Popkill & The David Koresh All-Stars: Beginnings...

Have to recommend this blog. I sincerely hope he writes more soon. Go check it out!

Popkill & The David Koresh All-Stars: Beginnings...: It's April 22nd, 1993. I'm unconscious in a hospital bed. My face is concealed within layers of gauze. Tubes in various size and colour p...

I have 13 followers! whoohoo. Especially considering I barely post because I am a total slacker ass. 

Still on the kratom, it is working beautifully and makes me feel good. Well if I get the right strains and mixes. still experimenting with all that. But I love it. still working 3 phone sex gigs. This time of year is totally slow and awful for our industry. But my friend that runs the second company I signed on for also added a a listing for my "character". The one that I made up and own all the rights too,lol. so that was real cool of her to do.

She is awesome like that and if any of you fucking anon fucks had any idea you would shit your pants. AND like it. Nuff said...

I really need to add a few posts to my phone sex page. I got some doozies. And it seems no matter where I go and what type of characters I play the sissies always find me. They are drawn to me,heh. Sissies are the guys who like to get dressed up frilly and lacy and pink annnd get fucked with a strap on. Now there are variations to this fetish. Not ALL of them like strap on, some want to be babies (not FUCK babies, BE babies you ignorant fuck), some just want to be humiliated for various reasons. I think that is the one fetish I could never completely understand. But anyways, money is decent for being so damn slow. Which means it will be great when it picks back up. and since I am not blowing it on drugs I will maybe be able to actually get somewhere in life once I get caught up on the debt I collected. 

Things are good which means things are boring, besides my lovely job getting off pervs all hours of the day and night. But boring is good now. I used to hate it. But I have lived through so much that was not boring I think I have finally had enough...

There are a few things I should address but I am just not feeling it atm. Maybe later...

Carrion says: Fuck you Mittens!!
THIS is what I'm talking about! Hillary baby!

Sorry, had to gloat for a minute,lol. doing good, slowly catching up on everybody's blogs. Bugerlugs and Jane (Matt's mom) email me sometime if you get the chance. I really would love to get to know both of you better. You are both such beautiful creatures and I am honored that you even looked my way. :D Much love ladies!

Mini update: everythings about the same, working 3 companies now. It is going very well. Making plans to move to Ohio with some cousins and friends. All very like minded individuals, there is talk of a commune. Something my husband and I have always wanted to do. I am excited but guarded. we have made plans before that obviously never worked out. But we are making solid goals this time. Not just talking about what we want to do. I consider this to be mandatory for us, something we MUST do sooner rather than later. But the goal is 1 year. As long as I can make some good $$, it is doable in that time span. It will take some work but we need this. Florida is so fucked.

Kratom is still kicking ass for me. What a Goddess blessed herb. It is wonderful. I am going to have to be careful and start a taper. It does have it's downsides to. Just not nearly as bad as opies. So far so...great!

That's tits for now ya'll. I will have to write soon about my new company and my thoughts on REALLY dark hardcore fantasies and who has them the most. New company is seriously hardcore.

'nother quickie

This has to be fast, I am swamped. The phone sex company I have been with 8 years has slowed down alot. So I took a job with two other companies. I am running all my characters from all three companies at the same time. We are flat broke. But I am already doing decent with company number 2, with a little work, I should be back on top soon.

Off the suboxone with the help of the most wonderful plant I have ever had the pleasure to meet, kratom. I wish doctors weren't so concerned with $$ and actually concerned with helping people. This plant has so many wonderful qualities. Not only can it help get someone through withdrawals painlessly and even feeling good. It also helps people with depression, anxiety and chronic pain. Oh yes! And you have never even heard of it have you? Wanna know why? We live in a country that takes away our freedom in small doses, til soon there will be nothing left.

Well, other than the being broke, which I am about to remedy, I am great. Much love to Jane (matts mom), bugerlugs, Anna and Melody Lee oh and Shane. Go check out Shane's blogs, NOW, he is the greatest unknown writer of our time. I promise you will not be disappointed. I am in love with his words. Hope to catch up with you all soon.

Shane's amazing writing, sex, drugs, debauchery, and fucked up family fun all in one place and beautifully written. Go now!! :  http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/
                                      http://sodogwewere.blogspot.fr/

Suboxone is the devil

Ok, first, Matt's Mom just asked me some VERY good questions in her last comment which I will address in my next post and I will respond to Bugerlugs comment as well. But for now I have to make this quick. I am catching up on my hypnotherapy class. Did I mention that yet? I am taking a basic hypnotherapy class. I plan to do the full 1 year program as well. Just need to get caught up on billls n stuff first.

My main goal in this was to be able to do hypnosis calls for work and to make mp3's for my callers. But I ma seriously considering taking it a step further and offering "therapy" sessions by phone or cam for sexual issues and fetishes as well. Alot of people have issues with shame and guilt because of their fetish and I want to help with that.

But anyways, a quick note on the title. I weaned down on my suboxone. I tried jumping off and got HORRIBLY sick. HORRIBLY. Almost as bad as methadone wd's. The only reason it wasn't was because I got more subs after 24hrs. If I didn't, I would have ended up in the hospital. So I have now ordered Kratom to try again. I am also trying to get in with a doctor to get a script of baclofen. I will get into what these things are and how they have helped or are supposed to help in my next post or two.

 All I can say is IDK what to do. I felt so good about myself that I got off the oxy, got my life back. I am working, making money, taking care of my family...so proud. And now this. I knew getting off subs would not be easy but I had no idea it would be like THAT. I have to find a way. I am buying subs off the street and as we all know, that won't last forever. And there are times I may not be able to find anything and be left horribly sick again. That CANNOT happen. I want my life back. I am going to take it back. I just don't know how yet.

.

I have a few plans, we will see how it goes. Wish me luck because I am terrified. And another problem is I am back to IVing my subs. Which shoots the BA up and makes them more potent. So even though I have weaned down I am making them stronger. I have to get that under control. I only have one needle left. After that it will be hard for me to acquire more without my husband finding out. I need to just destroy it and give him the subs I have left and make a schedule for myself. We will see how that goes,heh.

I have researched and researched baclofen and kratom and read many, many good things. I know my doses and how to taper n such. This has to work or I am fucked. I wish I had money for The House of Iboga. Google it, that place is amazing. That root is amazing. I used baclofen for the first 5 days off of subs and it worked great. But I ran out and that is when the horrible sickness came over me. The stomach pain was UNBELIEVABLE. I retched and puked and dry heaved til I choked. I am TERRIFIED. There was no reprieve, no rest, it never stopped. Not like when you have a stomach flu and you puke then feel better for a bit. No, it was constant.

Don't get me wrong, I think suboxone can be  great for some people. But it is a powerful drug that doctors are over using to make money. When I was put on it, I had weaned my oxy habit down to 30 mgs/day. That isn't shit compared to most. That isn't even what is normally prescribed. My doctor looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my does (my GP, not the sub doc). Asked me what the problem was because I was taking less than the prescribed dose. I told her the problem was that I was addicted, buying from the streets, taking for the wrong reasons. I wanted help and she told me to come back in 3 weeks and we would talk about it. WTF? When an addict comes to you for help, you don't fucking send them away. That was the stupidest shit I had ever heard. Well not THE stupidest but damn close. 

So I go to this sub doc, he puts me on 16mgs! For a 30mg a day habit. That was ridiculous. And he wanted me to take it for a YEAR! WHAT!?! I immediately started to wean down and use the rest to make cash to pay for his expensive ass. Fucking drug dealers, the lot of them. I should have been put on a low dose for two weeks and then weaned off. That would have been proper for my habit at the time. They way over use this shit and it ends up being worse than the oxy. All about the benjamins baby! Check out what the House of Iboga says about suboxone. How bad it is for your body. And it is true. After a few days back on it, I can really tell. And the mind cloudiness, never noticed til I tried to get off, crazy shit man, crazy.

So that is my sad, pitiful story. I am sad, terrified, not so proud now. But I have to do this. There is no choice. My kids deserve better. And that was another bad thing. My poor babies watching me be so sick. I know my little girl was worried. She was so happy when mommy felt better and that breaks my heart...

Good music

CANNOT stop listening to this song. Dax is so amazing, still rockin it. Acid Bath is still def on my top five but I really love how he shows on his vocal range in his solo stuff. And hey, the eye candy don't hurt either.

Here is a little Acid Bath to go along with it, my fav song:

Suicide is painless

Tried to post two pages from Chris's journal, you know, my friend that offed himself in a hotel back in July. But it would not post. So I will try again later. As for me...

Things are a 110% better with me. I got back on the suboxone. I am making hella cash at the phone whore thing and my husband and I are once again getting along. Now that I got my shit back together. He really hates the pills but goes about trying to get me clean the completely wrong way. Yelling at me and calling me names, putting me down to anyone who will listen, yeah, that will only make me use more.

I work all the time, which is good. At least it is from home so I can be with my kids when needed. But I do have to stay holed up in my room doing the phone kink thing quite a bit tho. Actually it is nice to have sometime to myself after being with my kids 24/7 non-stop for the last three years.

So as for my week and a half slamming hydromorphone. It was total bullshit. My now ex-friend, who is a prostitute, addict, pregnant and currently trying to get her kid back from state custody (yeah right!) was the one who showed up with the dillys. Of course on the second day after I jumped off the subs and wasn't feeling well and was ever so happy to get some relief. Well, NEVER again. That week reminded me of every reason why I got off pills. Got deathly ill twice when there wasn't anything around, bitch got robbed when I took her to score. Which we have since found out she screwed this guy over and he was just exacting revenge. But still, she got me caught up in that shit. Spent countless hours running her around looking for pills. When every damn time it was "oh we only gotta go 10 min up the road" and "yeah it's all set up, they are waiting". All lies. I let her man sleep on my couch and all he did was badmouth me the whole time. Then the bitch took my husband for $20 damn dollars. So yeah, no more of that shit.

It was actually good it happened. Really reminded me of what I got away from. The whole damn week all I wanted was to be back on the subs. So that is my update for now. I plan to jump off again soon. I want rid of all of this shit, for good.

I have tried to get around to catching up on some blogs but there are ALOT of pervs out there and they all seem to want to talk to me. Yeah I'm THAT good. lol I'm so good that my boss sends me all the new callers and returning callers that have not called in awhile so I can hook em back in. I also get the guys who had one special girl they liked but now she is gone. My boss gives them 3-5 free minutes usually by the thrid minute they are adding more time. Of course the down side to being so good is alot of these guys get hooked on me and want to meet me or come live with me. I swear this guy I have talked to all of about 3 times, an hour each, was ready to drop everything and move across the country so that I could sissify him completely. I try to impress upon these guys how dangerous that is for both parties.There are alot of adult babies out there desperate for a mommy. And many have been taken by unscrupulous women. But anyhow, that is a post for another day. Adult baby is waaaay more then a fetish,

Love you all, thanks for reading and especially bugerlugs. I will be checking in soon and I hope you are doing well.
~The Doll

National suicide prevention week

In remembrance of Chris and Brian, who didn't call, who could not see past their pain to all those who cared about them and still miss them everyday...

Update to come soon. I have just been working ALOT!! I am back on the suboxone and things are MUCH better. I do have to tell you guys about my week of bullshit while relapsing. TOTAL reminder of why I wanted to get away from that shit in the first place.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150517199390685.368788.11261740684&type=3

I'm still here

Haven't been able to post lately. Things have been awful, sickness, my girl getting robbed when I took her to hook up, my husband telling everyone, including my kids what a junkie whore I am. If I didn't have kids I would just fucking be done and out of here. But I can't leave them behind with a narcissistic father who will only lay into them more with me not about. And I just would not leave my kids for any reason like that.

I will tell you all more about everything later. Right now I have to work my ass off to pay our bills so my husband can sit and play his computer games all day and find new ways to make me feel like I want to die. When I can I will catch up with everyone's blogs, I have just either been horribly ill or working 18 hours a day so I have no time right now. Hope you all are well. Love and hugs~Sick Doll

Suboxone

I was reading My Dead Sons Journal's, my new favorite blog, well one of them. After Matt's journal entry, his mom was talking about excuses. And man do we addicts have some excuses. Anyways, this blog always gets to me. Always makes me think, it makes me honest with myself and makes me want to BE honest with others.

I wanted to get off the suboxone for many reasons. But what really pushed me was the price. Even though I finally got insurance to cover my actual script, I still owe my doctor something like $700+. He was really awesome to help me even though I really could not pay him. He let me go as long as he could. I could try to get insurance to cover my doctor, but I am pretty sure it will be a pre-approval thing and would take weeks to months to get approved through state care (medicaid). Soo, it is just better this way. I thought I would do good. And I would have, if temptation had not come knocking. But that would have happened anyways. It always comes eventually. But I did so good for 9 months and I was proud and my husband was happy with me. Well except when he wasn't, then he used it against me. But I thought I would do ok. Now it's like within a few days I have just gone from bad to worse. I can't do this again, I can't...

Bit o' the ole cam whorin

My funeral attire.

                                             Dreads are getting sooo long now and sometimes a
                                                   huge pain in the bum. But I still love em.
I have lost about 30lbs this year. Actually I lost it all in February when I did a BIG drop in my suboxone dosage and got horrible anxiety. I could not eat, sleep or sit down for a month. I have kept it off by chasing around two toddlers,lol. I forget to eat for several hours and when I remember and make something, they come and eat it. The weight loss was good, but with it, went my boobs. I was a DD. After every pregnancy, my boobs got better and bigger. I would get back down to pre-pregnancy weight but have more boobage and they weren't saggy. They were great!! But now they are gone :( I am sure when my youngest two get a bit bigger and I am not running my ass off everyday I will put on a bit more weight, not too much tho. If that starts to happen then a gym will be in my future. But I do hope to get some boobs back. I was proud of them puppies. lol Guess you can't have it both ways damn it.

                              

Stupid

Probably going to make this kind of short because I am just too drained emotionally to get into all of it. Soooo, really stupid thing is this, my friend has been coming over to use my bathroom to shoot her dilaudids. And she has been giving me either half or whole pills cause she feels bad for knocking on my door 2-3 times a day cause she is staying with her parents and can't do it up there. AND because when her man left her high and dry awhile back and she was doing oxys, when she was sick I would break her off pieces of my subs to help her out. So yeah, stupid, stupid, stupid me, getting back into stupid shit. And of course now I am sitting her feeling guilty and stressed and anxious.

I don't feel like this will get like the oxys and no I am not saying that because I am in denial. I know it very well could go that way. But 1, my husband will never let me go down that road again. 2, dillys aren't like oxy, not for me, not for alot of people. I was even offered a blue (30mg oxy) and turned it down.  I want the fuck off the subs and today I was feeling really run down and kind of bad but it wasn't unbearable. But what makes it unbearable is my husband and his narcissism. When I am feeling bad and need him to help a little more or take over for a few days, he usually then decides to cut out on me. Usually, not always, sometimes he is great, but sometimes he makes things worse.

I am already supremely overwhelmed. With kids, house, work. He wanted to be a stay at home dad but he doesn't do half of what I did as a stay at home mom. I am the main bread winner now but still taking care of every-fucking-thing. IDK, I get no support, no understanding, no credit, except when he is in the mood. His love is definitely conditional, even for the kids. I can't even write anymore right now, it just drains me.

Lil update

I have not yet jumped off the subs. My husband got me a few more so that I can take more time to taper. The more you can taper, the better. I know I have to pay my dues eventually. But I am working my ass off between the kids and the house and my actual job. Most days I am running on 3-5 hours of sleep. 

Work has been SLOW this week too. Sucks because we need money really bad. My husband finally gave up on his job. They are closing any day now. The bank note hasn't been paid, so his brother is just waiting for them to come force him out. Just trying to make what he can in the mean time. But my husband is barely getting any hours and I can make more money them him if he stays home with the kids and lets me log more hours online and taking calls. If I can manage some daytime hours instead of JUST overnights it will get me alot more regulars. So that's that.

I wanted to post a comment I made on a blog just because it explains some of what went on with the pain clinics here in Florida and I just didn't want to have to type all that out again to explain it here. This is an excellent blog. It is written by the father of a beautiful teenage girl who died from an overdose of prescription drugs. I have gotten comments from him and another blogger that...well IDK if I can explain how it truly makes me feel. I always think people like them. people who are just normal parents, regular people, look at people like me as dirty junkies that aren't worth the good air they breathe. They have shown me kindness and seem to truly care. That is more than I have gotten from most people in my life and it means ALOT. The other blogger is Jane. I put a link to her blog in my last post. Their kindness makes me want to try even harder to do this and win. Not alot of people in the world like them. They have lost their children. And I cannot for one instant, as a mother myself, imagine the pain. But instead of being bitter and angry (which I am sure there is some of that too but it doesn't rule them) they are doing something good. And they are helping people. By all rights, they should hate people like me. But they don't and they have reached out to me and that means so much.

Here are their blogs:

http://lifeaftermikhaila.wordpress.com/

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/

And the comment I made that tells some of what I experienced at the Florida pain clinics:

Not ALL doctors care. I am sure you have heard at least some of what has been going on where I am from, Florida. Of course they are now cracking down and leaving thousands of people with no help after helping them get addicted to a very powerful opiate. They (big pharma, our government, our doctors) unleashed this drug with NO regulations. They handed them out like candy. Up until recently, they had pain clinics on every corner. Jane, I believe it was you who had a post about Oxycontin Express? Excellent docu on what has been going on here. When I was still doing pills, I used to drive people to their doctors on occasion, it was just crazy! These “clinics” were open til 9-10pm, had armed thugs at the doors, accepted cash only payments and even filled scripts on site (for an extra charge on each pill of course). Retired doctors were paid good money to come out of retirement and write scripts (sell drugs) all day. The waiting rooms were filled with obvious junkies and dealers. People were making deals on their cell phones right in the waiting rooms! Then going out to their cars with scripts in hand and snorting pills right there in plain site. They were handing out up tp 400 oxy 30mg’s/month, usually with about 150 -15mg oxys, 60-80 xanax (a very dangerous combo with opiates) and sometimes even 10mg percosets. To 20 year old kids who didn’t have a thing wrong with them. To get in they would send you to these shady places to get a MRI once again, cash only payments. I mean I went with my husband to a warehouse with a MRI machine set up and guys with sub machine guns at the door. My hubby doesn’t use, he was just doing this to help my dealer get more pills to pay off my debt. Which I am very ashamed that I put him in that kind of risk to do. But that’s another story. I would see people go to 4 doctors a month and get the above meds prescribed. This went on for years. People would come from other states to get pills to take home and sell. I think that is the biggest reason they started cracking down, that and the amount of OD’s rose so high they could no longer ignore it. But law enforcement in other states started to notice and trying to do something. That brought attention to the whole deal.

With all that, people just didn’t have a chance. I mean I am all for taking responsibility for your actions. We are big boys and girls who made a decision to use and keep using. But I have seen naive people who had never touched a drug get caught up. They had no idea what they were being prescribed and they did have real illness and injuries. And until they were ready to get off their meds they had no idea what had happened to them. So yeah, some doctors care and just don’t know what to do. Or are too bogged down by HMO’s and government rules and patient loads, etc etc. But there are so many that just want that quick dollar as well and don’t care how many people they kill or how many lives they ruin. No one had any idea how bad these little pills were when they first hit. And it still floors me that they were not regulated in any way when they first hit the market."

Pure craziness whores, I tell you...

Important things

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/august-4-tuesday-2009-rating-310-hardcore-user/comment-page-1/#comment-96

This is an amazing blog. It is the story of Matt. He was an addict who died of an overdose. His mom is posting his journal that she found after his death. This post in particular means alot to me. My comment explains why...

"What incredibly awesome advice. I try to tell myself something similar. When the laundry is piled up and the dishes are overflowing and I feel behind and overwhelmed by work but my kids just want me to take them outside and play or just sit on the floor and cuddle and wrestle. In ten years I won’t remember that clean kitchen, but I will remember my 3 year old putting her arms around my neck and telling me “I love you mommy” for the first time. Or my 17 month old learning to blow kisses and looking so silly and cute. When my older two were little I used to tell them mommy can’t play right now because the housework needs to get done. Now I say “screw the work” my little ones (and big ones, 17 year old will be out of the house before I know it) are growing up and time is going so fast. We don’t have long to get those precious, truly important moments in.

That’s also one of the big reasons that made me want to quit using. I was too busy chasing that high or just trying not to be sick and things with my kids got pushed aside. That is unacceptable and has caused me an enormous amount of guilt. And now I have to learn to not let the guilt hold me back. What’s done is done and can’t be changed now. But I can change what I do from here on out." (comment I left on the above post)

I must get completely clean for my kids, as well as myself. The suboxone has been great for helping me learn to live a "normal" life again. But it is still a crutch. I am scared to death. I have read so many stories of others getting off subs, alot of them are horror stories but not all. I have found a helpful forum at soberrecovery.com. There are others there facing jumping off. Some in very similar situations to mine. 

The thing that will be the hardest is having no support. My husband doesn't even know how to be supportive unless he thinks it will be getting excessive admiration. He can be great sometimes, but only when he feels like it. And I have no one else. NA and many addiction therapists say that it is impossible to get and stay clean without good support. But I have no choice. I cannot do this anymore. I have too much to be clean for. I also just had MORE responsibility dropped in my lap. Which will also make my kick from the subs alot harder. But oh well, I have survived worse. Still terrified though. And I have a feeling my husband is going to make me miserable. Well, more miserable. It's his favorite thing.

So my friend, Chris's brother (the friend who killed himself). He is having a hard time. He has been in the reserves and had signed up to go into the Army full time before his brother killed himself. He is at some kind of school for a month. he wrote to say that he thought it would be a good thing but has turned out not to be. But he only has 11 more days. Then hopefully he can come home. I mean back to Florida with his friends and family who knew Chris the best. I wish I could help him more.

I am having a hard time myself. I thought the funeral would help me reconcile what happened, get it through my head. I thought I could start the grieving process and get on with it. And I suppose I am in the process. But I can't sleep well. And I don't get alot of chance to sleep much these days anyhow with work and kids and household running. But I just keep seeing him in that coffin. How it didn't look like him. I just can't understand. This is so unlike the Chris I knew, or thought I knew. It has just blindsided us all. No one had any idea. And I think that is the problem. I think my need to always have answers and understand everything is the problem

So that's it, wish me luck cause I am sure gonna need it. And I see people are reading, feel free to comment. Maybe I should open up anon comments again. I just hate all the fucking ignorant crap you get from fucktards who have no life. Maybe I will think on it.

Til next time whores,

The Doll

Nothing

Not doing good with my suboxone. Bought a strip today because I am out of my script. I haven't weaned down enough. I am completely terrified of what will happen. My husband doesn't care. His comment was something about another monkey on my back. At least I tried. All he ever did was yell at me that I should be able to quit, just like that. He calls me weak yet he can't go without a cigarette for more than 5-6 hours without going around tearing everyone apart. I am so tired of him. I haven't talked about it here really. He has undiagnosed Narcissistic personality disorder. I don't talk about it because he exhausts me. When I start to I just get to confused and can't explain. There is a high instance of suicides and institutionalization of wives of men with NPD (70% of people with NPD are men). I have been there, both the looney bin and the suicidal fantasies. He is an abuser. And I am stuck. I have no one to help me. No where to go with 4 children I can't even finish this.

ps: I forgot I did want to talk about the fact that I keep thinking of Chris at odd moments, alot. I keep thinking of him in that casket. I think it really gets to me because I would have never thought HE would do something like that. It really shows you how opiates and meth can screw up your receptors and dopamine levels n such. I really believe that had ALOT to do with it. That is what scares me about the subs. I have read and researched alot on this. And one of the worst parts is PAWS. Post acute withdrawal symptoms. That is the lethargy, depression and anxiety that can last weeks to months after you kick any opiates. But subs are the worst. Apparently the initial sickness isn't as bad. But the PAWS is worst that methadone and oxy. Hmmm, how will I ever make it. I miss you Chris. I can't believe you of all people would go out like that. I just really can't...

The final goodbye

Today was the day that I said goodbye to Chris for the last and final time. I knew that I had to see him to make my brain understand. Even though we had kept in touch, I had not seen him face to face since he left for Seattle 4 years ago. We talked on the phone, we emailed, messaged on FB. Every single time he always told me he loved us and I said the same. Almost every single time I asked him when he was coming home to us. A few times he texted to say he was coming in a few days. Then we would hear nothing for weeks. This was when he was hard and fast in his addictions. July 16 he was clean and had messaged to say he was finally coming home. July 18 he went home, but not the home we expected. He went home with Mother Goddess to the summerlands and right now I wish I could punch him dead in the face.

We did not attend the actual service, at first I was pissed. Then I was glad. We arrived a 10 minutes after they finished. My husband doesn't do well with the services. Especially since he has buried a few friends in the last two years who were younger (sometimes by 10 years) then we are. I don't like the services either. I just feel obligated. But this time, his brother needed us most for after. When he would have to walk away forever. This is the time I prefer to come and say my goodbyes or during the viewing. especially if I can get there early. I prefer to be able to be with just the people I am closest to and say my goodbyes in relative privacy. I didn't expect to fall to pieces 10 seconds in the door. But as soon as I saw him, I thought I would shake to pieces.

We sat with his immediate family and two other friends. The only people we cared to be there with, to be there for. His brother and his best friend (one and the same) had dragged all religious paraphernalia from the room before the start. Thank the gods. It wasn't Chris and it's all just bullshit. "He's gone home to be with God", you mean the God that lets little girls be mutilated and raped? The God that watches from his All Mighty seat in heaven as his people destroy each other? That's not my god. I stopped buying into all that at 14. The men who spewed about God's love, I watched them do despicable things during the week, then return to church every Sunday to be "washed clean" of their sins. There are many more reasons but this is no theology class students.

I thought watching his mom and dad say their last goodbyes was horrible. She is not his biological mom. She is/was (I keep having a problem with that was word) his step mom. But she raised him. His brother refers to the biological as "the egg donor". She was not even there today. But his mom is just devastated. even after, at his family's house where we gathered for food, she just sat and stared. But as awful as it was for me to see a parent say goodbye to their child (being a mom myself), the real agony came when his twelve year old son arrived. He did not care to come to service either. Preferring more privacy for his goodbye as well. And this is the part where I had the horrible urge to punch a corpse. Seeing his son's knees buckle at the casket. Knowing that boy, at such a young age, has to reconcile why his dad could not stay around for him. Knowing that children almost always blame themselves. Wondering why he wasn't enough for his dad to want to stay. What the fuck Chris?!? Did you even think of him?

It's not like I haven't been there. I went through a period where I fantasized nightly about walking into traffic on the big main road at the end of my street. Til I realized at 4am I would have to stand there awhile. And then it would be just one car who would probably see me in time. then I would get locked away...again. then it turned to blowing my brains out. Til I finally told my husband to hide the keys to the gun cabinet. Why? Because I could NEVER leave my children to feel like I didn't love them enough to stay.

His brother is the person we are next closest to in the family and the one we needed to be there for. After everyone had left, except for Chris's ex (who he has two children with and always remained friends with), his brother, his sister and my husband and myself, we cranked the music (mostly Nirvavna, the songs that Chris spun and made as DJ Spade, known in the Orlando area and some others thrown in). We reminisced and shared stories. I could tell his brother was not ready to leave him. He strummed Nirvana tunes on the guitar, remembering how they used to get the new albums and lock themselves in the room for hours, smoking out and learning every tune. My husband and Chris's brother placed pennies on his eyes before finally closing the casket. That is the hardest part. Closing it and walking away. For those who don't know, it is custom in some cultures to place coins, usually silver but sometimes copper, to pay the boatman that takes the deceased across the River Styx (the river of the dead). For us it is much the same, but we refer to it as "the fairy tax". The fairies will usher him home to the Mother Goddess in the Summerlands.

Go now into the summerlands and be at peace.
I will find you there someday.  

Now that it has finally set in, it won't go away. Luckily I have work to keep me busy. well at least I thought it would, of fucking course tonight has to be slow. But at least I don't have to sleep. I know I could not anyways. I am not doing well weaning down my suboxone. We all know I am stupid that way. just setting myself up for horrible sickness at just the wrong time. I am the main source of income now. I have children to look after. Why am I so damned dumb? I thought I was doing so well. I was so proud. then I fucked up again, typical.

When I started this blog, Chris lived with us. I know somewhere I have posts I have posts about "partying" with him and the girl he dated at the time. Another sort of friend. Who after Chris broke up with her, became my sort of girlfriend for awhile. I would link them but I am emotionally spent right now and exhausted. I hate saying goodbye. For someone who is borderline (personality disorder), it can be particularly excruciating. even if the person is coming back in a few days. We feel abandoned easily. My heart is broken and I am rambling now. I think it's time to go. 

But I don't want to go. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to come (even though I won't be going to sleep til the daylight comes anyways). I still have Monday I suppose. We go and spread some ashes and say more goodbyes. I want to hold on to this pain. It is familiar. Something I am used to. And with tomorrow comes another and then I will start to think of him less (he has consumed my thoughts these last days). I will never forget. So many things to remind me. My husband is so funny. The dress I wore is kind of fetishy (so not a word). I asked him if it was "too much" for a funeral. I knew it wasn't really for Chris's. He would have liked it. So my dear sweet perv of a husband says "no, he would think it's hot, he did get to stick his cock in you". LOL. My husband, ever the pervert. That is his way of dealing though. If there is a way to connect sex and a funeral without being a necro, he can do it. He can connect it with anything. And on that note, I will leave you. But not for long my whores...




Time moves inside you but he won't fade...
 

Diary of a Fetish Conversationalist: part 1

Well tonight I have had a few calls thus far. But the most interesting one was a new caller, at least for me. We shall call him cambaby. Cambaby asked if I could watch him on cam while making him mommy's baby. He was already dressed in his diaper and had his props in place. Cambaby likes to have some added punishment and humiliation. So I had him gag himself and take a stick to his ass. I had him redden it good. then he got to tell mommy who owns him. And who owns cambaby? Me, of course! After cambaby spanks himself, he has to take his cock out of his diaper and show mommy what a good time he is having. Then for added humliation, cambaby get to squat and shit his diaper for mommy. Then when he is done he has to show it to me to prove he has indeed, done the deed.

Now, shit calls used to totally gross me out. Whenever I got a scat call, I would have to mute the phone or hold it away and gag. Those used to seriously make me ill. I came very close to puking on a 3 hour scat call where the guy wanted to talk about smearing it all over ourselves, including in our mouths, whilst fucking. Yeah, sick stuff there. And idk what it is, but alot of English guys like scat. Normally you would think it was the German's. But nope, most of my scat guys are British.

Back to cambaby...after he shit his diaper for mommy, then I had him sit on his bum and squish it around, real good. We did some more spanking, still in his shitty diaper. Then we talked about why he was in a diaper (because he was a whiny man who acts like a baby and so will be a baby) and how he was going to stay in a diaper and not be allowed to use the potty. Then we talked about how when mommy's hypothetical boyfriend comes over, he was going to have to squat and shit his diaper in front of said boyfriend. Then he was going to have to sit in a crib and watch mommy fuck her fake boyfriend. After his cock was nice and hard from so much humiliation, I had him lay on his stomach and hump the ground til he came in his shitty diaper. Because bad boys aren't allowed to play with themselves. Or touch their cocks at all unless mommy says so. And mommy never says so.

**So this is the first installment from my phone fetish series. I will be linking all my wonderful little stories on my new page.Now you be good little whores and there will be more to cum...

Quickie before bed

I should seriously be sleeping. But instead I'm doing this and reading blogs. I love reading blogs and have been keeping up with some of the blogs on my list for several years. I have also been slamming my subs like a bad girl. Why? Needle fetish. More on that later because I really do need to go to bed.

Just got done with work. Not even one call tonight it was so slow. I don't think any of the girls got anything. We were all hanging in the chat, bored as hell. My boss gave me a couple weeks to get reacquainted before I have to start blogging and doing ads for my girl. I have been lazy and using my free time to...read more blogs and feed the needle addiction. After the first few times it doesn't even get you any kind of buzz, not really anyways.

Wrote my doctor an email, more on that later. And by doctor, I mean my sub doc. Sorry this is probably about boring. But at least I'm trying right? Oh and I have a new addiction-5 hour energy. I love those things. I have been drinking 2-4/day for a few months now. My husband gets pissy about it because he is a narcissistic ass who can't stand for me to have anything sometimes. Always has to bitch about something. Another thing I will elaborate on later. I have always hidden that, made excuses for him but no more. Don't get me wrong, he can be wonderful. But I have always said he is like the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead...when s/he is good s/he is very very good and when s/he is bad he is HORRID!

I decided to let you guys get a good look at me. Well actually, it's from a few years ago, when I was still doing cam as a dominatrix. My dreads are down to my waist now and I think I am a bit skinnier. I am down to 125lbs for the first time in many years. Usually people bloat up when they get off the drugs. Not me, anxiety caused me not to eat, sleep or even sit down for a whole month. I dropped 30lbs then and have managed to keep it off. I am very active during the day.

See you whores soon...

A little construction

Working on my blog. Haven't done anything with it in a looong time. Now that I am back to phone whoring, I may have time to actually write somewhat. I have blogs and ads and junk to write for my characters too. Maybe I will make a page just for phone sex stories. Cause man have I got stories! See ya soon.

Chris is gone, and this time he can't come back...

Found out earlier today that my friend of 12 years killed himself 10 days ago. That's how long it took the authorities to find his family. He has not had much contact with them in the past few years. Looks like an overdose, there was some sort of note. His brother will be here in the morning and we will begin to find out more then.

He moved from our house to Seattle, I guess about 5 years ago. I am not good at keeping track of time so that may be a bit off. His brother went with him. It didn't take long for the tar to get to him. He spent a few years fighting a nasty addiction to it. He got clean and made plans to come back and stay with us. He always considered my husband and I his family. Sometimes his only family. Because no matter what he had done, we never judged and always welcomed him home. He met a girl at rehab. Former stripper, current cam girl, like myself. We had not heard from him for sometime. He once again made plans to bring his new wife home. We talked about setting up our own cam site. Lost contact again. Then his brother started telling us how he had fallen into meth. That his wife was psychotic to the point that her family threw HER out when Chris split up with her. And they allowed him to stay at their house when he, once again, made the decision to get clean. Apparently the meth use was heavy, very heavy. And of course he is a slammer. Didn't take long for the psychosis to set in. He called his family, all of us, and told us to be careful. We were being watched by a cartel that had kidnapped him, drugged him, beat him and dumped him in a ditch for dead. This was after he disappeared on a two week bender.

His wife's family had to commit him. He was totally paranoid and in the grip of full psychosis. His brother went to see him. He was drugged to the gills. Not himself. He got out and back together with his wife. I knew all this from his brother. But Chris himself had his wife call and tell us he was at a center doing a sleep study. He had never lied to us before. He had no reason to now. There is not one thing he could have said that I would have held against him or made me think less of him. Things changed with us after that.

Once again had no contact for sometime. Then he wrote to say he was getting divorced. He was trying to get the money for a plane ticket, was once again planning on coming home. No contact again. Then he writes me on fb. Him and Tori or Anna, or whatever identity she was choosing to be that day, were together again. They were at the Mayo clinic. She was getting tests done. They were clean and wanted to come home and be near the only family he felt he had left. They were desperate to hurry and have a baby. She told me she had health problems and she needed to get pregnant right away or she would not be able to have kids at all. They seemed happy but I knew it was all a lie. They hinted, alot, for me to give them the invite to come live with us. After everything, I knew better than to say yes right away. Besides that, we have two more kids we didn't have when he lived with us before. I just started back to work after 3 years gone. And my husbands job is about to be no more. The company is going under. We cannot even support ourselves without help from the in-laws. So we certainly could not support them til they got jobs and a place. Plus the whole baby thing was just outrageous. They were newly clean (which I doubted) hardcore addicts, they had no place to live, no jobs. None of it sounded right, or like Chris at all.

I called his brother. He had not actually spoken to Chris in sometime. But he had gotten news from other family members. He did not know Chris was back with Tori/Anna. He did know that Chris went to stay with their mom. Who he refers to as "the egg donor". She did not raise her kids, nor give a damn about them growing up. Apparently Chris stole some company checks from her work. Got them cashed and split. Getting his mom fired and himself a warrant. Then he went to stay with an uncle. That was the last his brother knew. He said we should definitely steer clear of Chris. He would just bring trouble. So I wrote Chris back on fb. Told him sorry but we don't have the room or the financials to help this time. But we would love to see them and could help them find a place. They were living out of hotels near the mayo clinic. That was 10 days ago. I JUST realized that was the day he did it. OMG. He killed himself the day I told him he no longer had a home to come to.

OK, sorry, I didn't think of that earlier because I was in shock. I know I couldn't have let him come, not really. Not with all the trouble he had brought on himself. I have my kids to think of. But it still makes me wonder if he thought that the last people who were always there for him weren't anymore. So what we know so far is him and Anna/Tori had a fight, she left, he wrote a note and overdosed. Possibly on pills. They found no track marks, maybe they really were clean. I wonder where the fuck this bitch Tori is? Does she even know? If she was around, she knew how to get a hold of his family. So she must of disappeared again. She did that alot.

Damn you Chris, why didn't you call me. We talked on fb right before. Mere hours before. I was still here. I just couldn't take on anymore. We just didn't have room. But I was still there...

                                                   

Deep Peace to You
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.

In case anybody stops by thought I would give an update. Been  totally clean since December. If you call being on subs clean, some don't. But I have weaned down to less than 2mgs and now I am getting cravings. Luckily I can't find any dope around here. I don't have any cravings for pills thank gawd. And I honestly don't think I will. Except the occasional mild one but nothing that will take up more than a few minutes thought. Back to the phone sex biz with my old boss. Happy to be making money again and Madison has always taken very good care of me. And she knows about my pill habit. Talked to me about it at length and was very caring and understanding. I have never met this woman face to face and she cares about me more than most people I know. Also got in touch with my Fam in Tenn. Very happy about that. My Aunt has always been more like a mom than my real one. Speaking of her, talked to her once and have her on FB. Says she wants to see my kids, didn't even know she had a new grand daughter and grandson who is named after her father. Says she wants to meet up soon. I even offer to come there. But she never gives me an exact date/time to do this. I invited her to their birthday party and no answer. Not sure what to make of that. Not to surprised and had no real expectations anyways. Maybe I will try to start writing again. Not that life is too exciting right now. Maybe I can relate some of my phone fetish stories. You would never believe some of this shit. And the worst ones comes from people you would never believe. I have to blog for and advertise my characters alot tho, so we will see.