Nothing new

Well there is nothing much going on. Staying drug free, focusing on getting my kids adjusted to a new school year. I will be submitting my letter to the judge for early term proably next week, they will review my file and set a hearing date. I hate going in to court and I am a bit nervous. But if they deny me I will only have 6 more months to go. I have already done almost a year and half so...

Decided to just sell the beamer. Not really my style. It needed a lil body work so my husband and the new guy busted it out and flipped it for a nice price. We have a few possible hurricanes a brewin. One is supposed to pass us by but the other looks like it may hit. I hope not. 2004 was bad for hurricanes here. A tree fell on our house. I may get a few hydros or a morphine pill this weekend but if not...no biggie. But it would be nice to have a lil something.

And thats it, nothing really new and exciting much. I was having major pill cravings but they have subsided. I update my LJ alot morethan here if anyone is on there and wants to friend. I just like LJ alot more. I love all the communities, I have made alot of friends which is hard for me even over the internet. But if anything good and juicy comes up I will be sure to let ya know.

Shut up

i am in an irritated mood atm so this will be a short update.

second weekend with no coke. yay! haven't even craved it. and all i took was a couple hydros. don't even feel like getting anymore atm.

before you anons post comments, feel free to ask me questions. sometimes ppl make assumptions in their comments. i hate assumptions, altho i am guilty of it too sometimes. i try not to do it. i will answer you honestly, i have nothing to lose. not like any of you think much of me anyways. but at least it will help you make more intelligent comments (i know it IS a stretch in hoping that will happen, haahaa).

edit: someone said i mock and ignore criticism-here was my reply-"ps, of course i mock and ignore criticism. first of all, the anons just want to spew insults. none of you have bothered to try giving constructive criticism. secondly, i dont even know who these ppl are. do you take criticism from ppl you dont even know? i mean how smart would that be, you cant even leave your name yet you expect me to take your criticism, how ridiculous is that. i mean come on seriously?
if one of you tried to talk to me like an adult without insults thrown in than maybe i would take you more seriously.
no one is going to listen to someone who just sits there and puts them down."

thats it nothing too exciting, oh cept i got a new car, yay. well actually not too yay. its an older BMW. i am NOT a beamer type of girl. altho, i did have a dream about getting one like a year ago. it's in good condition overall. i really want a transam '71-'75 year model. my bf's buisness is really picking up. he hired a guy who does mechanic work so he can take on some jobs he did not feel comfortable doing on his own. he is an excellent welder but has not done alot of car work previously. the new guy is real nice and a good worked so far. been with us now for almost 3 weeks.

I am back

I know I just posted but I just read something that pisses me off.

Once again fucking NA being stuck up their own fucking asses.

How can ppl like this stick their fucking noses up at others?

It sickens me. It really, really does.

And all you fucking supporters, don't bother with your lame ass comments. Half the time I don't even read the whole comment. I have a short attention span and cannot be bothered with your rambling, seriously(and just because i responded to it, doesn't mean i read all of it, you ppl are all the same and say all the same shit overandoverandover again *sigh*). Even when I am dead bored, I have better things to do. I hate wasting time on bad movies and ppl I don't know nor care about talking shit. Of course obviously you guys love it since you come here and read me, even though you don't like what I write about, lol. If you are leaving it to spew your garbage so others can be subjected to your narrow mindedness go right ahead, be my guest.


Sooooo, this girl who's LJ I read. She has been in NA for years, giving it a real go. But it just wasn't enough, so she is on maintnance. But since she is on the meth program, stupid fucking NA won't help her because she is still "using". Go shove it up your fucking tight arse! She Found a methadone anon group online and bought a step book but has no sponser or anyone close to help her work the steps. She found a sponser online in another state, but I am sure having someone in person would be better. IDK. I think it's fucked up. Don't get me wrong...I do not COMPLETELY AGREE with the methadone program and I am not COMPLETELY AGAINST NA. To me whatever works for someone, to help keep them clean and happy is all that matters. I think NA can be a good program for alot of ppl but not EVERY SINGLE ADDICT. And they certainly have NO RIGHT at all to turn their nose up at other programs. This is what I hated about NA when I gave it a shot. The ppl who had 1 year were such fucking snots. And even the guy running the place told them they better be careful. The ones who had a long time clean, who forgot where they came from were the ones most at risk for relapse

It makes me ad for this girl. You can tell she really is trying the best way she knows how to get clean. She normally shoots 3 bags at a time and does not get high off her methadone. She is reaching out for help and no one will help her because they are so stuckup their own fat asses. Fuck em. More and more ppl are starting to smell their shit. She actually put off going on meth b/c they were telling her not too and it is what has saved her life. She is so happy that she decided to no longer listen to them.

Ok that's it I am done. haahaa.

Chairman of the bored

I am so bored right now. There is nothing on T.V., I have done all I feel like doing on the internet. There is a stupid tropical storm, which might turn into a mild hurricane, on the way. I have been through MUCH worse. I just have to drag some plants in.

So I am pretty proud of us. No coke this weekend, didn't even fiend for it. I just know it is not an option. So for now there is no point pining over it. I had a few pills left over from last weekend, but we didn't buy anything. Our connect stopped by to say "hi". He meets his dude right by the house. But he didn't bug us to get anything which is cool cause he usally does. My bf must have had a talk with him about it. Usually we SAY we are gonna leave it alone and then as soon as he drops in that goes out the window. But not this time.

The kids started back to school, thank gawd. They were starting to pick at each other, which they do at the same time each year right before school starts. Letting me know they are ready to go back.

I wrote my letter to the judge. My mother in law is polishing it up for me. Then my bf will hand deliver it to the judge this week for a hearing date. Wish me luck! They are proably just going to convert me to regular probation for the remainder. Which is giving me just enough rope... but that's not an option this time. This time it will be prison. But it won't come to that. I know myself too well. You know what's funny. I have really good intuition. Sometimes I can just feel things and I know something bad is going to happen yet I still keep on going in that direction. Stupid huh? Well at least you can't say I am not focused and determined. I have learned to start trusting my instincts more now. Anyways, enough with the mystical psychic shit. lol I don't think I am psychic in any way. I think this is a natural part of every human being. It is just whether or not you are open to it.

Other than all that boring crap there is absolutely nothing new and exciting to report as of yet. And honestly I hope it stays that way for a bit.

Flying Douchebags

For some reason lately I have been craving weed. I haven't smoked for the most part of 4 years and it hasn't really bothered me. What got me started on it was one night coming down off coke. I didn't have anything else, my bf was smoking and I really wished I could have. But this has happened before so IDK what the sudden interest is. I used to have dreams about it. I would "accidentally" smoke, forgetting I was on probation and I would wake up freaking out trying to figure out if it was real.

I have 18 hydros sitting in front of me. I am achy, chilly, sneezy and have a sore throat and can't take em. Isn't that about a bitch, haahaa. Oh well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I know what I am getting into and still choose to do it. So suffer away I will.

I have a new guilty pleasure. I know, I KNOW, it's really lame but... I like watching reruns of the old 90210. I didn't even watch that shit when it first came out. But for some reason I love to watch it now and sit there and bitch about how fucking stupid it is.

Oh and my bf is being a fucking total douchebag the last few days. I let him get away with it every now and then, get it out of his system. But he is pushing it. He is also bringing up a bunch of crap. Maybe I will explain all that one day, but it is alot and I have no patience so I will proably have to break it up into chapters or something, lol. For now, just know that he is a taurus and even when he knows he is wrong, will not admit it. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate ppl who can't admit their faults an mistakes. Anyways, I'm bored. cya.

For all you hard core 12 steppers out there

I know, I know this a holy hella long ass thing to read. I x-posted it from a harm reduction community. One of my life journal friends who works in harm reduction wrote this about the much overrated 12 step program. I wanted to share it with the world.

EDIT: I was just sent a copy of the magazine called "Mainline" where this article was published. The author is also the editor of mainline and works for the RWC- http://www.rwc.org.nz/
it is a harm reduction center in Christchurch, NZ.
They have alot of other good articles I may share with you guys in the future, especially if I get a scanner because I am way too lazy to type it all out.heh.

if abstenteeism is the benchmark for treatment then relapse must be itsultimate failure or would this be too simplistic. I personally think, theprolific and wide spread use/saturation of the 12 steps treatments and totalabstinance are the laziest forms of para-therapies. Its making money from asystem which was never designed to be implimented in such a form. I get thezig when considering the billions of people dependant on pharmacologicalprescriptions, which are viewed as acceptable as the political and societalfingers are pointed at the 'addicts', the people of choice.You get enough christians too say 'what we are missing and need is god andJesus in our lifes and they will be followed to the ends of earth, the sameseems to ring true, for the spiritual parade of the 12 steppers terrorisedby one drug is too many and a thousand never enough.Living without drugs is like giving up woman or men because we got hurt orinto trouble, is love that dangerous.what do i know ime just a serial failure-


person undergoing 12-Step treatment

This is, in my opinion, a procatively honest and courageous admission of the counter-productive internal state of confusion and uncertainty following exposure to 12-Step addiction treatment.


12-Step treatment is abstinance based, there is no mid-ground between abstinence and habitual drug use, except for the act of "relapse", an ambiguous term with as many ambiguous embedded values. As there is no middle-ground in 12-Step treatment, it inevitably creates an invisible, albeit operative, dualism that ultimately results in the risk of a person adopting the moral values ascribed to addiction and drug use behaviors that are socially biased and bound by conventional and unchallenged, not to forget out-moded, labels denoting negative social behaviors that are anti-social in their inherently unchallenged immorality. Whilst 12-Step theories may not crudely admit to the use of moral value judgments, it is a common occurrence in their literature and meeting formats. eg. the key tag is a tool to separate members into a hierarchy of clean time. An applause is received upon the presentation of the key tag; the "ultimate" key-tag status is furthermore hierarchichal and adops value based notiong in the very material they are made of, ie. gold is worth more than silver. That 12-Step groups adopt unconsciously accepted positive reactions in order to acknowledge an individuals "clean time" is suggestive that "clean time" is synonymous with "good behavior". In short, this gives rise to contexts that spiral into a chain-effect of positve/negative re-enforcements, ie. good/bad, abstinent/clean, recovery/addiction, serene/sick, winners/losers. Because 12-step theories leave no room for a mid-ground, it forms a dualistic linguistic system of postive/negative groupings. Negative and disempowering personal labels are abundant in the nature of 12-Step literature. eg. the "inability" to remain abstinent is a defect of the character, a powerlessness over one's free will, a weakness, a surrender that wasn't surrendering enough. In other words, shortfall after shortcoming that separate him/her from the "winners" (thus suggesting the logic of "I am not a winner, I am the opposite").



It disgusts me that 12-Step groups continue to operate despite the fact they fulfil every critera of what constitutes a "cult", all at the expense of an addict seeking help and guidance, not a mandatory adoption of 12-Step concepts and ideologies. Whilst i'ts no longer in bad taste to condemn or make fun of Scientology as a "cult religion", it is still exceptionally taboo to pigeon-hole 12-groups into the same category. It makes no difference that 12-Step groups operate similarly, yet they are spared negative criticism and public ridicule so often slapped in the face of Scientology.


If addiction is treatable and it's taken for granted that it's a social 'problem' in desperate need of a solution, why are addiction treatment based services still (for the most part) married to the rhetorical and dogmatic ideas belonging to 12-Step theories, when there are other methods and concepts of addiction treatment similarly available? Perhaps it's because 12-Step groups and rehabilitation units are far too subjective and self-interested, afraid that their promise that the prgram works without fail (only for those that accept to live by the ideologies that lead to a life in "recovery') will be threatened by the alternative lifestyle choices afforded by other addiction treatment theories that do not make abstinence the end goal, or a goal with any moral or social significance. That lessens the necessity for re-treatment and lessens the dependance of the addict on social services.


Just as harm reduction is a human right, so should the option of non-moral value aadiction treatment programs be a human-right. What is more, 12-Step groups and rehabilitation facilities should not be made conditional in the sentencing of drug-related crimes, nor should attending a 12-Step program be used as a "reward" or an incentive to reduce a sentence. It would be publicly slammed if attending church every Sunday was made a condition of one's parole. However, one can safely guess that at least in this hypthetical situation, one would be able to choose their own choice of church. Why? Because of the acceptance of an individual having the right to choose a belief system that corresponds with their own. Why is the addict not allowed to choose a system that co-operates with their own set of beliefs without being forced to adopt concepts that are incongruous as well as difficult to comprehend? The treatment of addiction requires one to re-evaluate their own beliefs and life-style choices. Why complicate matters further by inducing a set of beliefs and theories that the individual may not relate to for whatever reasons, or to insist the individual finds an identity within the constructs because it is expected?


The treatment of psychological, psychiatric or mental health concerns are met by an evaluation and investigation with the emphasis on what will work for the individual considering the context of the situation. The suitable treatment option for an individual presented with the aspects of addiction should be entitled to the same format. As addiction concerns physical and psychological factors, the application of a "treatment" that accommodates the internal factors which are unique to the invidual's own socio-cultural experiences, rather than expect the individual to respond to the universal treatment of addiction adopted by 12-Step groups.


The 12-Step theory diagnoses each addict as suffering from the "disease of addiction". It is not the individual's fault that they have been by a disease that can't be "cured". The disease concept also encourages individuals not to think of themselves as the only one's, "we're not unique!" to "you're not alone!". Not only is the individual with a current substance addiction possessed by the "disease" of addiction, so are those close to you! They are part of the disease and also require 12-Step therapy. Hence, the addict will ask his closest kin to attend 12-Step groups designed to cater for those on the receiving end of addictive behavior. These groups are available under the premise they're to help empower those living with the "disease of addiction". In short, these groups bear every resemblance to the non-addict 12-Step group. They are taylored for third persons that do not have an addiction problem, and although their purpose is to provide a safe and sound group environment where support is endless, their existence only further nourishes and makes more omnipresent the concept of addiction as an incurable disease that affects not just the addict, but the spouse or family (often labelled as "Co-Dependant" or enablers). And so 12-Step groups are (without question) seen to be "the only way" and a successful means of treating addiction, because the overwhelming numbers at meetings are quickly translated into a success rate. It is, afterall, an international fellowship. It bears the sticker "it works" that misleads and misguides he person unfamiliar with the treatment of addiction into blindly accepting a quasi-monotheistic natured solution to a problem that may or may not respond to the application of "treatment". Certainly, addiction leads to a variety of physical and psychological states of differing degrees, depending on a multitude of circumstances particular to the individual. This is why I warn against the trick 12-Step groups employ, that of making addiction an universal set of truths that are confined by a formalist disease concept theory, accordingly treatable by the application of a universalised set of 12-Steps and the suggestion never to forget that "My name is... and I'm an addict/recovering addict", as if to make a special exception for a not especially exceptional reason.


Addiction is a serious problem that affects more than just the addicted individual. For some, addiction is a way of life. For others, it is a mode of behavior once engaged in for a period of time. Must it be a label one continues to adopt in spite of the fact the individual is no longer in a state of addiction? Divorce is a very emotional process that changes one's marital status. A divorced person will always carry that label wich provides a social detail of one's elegibility to marry. Considering that addicts have such a negative reputation in society, should those no longer addicted be subjected to carrying a label that is embedded with prejudice and hate? Would not the individual benefit from finding their own voice in order to choose their own identity? That a person is engaged with a certain behavior should not condition that person to a life sentence of owning the behavior in the way of a label. At the end of the day, the fact remains that 12-Step programs are an unscientific methodology in the treatment of addiction, constructed from a dialogue of rhetoric and dogma that induces fear and encourages a lack of self-responsibility.
here is the link to the original:
link

EDIT- the person who wrote this, has 3 years clean from the needle and is currently working in harm reduction and earning her masters degree. All without the help of NA.

Pull down the sheets, take of your clothes, get out of bed, I'm so tired

"In every step I hear your sobbing, dare I break the shade with one caress? dare I trespass to lift the veil, to touch the lips so soft and frail?"

So my class yesterday went sooo much better than expected. It was actually insightful and not a bunch of the same mundane propagnda. I have always liked the counselors there. They restored my faith in counseling, which I previously thought was all crap. Most of it still is. I was a bit shy at first but got over it quickly. Of course my last shot of coke was two hours before (let the self righteous comments from the disillusioned fly, we all know how PERFECT you think you are *wink wink* ) going so I was proably dead tired and didn't give a fuck about having anxiety. haahaa. But really I think blogging about beforehand made a difference. That and I was broked in by the previous class. There was also a few ppl that I know from probation and the other class.

Oh and here is something else for the self rightgeous to have a feild day with. When we go on a night of pretty hardcore coke binging. I always feel guilty because of my kids. If I just do a shot or two and then go to bed and go on with life it doesn't bother me. But friday we binged like we have not for awhile and saturday I felt guilty. It has happened before but when the call comes it is so hard to resist. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. The problem is sometimes my bf (sometimes it is me, we switch up). On the times when I say no he wants it. And I can never talk him out of it. If I want and he says no then we don't (usually)cause I listen to his rationalities. Sometimes he will give in. But it takes both of us to say no we can't and be strong together. I think it is fine to party on occasion but I think we are letting it spiral and it needs to be stopped. We talked about this today. So we shall see, no no, we HAVE to do this.

We were good last night and did not get any coke or anything else. Step in the right direction no matter how small. Now we will see how good we do friday. We don't have a choice at this point. We have to stop spending money on coke. Before it gets out of hand. Actually I told him if I could just get pils every now and then I am happy with that. Coke is our downfall and I have no problem leaving alone as long as it is out of sight. When our connect went to jail, it was a god send. And now he is back. He rings all three phones and if we don't answer he comes to the house and offers freebies. If we can out him off for two weekends then he will start to leave us alone. IDK. I'm bored with writing now. more later.

Amen

Self-responsibility, Reason, and Common Sense, the ultimate enemies of organized religion.
-the sick life May 2005

http://thesicklife.wordpress.com/2005/05/17/electric-morphine-asshole-fest/

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution - then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."
ALDOUS HUXLEY

anonymous- go educate yourselves
http://www.opioids.com/

Lonely?

For some reason I am feeling a bit sad. Maybe I am feeling a bit lonely in the world right now. I haven't been sad is so long. For most of my life it was so normal for me to be depressed. Now I am not used to it anymore. I don't get to see many of myfriends right now. Everyone is so busy just trying to get by. Plus alot of my close friends live in another town or out of state. A few of our closest friends have just bought houses so they are working their asses off right now. We all are feeling kind of the same. Sad they we haven't been able to hang out. But it's temporary. Plus I just got in contact with an old friend. We were so close once. But she did something shady and that was that. She didn't do it to purposely hurt me. She's just real fucked up. Anyhow, things will never be the same for us. And I don't know that I will ever find a friend that gets me on that level. No one ever gets me.

so to all the anons out there, now is a good time to take some shots at the poor miserable junkie to make yourselves feel superior.

edit: i am worried about c. his brother walked in and found him banging and told him he had to go to inpatient rehab to be able to continue to live there. he is going to move out. i am worried that he is gonna fuck himself up or maybe even od. he hasn't been up there long enough to make any good friends that really care for him. i wish he would come home and let us care for him. i would even clean up if he did so i could help him get clean. but he would have to listen to me and stay wawy from the ppl he left to get away from and i don't know he would do that. i am scared for him.

Some replies and other heart felt emotinal crap better left unsaid

I give real good advice that I can never follow myself, ha. I say I hate ppl and I do, but on the other hand...I have alot of empathy. More than I would like to.I say alot of things as a way of self preservation. Hating ppl is a way to protect myself. Acting out in an aggressive way is also protection. I feel the need to keep most ppl at a distance. hell i have learned through experience that it is imperative to keep most ppl away.And saying this to the world is making me very vulnerable. I am alot meaner on the outside than I really am. Plus I understand ppl way better than they understand themselves. This is not always a good thing. IDK where all that just came from. Except that I am much happier not letting most ppl in because most ppl will only hurt you and use you. Even if they don't mean too. It's all what most ppl are taught, it is what the world has come to.anyhoo...

Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.


Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.

anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*

anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.

The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.

I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.

Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...

WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.

EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.

I don't like to talk

So, I have social anxiety. When I was a kid, I never talked to anyone. Just gave one word answers. I have never really been able to talk in front of people. I just feel stupid. I am so articulate in my head, but it never comes out that way because I get so nervous. And I have a lisp. My lisp is pretty much unnoticable to others but it fucks with my head. My bf is a social butterfly and this has helped me through the years to come out of my shell, at least with our good friends. Of course drugs and alcohol have helped immensly. I used to always have to start drinking or take some pills before going somewhere. They helped me feel confident and be more talkative. Now I just like being high, going out or not. Fuck it.

The funny thing is, as shy as I am. I was always the girl in the club everyone wanted to hang with or get close to. I have no fucking idea why. Everyone thought I was the shit. My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene, not me. I just tagged along and knew how to dress, lol. But even with our close knit group of friends I was always the one they wanted to come out with. IDK, I never got it. I always felt stupid.

Where I am going with all this is saturday. And that godforsaken class I have to go too. I went to this place for outpatient-court ordered rehab and got quite comfortable with the counselors and the girls I had group with. I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean. What a joke, they even asked me to come back and talk to the future addicts who would come through.

So I have to go to this class and I will have to talk. Since being on house arrest, it has really set me back in the social anxiety department. I am rarely around anyone anymore. And when I am, we are usually high. And when I went to the last class there in June, I had to speak to the class. They are big on making you do that shit, even though they know how much it kills me to speak in front of a large group I don't know. So last time I almost shook to pieces and my voice was even shaky and I know it was noticeable. Oh well, I have been through worse. The counselor really needs to see me doing well as she will be going to court with me when I ask for early release. So I will go and show my glowing face and tell her how grand it is to be clean. Then come home and hopefully take some opi pills.

What the fuck

Of course the guy with the roxi's is out of town til saturday. That's my fucking luck and I feel like shit. fuck, fuck, fuck. Shjt, at least next week should be the week I get my 50 hydros, this time I need to make them stretch a few weekends. But I really hope something comes up for tomorrow. I am not happy unless I have that shit in hand when I get in the car at probation. And I am one impatient bitch, now I am one cranky bitch. godfuckingdammit

I hate making up titles

Man this week went by FAST. I cannot believe it is fucking thursday already. I got a megaload of shit done yesterday despite the fact that I said I was gonna be lazy. And now friday is rolling around and I get to take some roxi's tomorrow. I also get to go take that bullshit class saturday and get it out of the way. I feel damn good. Like things are coming together. Even though half the house is an utter disaster area. But that's because we are gutting some things and doing some "spring cleaning". But it's all half done and won't take much more to finish. Especially when I get some pills in me.

Now I have to catch up on my character blogs. I have an adult baby mommy, adult baby girl, a furry/sci-fi chick, a submissive slut then I blog for a mistress and a college slut. My boyfriend also takes calls on occassion so I blog his character too. Sometimes I seriously run out of ideas and have to puruse porn sites to get the ol brain kicking. My job is SOOO horrible. heheh Oh and for a bit o' cuteness some kittnes.

With a quickness

I did not think I took enough hydros this weekend to have withdrawal symptoms, but guess what? Yeah I got sneezes/sniffles, aches and general not feeling well. It's not unbearable or anything and it gives me a good excuse to be totally lazy without guilt. As if I need an excuse, lol. I think my bf was getting pissed at my laziness last night. I just rolled over and flipped the channel. Anyhow, I am already lining up my stash for this weekend so I can do it all over again.

More piccys

Agnew, he is part timber wolf and the father was some weird mix of shepard, corgi and goddess knows what else. So he has these really short legs. He is by far the smaretest dog I have ever had.









This is our newest, Appletini aka Apple Pancakes. My son found her cowering outside our door. The neighbors said she has been running the streets for days around here. We have not found an owner yet.





Page the guinea pig.



And poor Juna here was left at the clinic I used to work for. She is just an old girl.







Our phone line was down at work yesterday. That means I missed alot of calls and I am pissed. Monday is a good day for me. Guess the pervs are bursting at the seams on Mondays after having to be home with their familys all weekend.

I am jonsin for some pills. But I know, I can't, I'm just saying. I don't want to clean the house unless I have some hydros in me. I am going to get some roxi's this weekend but I got to go easy with those. They make me really sick if I over do it. But it's a damn good high if I get it just right.

The new lil chihuahua, Appletini, has made herself at home. One of the tomcats I feed appears to have a broken leg. We caught him late last night and crated him. He will go to the doc later today. I really hope it's just a sprain. We are going to chop his balls and get him to the adoption center.

Fuck em

When it rains...

...it pours baby. One weekend it's as dry as the Sahara and this past weekend everyone had everything.So on top of some fat coke shots we decided to buy some beans for the first time in a loooong time. We do this every once in awhile, forgetting that they just don't make them like they used to. The kids nowadays have no fucking idea what a good roll is. Ours were just glorified speed that tore up my stomach.SO after the eating the first one the rest went UMB. But the coke was good.

A friend of ours, we shall call him Ben, came over to party. Now me and my bf have had plenty of threesomes with chicks and 1 foursome with a very good friend and his girlfriend. Ben has also been a friend for many years. Unfortunately his gf could not come, she drank too much and passed out before my man called them up. So anyhoo, Ben is a bit on the bi side and likes to suck cock. He is the only guy my bf will let near his and so yeah, that was pretty hot. We have another friend, we shall deem Mason, Mason is one hot ass gay dude (i am a total fag hag btw). My bf mentioned partying with him, Ben and Ben's girl and Mason about creamed his panties when I told him. He NEVER thought my bf would go for that. I looove Mason to death so I cannot wait for that lil party.

At the end of that sex, porn and drug fueled night I had hydros to come down with, Ahhh life is good. And yes we were safe, we aren't stupid 16 year old running around with no fucking clue. We are always safe. We always have plenty of protection and NEVER share ANY paraphenalia.

So that was my weekend. It was fucking HAWT as shit and suprisingly enough, on saturday I wasn't completely tore down. Just a lil tired. Now back to work, it's a slow month in the phone sex industry and the kids are back to school soo, so no more party for awhile. Today my bf takes a friend to court and he will be making my appointment to ask the judge for early term. I am not holding my breath, but it would be REAL nice.

That's it and I am out. Do what makes you happy kiddies and fuck the rest.

-This has been a PSA from you friendly neighborhood phone whore.