I'm still here

Haven't been able to post lately. Things have been awful, sickness, my girl getting robbed when I took her to hook up, my husband telling everyone, including my kids what a junkie whore I am. If I didn't have kids I would just fucking be done and out of here. But I can't leave them behind with a narcissistic father who will only lay into them more with me not about. And I just would not leave my kids for any reason like that.

I will tell you all more about everything later. Right now I have to work my ass off to pay our bills so my husband can sit and play his computer games all day and find new ways to make me feel like I want to die. When I can I will catch up with everyone's blogs, I have just either been horribly ill or working 18 hours a day so I have no time right now. Hope you all are well. Love and hugs~Sick Doll

Suboxone

I was reading My Dead Sons Journal's, my new favorite blog, well one of them. After Matt's journal entry, his mom was talking about excuses. And man do we addicts have some excuses. Anyways, this blog always gets to me. Always makes me think, it makes me honest with myself and makes me want to BE honest with others.

I wanted to get off the suboxone for many reasons. But what really pushed me was the price. Even though I finally got insurance to cover my actual script, I still owe my doctor something like $700+. He was really awesome to help me even though I really could not pay him. He let me go as long as he could. I could try to get insurance to cover my doctor, but I am pretty sure it will be a pre-approval thing and would take weeks to months to get approved through state care (medicaid). Soo, it is just better this way. I thought I would do good. And I would have, if temptation had not come knocking. But that would have happened anyways. It always comes eventually. But I did so good for 9 months and I was proud and my husband was happy with me. Well except when he wasn't, then he used it against me. But I thought I would do ok. Now it's like within a few days I have just gone from bad to worse. I can't do this again, I can't...

Bit o' the ole cam whorin

My funeral attire.

                                             Dreads are getting sooo long now and sometimes a
                                                   huge pain in the bum. But I still love em.
I have lost about 30lbs this year. Actually I lost it all in February when I did a BIG drop in my suboxone dosage and got horrible anxiety. I could not eat, sleep or sit down for a month. I have kept it off by chasing around two toddlers,lol. I forget to eat for several hours and when I remember and make something, they come and eat it. The weight loss was good, but with it, went my boobs. I was a DD. After every pregnancy, my boobs got better and bigger. I would get back down to pre-pregnancy weight but have more boobage and they weren't saggy. They were great!! But now they are gone :( I am sure when my youngest two get a bit bigger and I am not running my ass off everyday I will put on a bit more weight, not too much tho. If that starts to happen then a gym will be in my future. But I do hope to get some boobs back. I was proud of them puppies. lol Guess you can't have it both ways damn it.

                              

Stupid

Probably going to make this kind of short because I am just too drained emotionally to get into all of it. Soooo, really stupid thing is this, my friend has been coming over to use my bathroom to shoot her dilaudids. And she has been giving me either half or whole pills cause she feels bad for knocking on my door 2-3 times a day cause she is staying with her parents and can't do it up there. AND because when her man left her high and dry awhile back and she was doing oxys, when she was sick I would break her off pieces of my subs to help her out. So yeah, stupid, stupid, stupid me, getting back into stupid shit. And of course now I am sitting her feeling guilty and stressed and anxious.

I don't feel like this will get like the oxys and no I am not saying that because I am in denial. I know it very well could go that way. But 1, my husband will never let me go down that road again. 2, dillys aren't like oxy, not for me, not for alot of people. I was even offered a blue (30mg oxy) and turned it down.  I want the fuck off the subs and today I was feeling really run down and kind of bad but it wasn't unbearable. But what makes it unbearable is my husband and his narcissism. When I am feeling bad and need him to help a little more or take over for a few days, he usually then decides to cut out on me. Usually, not always, sometimes he is great, but sometimes he makes things worse.

I am already supremely overwhelmed. With kids, house, work. He wanted to be a stay at home dad but he doesn't do half of what I did as a stay at home mom. I am the main bread winner now but still taking care of every-fucking-thing. IDK, I get no support, no understanding, no credit, except when he is in the mood. His love is definitely conditional, even for the kids. I can't even write anymore right now, it just drains me.

Lil update

I have not yet jumped off the subs. My husband got me a few more so that I can take more time to taper. The more you can taper, the better. I know I have to pay my dues eventually. But I am working my ass off between the kids and the house and my actual job. Most days I am running on 3-5 hours of sleep. 

Work has been SLOW this week too. Sucks because we need money really bad. My husband finally gave up on his job. They are closing any day now. The bank note hasn't been paid, so his brother is just waiting for them to come force him out. Just trying to make what he can in the mean time. But my husband is barely getting any hours and I can make more money them him if he stays home with the kids and lets me log more hours online and taking calls. If I can manage some daytime hours instead of JUST overnights it will get me alot more regulars. So that's that.

I wanted to post a comment I made on a blog just because it explains some of what went on with the pain clinics here in Florida and I just didn't want to have to type all that out again to explain it here. This is an excellent blog. It is written by the father of a beautiful teenage girl who died from an overdose of prescription drugs. I have gotten comments from him and another blogger that...well IDK if I can explain how it truly makes me feel. I always think people like them. people who are just normal parents, regular people, look at people like me as dirty junkies that aren't worth the good air they breathe. They have shown me kindness and seem to truly care. That is more than I have gotten from most people in my life and it means ALOT. The other blogger is Jane. I put a link to her blog in my last post. Their kindness makes me want to try even harder to do this and win. Not alot of people in the world like them. They have lost their children. And I cannot for one instant, as a mother myself, imagine the pain. But instead of being bitter and angry (which I am sure there is some of that too but it doesn't rule them) they are doing something good. And they are helping people. By all rights, they should hate people like me. But they don't and they have reached out to me and that means so much.

Here are their blogs:

http://lifeaftermikhaila.wordpress.com/

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/

And the comment I made that tells some of what I experienced at the Florida pain clinics:

Not ALL doctors care. I am sure you have heard at least some of what has been going on where I am from, Florida. Of course they are now cracking down and leaving thousands of people with no help after helping them get addicted to a very powerful opiate. They (big pharma, our government, our doctors) unleashed this drug with NO regulations. They handed them out like candy. Up until recently, they had pain clinics on every corner. Jane, I believe it was you who had a post about Oxycontin Express? Excellent docu on what has been going on here. When I was still doing pills, I used to drive people to their doctors on occasion, it was just crazy! These “clinics” were open til 9-10pm, had armed thugs at the doors, accepted cash only payments and even filled scripts on site (for an extra charge on each pill of course). Retired doctors were paid good money to come out of retirement and write scripts (sell drugs) all day. The waiting rooms were filled with obvious junkies and dealers. People were making deals on their cell phones right in the waiting rooms! Then going out to their cars with scripts in hand and snorting pills right there in plain site. They were handing out up tp 400 oxy 30mg’s/month, usually with about 150 -15mg oxys, 60-80 xanax (a very dangerous combo with opiates) and sometimes even 10mg percosets. To 20 year old kids who didn’t have a thing wrong with them. To get in they would send you to these shady places to get a MRI once again, cash only payments. I mean I went with my husband to a warehouse with a MRI machine set up and guys with sub machine guns at the door. My hubby doesn’t use, he was just doing this to help my dealer get more pills to pay off my debt. Which I am very ashamed that I put him in that kind of risk to do. But that’s another story. I would see people go to 4 doctors a month and get the above meds prescribed. This went on for years. People would come from other states to get pills to take home and sell. I think that is the biggest reason they started cracking down, that and the amount of OD’s rose so high they could no longer ignore it. But law enforcement in other states started to notice and trying to do something. That brought attention to the whole deal.

With all that, people just didn’t have a chance. I mean I am all for taking responsibility for your actions. We are big boys and girls who made a decision to use and keep using. But I have seen naive people who had never touched a drug get caught up. They had no idea what they were being prescribed and they did have real illness and injuries. And until they were ready to get off their meds they had no idea what had happened to them. So yeah, some doctors care and just don’t know what to do. Or are too bogged down by HMO’s and government rules and patient loads, etc etc. But there are so many that just want that quick dollar as well and don’t care how many people they kill or how many lives they ruin. No one had any idea how bad these little pills were when they first hit. And it still floors me that they were not regulated in any way when they first hit the market."

Pure craziness whores, I tell you...

Important things

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/august-4-tuesday-2009-rating-310-hardcore-user/comment-page-1/#comment-96

This is an amazing blog. It is the story of Matt. He was an addict who died of an overdose. His mom is posting his journal that she found after his death. This post in particular means alot to me. My comment explains why...

"What incredibly awesome advice. I try to tell myself something similar. When the laundry is piled up and the dishes are overflowing and I feel behind and overwhelmed by work but my kids just want me to take them outside and play or just sit on the floor and cuddle and wrestle. In ten years I won’t remember that clean kitchen, but I will remember my 3 year old putting her arms around my neck and telling me “I love you mommy” for the first time. Or my 17 month old learning to blow kisses and looking so silly and cute. When my older two were little I used to tell them mommy can’t play right now because the housework needs to get done. Now I say “screw the work” my little ones (and big ones, 17 year old will be out of the house before I know it) are growing up and time is going so fast. We don’t have long to get those precious, truly important moments in.

That’s also one of the big reasons that made me want to quit using. I was too busy chasing that high or just trying not to be sick and things with my kids got pushed aside. That is unacceptable and has caused me an enormous amount of guilt. And now I have to learn to not let the guilt hold me back. What’s done is done and can’t be changed now. But I can change what I do from here on out." (comment I left on the above post)

I must get completely clean for my kids, as well as myself. The suboxone has been great for helping me learn to live a "normal" life again. But it is still a crutch. I am scared to death. I have read so many stories of others getting off subs, alot of them are horror stories but not all. I have found a helpful forum at soberrecovery.com. There are others there facing jumping off. Some in very similar situations to mine. 

The thing that will be the hardest is having no support. My husband doesn't even know how to be supportive unless he thinks it will be getting excessive admiration. He can be great sometimes, but only when he feels like it. And I have no one else. NA and many addiction therapists say that it is impossible to get and stay clean without good support. But I have no choice. I cannot do this anymore. I have too much to be clean for. I also just had MORE responsibility dropped in my lap. Which will also make my kick from the subs alot harder. But oh well, I have survived worse. Still terrified though. And I have a feeling my husband is going to make me miserable. Well, more miserable. It's his favorite thing.

So my friend, Chris's brother (the friend who killed himself). He is having a hard time. He has been in the reserves and had signed up to go into the Army full time before his brother killed himself. He is at some kind of school for a month. he wrote to say that he thought it would be a good thing but has turned out not to be. But he only has 11 more days. Then hopefully he can come home. I mean back to Florida with his friends and family who knew Chris the best. I wish I could help him more.

I am having a hard time myself. I thought the funeral would help me reconcile what happened, get it through my head. I thought I could start the grieving process and get on with it. And I suppose I am in the process. But I can't sleep well. And I don't get alot of chance to sleep much these days anyhow with work and kids and household running. But I just keep seeing him in that coffin. How it didn't look like him. I just can't understand. This is so unlike the Chris I knew, or thought I knew. It has just blindsided us all. No one had any idea. And I think that is the problem. I think my need to always have answers and understand everything is the problem

So that's it, wish me luck cause I am sure gonna need it. And I see people are reading, feel free to comment. Maybe I should open up anon comments again. I just hate all the fucking ignorant crap you get from fucktards who have no life. Maybe I will think on it.

Til next time whores,

The Doll

Nothing

Not doing good with my suboxone. Bought a strip today because I am out of my script. I haven't weaned down enough. I am completely terrified of what will happen. My husband doesn't care. His comment was something about another monkey on my back. At least I tried. All he ever did was yell at me that I should be able to quit, just like that. He calls me weak yet he can't go without a cigarette for more than 5-6 hours without going around tearing everyone apart. I am so tired of him. I haven't talked about it here really. He has undiagnosed Narcissistic personality disorder. I don't talk about it because he exhausts me. When I start to I just get to confused and can't explain. There is a high instance of suicides and institutionalization of wives of men with NPD (70% of people with NPD are men). I have been there, both the looney bin and the suicidal fantasies. He is an abuser. And I am stuck. I have no one to help me. No where to go with 4 children I can't even finish this.

ps: I forgot I did want to talk about the fact that I keep thinking of Chris at odd moments, alot. I keep thinking of him in that casket. I think it really gets to me because I would have never thought HE would do something like that. It really shows you how opiates and meth can screw up your receptors and dopamine levels n such. I really believe that had ALOT to do with it. That is what scares me about the subs. I have read and researched alot on this. And one of the worst parts is PAWS. Post acute withdrawal symptoms. That is the lethargy, depression and anxiety that can last weeks to months after you kick any opiates. But subs are the worst. Apparently the initial sickness isn't as bad. But the PAWS is worst that methadone and oxy. Hmmm, how will I ever make it. I miss you Chris. I can't believe you of all people would go out like that. I just really can't...

The final goodbye

Today was the day that I said goodbye to Chris for the last and final time. I knew that I had to see him to make my brain understand. Even though we had kept in touch, I had not seen him face to face since he left for Seattle 4 years ago. We talked on the phone, we emailed, messaged on FB. Every single time he always told me he loved us and I said the same. Almost every single time I asked him when he was coming home to us. A few times he texted to say he was coming in a few days. Then we would hear nothing for weeks. This was when he was hard and fast in his addictions. July 16 he was clean and had messaged to say he was finally coming home. July 18 he went home, but not the home we expected. He went home with Mother Goddess to the summerlands and right now I wish I could punch him dead in the face.

We did not attend the actual service, at first I was pissed. Then I was glad. We arrived a 10 minutes after they finished. My husband doesn't do well with the services. Especially since he has buried a few friends in the last two years who were younger (sometimes by 10 years) then we are. I don't like the services either. I just feel obligated. But this time, his brother needed us most for after. When he would have to walk away forever. This is the time I prefer to come and say my goodbyes or during the viewing. especially if I can get there early. I prefer to be able to be with just the people I am closest to and say my goodbyes in relative privacy. I didn't expect to fall to pieces 10 seconds in the door. But as soon as I saw him, I thought I would shake to pieces.

We sat with his immediate family and two other friends. The only people we cared to be there with, to be there for. His brother and his best friend (one and the same) had dragged all religious paraphernalia from the room before the start. Thank the gods. It wasn't Chris and it's all just bullshit. "He's gone home to be with God", you mean the God that lets little girls be mutilated and raped? The God that watches from his All Mighty seat in heaven as his people destroy each other? That's not my god. I stopped buying into all that at 14. The men who spewed about God's love, I watched them do despicable things during the week, then return to church every Sunday to be "washed clean" of their sins. There are many more reasons but this is no theology class students.

I thought watching his mom and dad say their last goodbyes was horrible. She is not his biological mom. She is/was (I keep having a problem with that was word) his step mom. But she raised him. His brother refers to the biological as "the egg donor". She was not even there today. But his mom is just devastated. even after, at his family's house where we gathered for food, she just sat and stared. But as awful as it was for me to see a parent say goodbye to their child (being a mom myself), the real agony came when his twelve year old son arrived. He did not care to come to service either. Preferring more privacy for his goodbye as well. And this is the part where I had the horrible urge to punch a corpse. Seeing his son's knees buckle at the casket. Knowing that boy, at such a young age, has to reconcile why his dad could not stay around for him. Knowing that children almost always blame themselves. Wondering why he wasn't enough for his dad to want to stay. What the fuck Chris?!? Did you even think of him?

It's not like I haven't been there. I went through a period where I fantasized nightly about walking into traffic on the big main road at the end of my street. Til I realized at 4am I would have to stand there awhile. And then it would be just one car who would probably see me in time. then I would get locked away...again. then it turned to blowing my brains out. Til I finally told my husband to hide the keys to the gun cabinet. Why? Because I could NEVER leave my children to feel like I didn't love them enough to stay.

His brother is the person we are next closest to in the family and the one we needed to be there for. After everyone had left, except for Chris's ex (who he has two children with and always remained friends with), his brother, his sister and my husband and myself, we cranked the music (mostly Nirvavna, the songs that Chris spun and made as DJ Spade, known in the Orlando area and some others thrown in). We reminisced and shared stories. I could tell his brother was not ready to leave him. He strummed Nirvana tunes on the guitar, remembering how they used to get the new albums and lock themselves in the room for hours, smoking out and learning every tune. My husband and Chris's brother placed pennies on his eyes before finally closing the casket. That is the hardest part. Closing it and walking away. For those who don't know, it is custom in some cultures to place coins, usually silver but sometimes copper, to pay the boatman that takes the deceased across the River Styx (the river of the dead). For us it is much the same, but we refer to it as "the fairy tax". The fairies will usher him home to the Mother Goddess in the Summerlands.

Go now into the summerlands and be at peace.
I will find you there someday.  

Now that it has finally set in, it won't go away. Luckily I have work to keep me busy. well at least I thought it would, of fucking course tonight has to be slow. But at least I don't have to sleep. I know I could not anyways. I am not doing well weaning down my suboxone. We all know I am stupid that way. just setting myself up for horrible sickness at just the wrong time. I am the main source of income now. I have children to look after. Why am I so damned dumb? I thought I was doing so well. I was so proud. then I fucked up again, typical.

When I started this blog, Chris lived with us. I know somewhere I have posts I have posts about "partying" with him and the girl he dated at the time. Another sort of friend. Who after Chris broke up with her, became my sort of girlfriend for awhile. I would link them but I am emotionally spent right now and exhausted. I hate saying goodbye. For someone who is borderline (personality disorder), it can be particularly excruciating. even if the person is coming back in a few days. We feel abandoned easily. My heart is broken and I am rambling now. I think it's time to go. 

But I don't want to go. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to come (even though I won't be going to sleep til the daylight comes anyways). I still have Monday I suppose. We go and spread some ashes and say more goodbyes. I want to hold on to this pain. It is familiar. Something I am used to. And with tomorrow comes another and then I will start to think of him less (he has consumed my thoughts these last days). I will never forget. So many things to remind me. My husband is so funny. The dress I wore is kind of fetishy (so not a word). I asked him if it was "too much" for a funeral. I knew it wasn't really for Chris's. He would have liked it. So my dear sweet perv of a husband says "no, he would think it's hot, he did get to stick his cock in you". LOL. My husband, ever the pervert. That is his way of dealing though. If there is a way to connect sex and a funeral without being a necro, he can do it. He can connect it with anything. And on that note, I will leave you. But not for long my whores...




Time moves inside you but he won't fade...
 

Diary of a Fetish Conversationalist: part 1

Well tonight I have had a few calls thus far. But the most interesting one was a new caller, at least for me. We shall call him cambaby. Cambaby asked if I could watch him on cam while making him mommy's baby. He was already dressed in his diaper and had his props in place. Cambaby likes to have some added punishment and humiliation. So I had him gag himself and take a stick to his ass. I had him redden it good. then he got to tell mommy who owns him. And who owns cambaby? Me, of course! After cambaby spanks himself, he has to take his cock out of his diaper and show mommy what a good time he is having. Then for added humliation, cambaby get to squat and shit his diaper for mommy. Then when he is done he has to show it to me to prove he has indeed, done the deed.

Now, shit calls used to totally gross me out. Whenever I got a scat call, I would have to mute the phone or hold it away and gag. Those used to seriously make me ill. I came very close to puking on a 3 hour scat call where the guy wanted to talk about smearing it all over ourselves, including in our mouths, whilst fucking. Yeah, sick stuff there. And idk what it is, but alot of English guys like scat. Normally you would think it was the German's. But nope, most of my scat guys are British.

Back to cambaby...after he shit his diaper for mommy, then I had him sit on his bum and squish it around, real good. We did some more spanking, still in his shitty diaper. Then we talked about why he was in a diaper (because he was a whiny man who acts like a baby and so will be a baby) and how he was going to stay in a diaper and not be allowed to use the potty. Then we talked about how when mommy's hypothetical boyfriend comes over, he was going to have to squat and shit his diaper in front of said boyfriend. Then he was going to have to sit in a crib and watch mommy fuck her fake boyfriend. After his cock was nice and hard from so much humiliation, I had him lay on his stomach and hump the ground til he came in his shitty diaper. Because bad boys aren't allowed to play with themselves. Or touch their cocks at all unless mommy says so. And mommy never says so.

**So this is the first installment from my phone fetish series. I will be linking all my wonderful little stories on my new page.Now you be good little whores and there will be more to cum...