Tried to post two pages from Chris's journal, you know, my friend that offed himself in a hotel back in July. But it would not post. So I will try again later. As for me...
Things are a 110% better with me. I got back on the suboxone. I am making hella cash at the phone whore thing and my husband and I are once again getting along. Now that I got my shit back together. He really hates the pills but goes about trying to get me clean the completely wrong way. Yelling at me and calling me names, putting me down to anyone who will listen, yeah, that will only make me use more.
I work all the time, which is good. At least it is from home so I can be with my kids when needed. But I do have to stay holed up in my room doing the phone kink thing quite a bit tho. Actually it is nice to have sometime to myself after being with my kids 24/7 non-stop for the last three years.
So as for my week and a half slamming hydromorphone. It was total bullshit. My now ex-friend, who is a prostitute, addict, pregnant and currently trying to get her kid back from state custody (yeah right!) was the one who showed up with the dillys. Of course on the second day after I jumped off the subs and wasn't feeling well and was ever so happy to get some relief. Well, NEVER again. That week reminded me of every reason why I got off pills. Got deathly ill twice when there wasn't anything around, bitch got robbed when I took her to score. Which we have since found out she screwed this guy over and he was just exacting revenge. But still, she got me caught up in that shit. Spent countless hours running her around looking for pills. When every damn time it was "oh we only gotta go 10 min up the road" and "yeah it's all set up, they are waiting". All lies. I let her man sleep on my couch and all he did was badmouth me the whole time. Then the bitch took my husband for $20 damn dollars. So yeah, no more of that shit.
It was actually good it happened. Really reminded me of what I got away from. The whole damn week all I wanted was to be back on the subs. So that is my update for now. I plan to jump off again soon. I want rid of all of this shit, for good.
I have tried to get around to catching up on some blogs but there are ALOT of pervs out there and they all seem to want to talk to me. Yeah I'm THAT good. lol I'm so good that my boss sends me all the new callers and returning callers that have not called in awhile so I can hook em back in. I also get the guys who had one special girl they liked but now she is gone. My boss gives them 3-5 free minutes usually by the thrid minute they are adding more time. Of course the down side to being so good is alot of these guys get hooked on me and want to meet me or come live with me. I swear this guy I have talked to all of about 3 times, an hour each, was ready to drop everything and move across the country so that I could sissify him completely. I try to impress upon these guys how dangerous that is for both parties.There are alot of adult babies out there desperate for a mommy. And many have been taken by unscrupulous women. But anyhow, that is a post for another day. Adult baby is waaaay more then a fetish,
Love you all, thanks for reading and especially bugerlugs. I will be checking in soon and I hope you are doing well.
~The Doll
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3 comments:
Hi Carrion, Ah thanks for the mention, that made day ;-)
Glad to hear everything is going so much better. It doesn't take long to remind ourselves of the crap involved in scoring, using, waiting, rattling . . . endless fun eh? O well, at least you are through it now and on to the other side. And sounds like business is thriving too!
All good stuff Carrion. I'm feeling slightly more hopeful this week as my main man has been sent down . . . I hope this will help, but as we both know, where there's a will (to use) there is always a way :-(
I need to lose that will and find the will to get, and stay, clean . . .
Much love and many hugs to you Lovey and so pleased all is good for you x x x x
Wow, your description of the whole drug-run sounded so Urban Cowboy crossed with Bar Fly (a great flick but somewhat unknown). It was like a movie playing in my mind as I read: only light on faces, older luxiury sedan, only street lights in a 1950's suburban, brick neighborhood where all the houses look alike. You sitting in the car checking your cell while she goes to the screen door and some creepy guy answers, looks around nervously, then lets her in. The people inside are sitting in a smokey room, some diapered kid runs around the coffee table full of ....
However, your writing speaks of a well-educated and shrewd woman. Someone who could run the editing dept. of Vogue magazine is who I see in your style and grammar. The writer here has voice yet contol so as not to be too smarmy. Your writing has class.
I just can't see this writer as being the same person in that 2002 Lexus. It's like fiction.
Do you ever feel like you are living in fiction? Like this isn't really your life?
Another wonder I have: Do you feel like having to spend so much of your time with men that see you as a fantasy affects your ability to see yourself as real? I am so not probing and really it's none of my damn business, but I am just intrigued. You see I believe dealing with public education makes me feel like hiding my real self. I go to work and put on a face. I come home and the face is hard to peel off.
I want to scream at these parents, "No, your kid cannot be anything in the world. Your kid is not perfect! Let him/her experience failure because the world sure will. Stop turning him into a sissy." But, instead I do as you do (but with business attire and Sarah Palin hair) I tell them just what they want to hear: "Has Johnny been a bad boy? Ahww, poor Johnny needs a hug, so we will let Johnny clean some desks and let Johnny's big, mean mommy over here make sure that JOHNNY'S ASS IS WHIPED CLEAN!" You must be disgusted by the state of humanity. I am hoping for you that all that jiz doesn't marinate into your wonderfully classy skin.
Truly, you have a classy soul. I hope you get to be an editor someday. I would read your magazine, for sure.
Glad to hear you are staying strong on the abstinence. Know that I think of you often,
Matt's mom Jane
Putting you down to anyone who will lisren, fuck how familiar that sounds. SOOOOO much shit talking to just random ppl like pill clients, the drug drivers - come on now, there are certain situations where you just keep the shit to yourself. And yeah, it doesnt HELP anything. Dumbasses
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