I give real good advice that I can never follow myself, ha. I say I hate ppl and I do, but on the other hand...I have alot of empathy. More than I would like to.I say alot of things as a way of self preservation. Hating ppl is a way to protect myself. Acting out in an aggressive way is also protection. I feel the need to keep most ppl at a distance. hell i have learned through experience that it is imperative to keep most ppl away.And saying this to the world is making me very vulnerable. I am alot meaner on the outside than I really am. Plus I understand ppl way better than they understand themselves. This is not always a good thing. IDK where all that just came from. Except that I am much happier not letting most ppl in because most ppl will only hurt you and use you. Even if they don't mean too. It's all what most ppl are taught, it is what the world has come to.anyhoo...
Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.
Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.
anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*
anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.
The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.
I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.
Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...
WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.
EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.
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7 comments:
"I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them."
So how do you explain getting high every time (that you can get something) after seeing your PO?
If you wanted the luxury of being a fuck up you shouldn't have had kids. There's no way that being in jail, on house arrest, using drugs, and having sex with whoever you feel like it doesn't affect your kids. You obviously don't love them enough to change.
I do not recall ever saying that I thought getting fucked up was a mistake. And do not EVER say I don't love my kids just because you cannot get out of your own head long enough to try to understand someone elses exsistence.
"But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be."
Nice baby, very nice. I wish more people that get high could be that self confident and not let the fact that they like drugs crush their view of themselves.
shelley
ty shelley, for some reason that makes me feel good. your an awesome person.
There's no way that being in jail, on house arrest, using drugs, and having sex with whoever you feel like it doesn't affect your kids.
AMEN. People like this should not be parents. You are selfish beyond belief. And before you say normal people don't understand, I have been addicted to opiates before. I choose not to have kids until I know I am stable enough not to fuck them up. It is inconceivable that you think what you're doing is ok. Obviously your pleasure is more important than being a mother.
just because you were addicted doesn't mean you will automatically understand, your still a stupid sheep, some sheep dable in opiates and unfortunately it doesn't make them smarter. I had kids befroe i became an addict. and yes i fuck up sometimes and yes i make mistakes and yes i am selfish but i still love my kids. lots of ppl, good parents even, indulge in selfish behaviour. NO ONE IS PERFECT.
I wonder how it is possible that some people actually think that making questionable decisions(in the eyes of society)nullifies the love you feel for your children. If being perfect was a prerequisite for having kids, the human race would have died out long, long ago. It also never ceases to amaze me when ex-addicts don the mantle of self-righteousness that makes it seemingly ok to pass judgement on everybody else. If you have cleaned up, that is great but what gives you the right to be smug and all knowing when it comes to other peoples issues? Everybody is different, you can't just group us all into the same little junky stereotype. I think maybe there is only one thing most everybody in common, nobody likes a know-it-all! Keep that in mind.
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