Nothing

Not doing good with my suboxone. Bought a strip today because I am out of my script. I haven't weaned down enough. I am completely terrified of what will happen. My husband doesn't care. His comment was something about another monkey on my back. At least I tried. All he ever did was yell at me that I should be able to quit, just like that. He calls me weak yet he can't go without a cigarette for more than 5-6 hours without going around tearing everyone apart. I am so tired of him. I haven't talked about it here really. He has undiagnosed Narcissistic personality disorder. I don't talk about it because he exhausts me. When I start to I just get to confused and can't explain. There is a high instance of suicides and institutionalization of wives of men with NPD (70% of people with NPD are men). I have been there, both the looney bin and the suicidal fantasies. He is an abuser. And I am stuck. I have no one to help me. No where to go with 4 children I can't even finish this.

ps: I forgot I did want to talk about the fact that I keep thinking of Chris at odd moments, alot. I keep thinking of him in that casket. I think it really gets to me because I would have never thought HE would do something like that. It really shows you how opiates and meth can screw up your receptors and dopamine levels n such. I really believe that had ALOT to do with it. That is what scares me about the subs. I have read and researched alot on this. And one of the worst parts is PAWS. Post acute withdrawal symptoms. That is the lethargy, depression and anxiety that can last weeks to months after you kick any opiates. But subs are the worst. Apparently the initial sickness isn't as bad. But the PAWS is worst that methadone and oxy. Hmmm, how will I ever make it. I miss you Chris. I can't believe you of all people would go out like that. I just really can't...