Important things

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/august-4-tuesday-2009-rating-310-hardcore-user/comment-page-1/#comment-96

This is an amazing blog. It is the story of Matt. He was an addict who died of an overdose. His mom is posting his journal that she found after his death. This post in particular means alot to me. My comment explains why...

"What incredibly awesome advice. I try to tell myself something similar. When the laundry is piled up and the dishes are overflowing and I feel behind and overwhelmed by work but my kids just want me to take them outside and play or just sit on the floor and cuddle and wrestle. In ten years I won’t remember that clean kitchen, but I will remember my 3 year old putting her arms around my neck and telling me “I love you mommy” for the first time. Or my 17 month old learning to blow kisses and looking so silly and cute. When my older two were little I used to tell them mommy can’t play right now because the housework needs to get done. Now I say “screw the work” my little ones (and big ones, 17 year old will be out of the house before I know it) are growing up and time is going so fast. We don’t have long to get those precious, truly important moments in.

That’s also one of the big reasons that made me want to quit using. I was too busy chasing that high or just trying not to be sick and things with my kids got pushed aside. That is unacceptable and has caused me an enormous amount of guilt. And now I have to learn to not let the guilt hold me back. What’s done is done and can’t be changed now. But I can change what I do from here on out." (comment I left on the above post)

I must get completely clean for my kids, as well as myself. The suboxone has been great for helping me learn to live a "normal" life again. But it is still a crutch. I am scared to death. I have read so many stories of others getting off subs, alot of them are horror stories but not all. I have found a helpful forum at soberrecovery.com. There are others there facing jumping off. Some in very similar situations to mine. 

The thing that will be the hardest is having no support. My husband doesn't even know how to be supportive unless he thinks it will be getting excessive admiration. He can be great sometimes, but only when he feels like it. And I have no one else. NA and many addiction therapists say that it is impossible to get and stay clean without good support. But I have no choice. I cannot do this anymore. I have too much to be clean for. I also just had MORE responsibility dropped in my lap. Which will also make my kick from the subs alot harder. But oh well, I have survived worse. Still terrified though. And I have a feeling my husband is going to make me miserable. Well, more miserable. It's his favorite thing.

So my friend, Chris's brother (the friend who killed himself). He is having a hard time. He has been in the reserves and had signed up to go into the Army full time before his brother killed himself. He is at some kind of school for a month. he wrote to say that he thought it would be a good thing but has turned out not to be. But he only has 11 more days. Then hopefully he can come home. I mean back to Florida with his friends and family who knew Chris the best. I wish I could help him more.

I am having a hard time myself. I thought the funeral would help me reconcile what happened, get it through my head. I thought I could start the grieving process and get on with it. And I suppose I am in the process. But I can't sleep well. And I don't get alot of chance to sleep much these days anyhow with work and kids and household running. But I just keep seeing him in that coffin. How it didn't look like him. I just can't understand. This is so unlike the Chris I knew, or thought I knew. It has just blindsided us all. No one had any idea. And I think that is the problem. I think my need to always have answers and understand everything is the problem

So that's it, wish me luck cause I am sure gonna need it. And I see people are reading, feel free to comment. Maybe I should open up anon comments again. I just hate all the fucking ignorant crap you get from fucktards who have no life. Maybe I will think on it.

Til next time whores,

The Doll