them. I always made sure my babies were taken care of, no matter what I was doing. We did use with them in the house when we were binging on coke right before I got put on house arrest. And I do regret that. I know my 13 year old could tell something was up, even tough we would wait til they went to bed, we were still high in the morning. Now we only get high when they go to granmas house. Or if we do get high after they are asleep, it's ust a couple of shots then we come down and go to bed so we can get up in the morning and take care of them. I do take pills but that's way different then running around high from coke shots. They are 13 and 8 years old, two boys. I proably won't talk about them much on here cause I don't like making info about them available on the net, too many real freaks out there.
I have four tats and I am planning on getting both my arms half sleeved and a large back piece. I have a piece on my arm, it is two women intertwined in an embrace, looks kind of tribal. I got it when I was in a two year relationship with my ex girlfriend. I have a moon with a female face on my left shoulder. I have a skull on my right upper arm and I have the number thirteen done in purple flowers and vines under my belly button. You cannot even tell it's a thirteen unless I point it out. My ex girl has it too. 13 is my lucky number and was my grandmothers lucky number, she basically raised me most of the time. My mom has been an addict/dealer my whole life. The thirteen is not some hooky goth thing, it really just is my lucky number and the tattoo was for my nana too. I am an old school goth chick though. I love body mods too, my ears are 9/16" but next week I am stetching to 5/8", basically right now I can get my ring finger in them. I have my septum pierced and just stretched it to 8 gauge. I have my labret done but haven't worn it for awhile, it was causing my gums to recede. I also got rid of my belly button piercing, it always bothered me. And lastly I have the hood of my clit done, 12 gauge. I have had all my piercing except my ears for over ten years now, so I am not one of these dumb kids who just jumped on the body mod bandwagon and who will be taking their piercings out in a few years, lol. I also have dreads, this is my second set. I had long dreads half way down my back but I cut them off like a dumbass for a job and because I had court and the first time in front of the judge he hated my dreads. So I just started my new set of purdy black dreads 3 months ago and they are here to saty. I can't wait til I go for early release so I can dye some of them purple again.
House arrest sucks real bad. Although to me 60-90 days would be a cakewalk. I have been on for 14 months. I just got a new officer who won't let me do ANYTHING. Since I work at homw, phone whoring, I only get to go out for 2 hours a week to go check in with her. At least my other officer would let me go shopping,take the kids to school and go to school fuctions. But you won't be able to smoke weed. I haven't somked in 14 months.
I had reglaur probation. 5 years worth. On my first piss test I came up dirty for pot. They are supposed to give you a 90 day grace period to get totally clean but as I said the judge hated me because of how I looked so they put me on two years drug offender probation. I almost finished. the last month, 5 days before I went to my appointment, i decided (like a TOTAL dumass) to shoot 5 grams of powder with my bf and think I would be clean. So I violated. I absconded for 6 months before that caught me, we were partying way too hard during that time. It was a good thing I got caught actually, otherwise I would be dead with all the shit we were doing.
So thats that. feel free to email me anytime at undercoverkittie@hellokitty .com I am so glad that I found yours and Melody Lee's blogs. I really like reading them and feel a kinship with both of you. I hope we can be net friends.
**sidenote: I mentioned I had an ex girlfriend. I hate labels. I do not consider myself bi sexual. If one must label me I would be pan sexual (google it). I just don't look at someone for their sex, gender or color. I fall for someone for WHO they are not WHAT they are.
It's funny I was just thinking earlier how I would change the comment moderation. So I did, let the BS fly, lol.
My kids are with me, thats one thing I have been lucky with through all my bull shit,I have never lost them. I always made sure my babies were taken care of, no matter what I was doing. We did use with them in the house when we were binging on coke right before I got put on house arrest. And I do regret that. I know my 13 year old could tell something was up, even tough we would wait til they went to bed, we were still high in the morning. Now we only get high when they go to granmas house. Or if we do get high after they are asleep, it's ust a couple of shots then we come down and go to bed so we can get up in the morning and take care of them. I do take pills but that's way different then running around high from coke shots. They are 13 and 8 years old, two boys. I proably won't talk about them much on here cause I don't like making info about them available on the net, too many real freaks out there.
I have four tats and I am planning on getting both my arms half sleeved and a large back piece. I have a piece on my arm, it is two women intertwined in an embrace, looks kind of tribal. I got it when I was in a two year relationship with my ex girlfriend. I have a moon with a female face on my left shoulder. I have a skull on my right upper arm and I have the number thirteen done in purple flowers and vines under my belly button. You cannot even tell it's a thirteen unless I point it out. My ex girl has it too. 13 is my lucky number and was my grandmothers lucky number, she basically raised me most of the time. My mom has been an addict/dealer my whole life. The thirteen is not some hooky goth thing, it really just is my lucky number and the tattoo was for my nana too. I am an old school goth chick though. I love body mods too, my ears are 9/16" but next week I am stetching to 5/8", basically right now I can get my ring finger in them. I have my septum pierced and just stretched it to 8 gauge. I have my labret done but haven't worn it for awhile, it was causing my gums to recede. I also got rid of my belly button piercing, it always bothered me. And lastly I have the hood of my clit done, 12 gauge. I have had all my piercing except my ears for over ten years now, so I am not one of these dumb kids who just jumped on the body mod bandwagon and who will be taking their piercings out in a few years, lol. I also have dreads, this is my second set. I had long dreads half way down my back but I cut them off like a dumbass for a job and because I had court and the first time in front of the judge he hated my dreads. So I just started my new set of purdy black dreads 3 months ago and they are here to saty. I can't wait til I go for early release so I can dye some of them purple again.
House arrest sucks real bad. Although to me 60-90 days would be a cakewalk. I have been on for 14 months. I just got a new officer who won't let me do ANYTHING. Since I work at homw, phone whoring, I only get to go out for 2 hours a week to go check in with her. At least my other officer would let me go shopping,take the kids to school and go to school fuctions. But you won't be able to smoke weed. I haven't somked in 14 months.
I had reglaur probation. 5 years worth. On my first piss test I came up dirty for pot. They are supposed to give you a 90 day grace period to get totally clean but as I said the judge hated me because of how I looked so they put me on two years drug offender probation. I almost finished. the last month, 5 days before I went to my appointment, i decided (like a TOTAL dumass) to shoot 5 grams of powder with my bf and think I would be clean. So I violated. I absconded for 6 months before that caught me, we were partying way too hard during that time. It was a good thing I got caught actually, otherwise I would be dead with all the shit we were doing.
So thats that. feel free to email me anytime at undercoverkittie@hellokitty .com I am so glad that I found yours and Melody Lee's blogs. I really like reading them and feel a kinship with both of you. I hope we can be net friends.
**sidenote: I mentioned I had an ex girlfriend. I hate labels. I do not consider myself bi sexual. If one must label me I would be pan sexual (google it). I just don't look at someone for their sex, gender or color. I fall for someone for WHO they are not WHAT they are.
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