'nother quickie

This has to be fast, I am swamped. The phone sex company I have been with 8 years has slowed down alot. So I took a job with two other companies. I am running all my characters from all three companies at the same time. We are flat broke. But I am already doing decent with company number 2, with a little work, I should be back on top soon.

Off the suboxone with the help of the most wonderful plant I have ever had the pleasure to meet, kratom. I wish doctors weren't so concerned with $$ and actually concerned with helping people. This plant has so many wonderful qualities. Not only can it help get someone through withdrawals painlessly and even feeling good. It also helps people with depression, anxiety and chronic pain. Oh yes! And you have never even heard of it have you? Wanna know why? We live in a country that takes away our freedom in small doses, til soon there will be nothing left.

Well, other than the being broke, which I am about to remedy, I am great. Much love to Jane (matts mom), bugerlugs, Anna and Melody Lee oh and Shane. Go check out Shane's blogs, NOW, he is the greatest unknown writer of our time. I promise you will not be disappointed. I am in love with his words. Hope to catch up with you all soon.

Shane's amazing writing, sex, drugs, debauchery, and fucked up family fun all in one place and beautifully written. Go now!! :  http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/
                                      http://sodogwewere.blogspot.fr/

Suboxone is the devil

Ok, first, Matt's Mom just asked me some VERY good questions in her last comment which I will address in my next post and I will respond to Bugerlugs comment as well. But for now I have to make this quick. I am catching up on my hypnotherapy class. Did I mention that yet? I am taking a basic hypnotherapy class. I plan to do the full 1 year program as well. Just need to get caught up on billls n stuff first.

My main goal in this was to be able to do hypnosis calls for work and to make mp3's for my callers. But I ma seriously considering taking it a step further and offering "therapy" sessions by phone or cam for sexual issues and fetishes as well. Alot of people have issues with shame and guilt because of their fetish and I want to help with that.

But anyways, a quick note on the title. I weaned down on my suboxone. I tried jumping off and got HORRIBLY sick. HORRIBLY. Almost as bad as methadone wd's. The only reason it wasn't was because I got more subs after 24hrs. If I didn't, I would have ended up in the hospital. So I have now ordered Kratom to try again. I am also trying to get in with a doctor to get a script of baclofen. I will get into what these things are and how they have helped or are supposed to help in my next post or two.

 All I can say is IDK what to do. I felt so good about myself that I got off the oxy, got my life back. I am working, making money, taking care of my family...so proud. And now this. I knew getting off subs would not be easy but I had no idea it would be like THAT. I have to find a way. I am buying subs off the street and as we all know, that won't last forever. And there are times I may not be able to find anything and be left horribly sick again. That CANNOT happen. I want my life back. I am going to take it back. I just don't know how yet.

.

I have a few plans, we will see how it goes. Wish me luck because I am terrified. And another problem is I am back to IVing my subs. Which shoots the BA up and makes them more potent. So even though I have weaned down I am making them stronger. I have to get that under control. I only have one needle left. After that it will be hard for me to acquire more without my husband finding out. I need to just destroy it and give him the subs I have left and make a schedule for myself. We will see how that goes,heh.

I have researched and researched baclofen and kratom and read many, many good things. I know my doses and how to taper n such. This has to work or I am fucked. I wish I had money for The House of Iboga. Google it, that place is amazing. That root is amazing. I used baclofen for the first 5 days off of subs and it worked great. But I ran out and that is when the horrible sickness came over me. The stomach pain was UNBELIEVABLE. I retched and puked and dry heaved til I choked. I am TERRIFIED. There was no reprieve, no rest, it never stopped. Not like when you have a stomach flu and you puke then feel better for a bit. No, it was constant.

Don't get me wrong, I think suboxone can be  great for some people. But it is a powerful drug that doctors are over using to make money. When I was put on it, I had weaned my oxy habit down to 30 mgs/day. That isn't shit compared to most. That isn't even what is normally prescribed. My doctor looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my does (my GP, not the sub doc). Asked me what the problem was because I was taking less than the prescribed dose. I told her the problem was that I was addicted, buying from the streets, taking for the wrong reasons. I wanted help and she told me to come back in 3 weeks and we would talk about it. WTF? When an addict comes to you for help, you don't fucking send them away. That was the stupidest shit I had ever heard. Well not THE stupidest but damn close. 

So I go to this sub doc, he puts me on 16mgs! For a 30mg a day habit. That was ridiculous. And he wanted me to take it for a YEAR! WHAT!?! I immediately started to wean down and use the rest to make cash to pay for his expensive ass. Fucking drug dealers, the lot of them. I should have been put on a low dose for two weeks and then weaned off. That would have been proper for my habit at the time. They way over use this shit and it ends up being worse than the oxy. All about the benjamins baby! Check out what the House of Iboga says about suboxone. How bad it is for your body. And it is true. After a few days back on it, I can really tell. And the mind cloudiness, never noticed til I tried to get off, crazy shit man, crazy.

So that is my sad, pitiful story. I am sad, terrified, not so proud now. But I have to do this. There is no choice. My kids deserve better. And that was another bad thing. My poor babies watching me be so sick. I know my little girl was worried. She was so happy when mommy felt better and that breaks my heart...

Good music

CANNOT stop listening to this song. Dax is so amazing, still rockin it. Acid Bath is still def on my top five but I really love how he shows on his vocal range in his solo stuff. And hey, the eye candy don't hurt either.

Here is a little Acid Bath to go along with it, my fav song:

Suicide is painless

Tried to post two pages from Chris's journal, you know, my friend that offed himself in a hotel back in July. But it would not post. So I will try again later. As for me...

Things are a 110% better with me. I got back on the suboxone. I am making hella cash at the phone whore thing and my husband and I are once again getting along. Now that I got my shit back together. He really hates the pills but goes about trying to get me clean the completely wrong way. Yelling at me and calling me names, putting me down to anyone who will listen, yeah, that will only make me use more.

I work all the time, which is good. At least it is from home so I can be with my kids when needed. But I do have to stay holed up in my room doing the phone kink thing quite a bit tho. Actually it is nice to have sometime to myself after being with my kids 24/7 non-stop for the last three years.

So as for my week and a half slamming hydromorphone. It was total bullshit. My now ex-friend, who is a prostitute, addict, pregnant and currently trying to get her kid back from state custody (yeah right!) was the one who showed up with the dillys. Of course on the second day after I jumped off the subs and wasn't feeling well and was ever so happy to get some relief. Well, NEVER again. That week reminded me of every reason why I got off pills. Got deathly ill twice when there wasn't anything around, bitch got robbed when I took her to score. Which we have since found out she screwed this guy over and he was just exacting revenge. But still, she got me caught up in that shit. Spent countless hours running her around looking for pills. When every damn time it was "oh we only gotta go 10 min up the road" and "yeah it's all set up, they are waiting". All lies. I let her man sleep on my couch and all he did was badmouth me the whole time. Then the bitch took my husband for $20 damn dollars. So yeah, no more of that shit.

It was actually good it happened. Really reminded me of what I got away from. The whole damn week all I wanted was to be back on the subs. So that is my update for now. I plan to jump off again soon. I want rid of all of this shit, for good.

I have tried to get around to catching up on some blogs but there are ALOT of pervs out there and they all seem to want to talk to me. Yeah I'm THAT good. lol I'm so good that my boss sends me all the new callers and returning callers that have not called in awhile so I can hook em back in. I also get the guys who had one special girl they liked but now she is gone. My boss gives them 3-5 free minutes usually by the thrid minute they are adding more time. Of course the down side to being so good is alot of these guys get hooked on me and want to meet me or come live with me. I swear this guy I have talked to all of about 3 times, an hour each, was ready to drop everything and move across the country so that I could sissify him completely. I try to impress upon these guys how dangerous that is for both parties.There are alot of adult babies out there desperate for a mommy. And many have been taken by unscrupulous women. But anyhow, that is a post for another day. Adult baby is waaaay more then a fetish,

Love you all, thanks for reading and especially bugerlugs. I will be checking in soon and I hope you are doing well.
~The Doll

National suicide prevention week

In remembrance of Chris and Brian, who didn't call, who could not see past their pain to all those who cared about them and still miss them everyday...

Update to come soon. I have just been working ALOT!! I am back on the suboxone and things are MUCH better. I do have to tell you guys about my week of bullshit while relapsing. TOTAL reminder of why I wanted to get away from that shit in the first place.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150517199390685.368788.11261740684&type=3

I'm still here

Haven't been able to post lately. Things have been awful, sickness, my girl getting robbed when I took her to hook up, my husband telling everyone, including my kids what a junkie whore I am. If I didn't have kids I would just fucking be done and out of here. But I can't leave them behind with a narcissistic father who will only lay into them more with me not about. And I just would not leave my kids for any reason like that.

I will tell you all more about everything later. Right now I have to work my ass off to pay our bills so my husband can sit and play his computer games all day and find new ways to make me feel like I want to die. When I can I will catch up with everyone's blogs, I have just either been horribly ill or working 18 hours a day so I have no time right now. Hope you all are well. Love and hugs~Sick Doll

Suboxone

I was reading My Dead Sons Journal's, my new favorite blog, well one of them. After Matt's journal entry, his mom was talking about excuses. And man do we addicts have some excuses. Anyways, this blog always gets to me. Always makes me think, it makes me honest with myself and makes me want to BE honest with others.

I wanted to get off the suboxone for many reasons. But what really pushed me was the price. Even though I finally got insurance to cover my actual script, I still owe my doctor something like $700+. He was really awesome to help me even though I really could not pay him. He let me go as long as he could. I could try to get insurance to cover my doctor, but I am pretty sure it will be a pre-approval thing and would take weeks to months to get approved through state care (medicaid). Soo, it is just better this way. I thought I would do good. And I would have, if temptation had not come knocking. But that would have happened anyways. It always comes eventually. But I did so good for 9 months and I was proud and my husband was happy with me. Well except when he wasn't, then he used it against me. But I thought I would do ok. Now it's like within a few days I have just gone from bad to worse. I can't do this again, I can't...