Some replies and other heart felt emotinal crap better left unsaid

I give real good advice that I can never follow myself, ha. I say I hate ppl and I do, but on the other hand...I have alot of empathy. More than I would like to.I say alot of things as a way of self preservation. Hating ppl is a way to protect myself. Acting out in an aggressive way is also protection. I feel the need to keep most ppl at a distance. hell i have learned through experience that it is imperative to keep most ppl away.And saying this to the world is making me very vulnerable. I am alot meaner on the outside than I really am. Plus I understand ppl way better than they understand themselves. This is not always a good thing. IDK where all that just came from. Except that I am much happier not letting most ppl in because most ppl will only hurt you and use you. Even if they don't mean too. It's all what most ppl are taught, it is what the world has come to.anyhoo...

Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.


Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.

anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*

anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.

The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.

I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.

Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...

WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.

EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.

Nothing

another pic fer ya dawg lovers, this is chuy the chihuahua



This week has ben pretty well boring. Got to eat some hydros monday night but that's cutting it a little too close for probation. I haven't been tested in a year and half but you never know. And as soon as I let my guard down that is when they will hit me with it. Hopefully I will get to do a big fat coke shot tomorrow but I ain't holding my breath, it never happens when I count on it.

I love it when I think we aren't getting anything for awhile and my bf walks in with a fat bag and just throws it down in front of me. So anyhoo, my week has been uneventful, which isn't half bad. After the life I have had, quiet and boring can sometimes be a welcome reprieve from the madness.

Our good friend C has just moved out of Seattle to a little area right outside of the city. He sucks! We are going up to visit when I get off house arrest and I was hoping to be able to stay right in the city. Oh well, we won't be too far away. We are going to check the place out as we are thinking about moving there. We can both make alot more money and I have always wanted to live in a large city that is not New York.

My big highlight for the week is my jewelry order which should be here today. So my ears and septum will be stretched by Monday. I am now thinking of going ahead and stretching to 1 inch.

So thats it, nothing exciting to report.

and anonymous who asked about my dog...she is a chihuahua and dachshound mix. Not quite big enough to be a whippet. I love whippets though. We had a very cute pair that came into the clinic I worked at. Their owner was neurotic though which made the dogs freaky too.

The coke talk

Shelley you referred to the "robot voice" that is sooo funny because I always called it robot sounds or robot noise. For awhile I was getting good shots but I wasn't hearing "the bells" anymore. then last weekend I did a huge shot and bam! there went them bells. That shot was sooo intense I stripped off my clothes and jumped in a cold shower for a minute. it was kind of funny but a little scary too. I know you guys know those shots. The real good ones that take you to the edge, they are soo good but for a minute you feel like it may be too much and it gets scary for about 30 seconds or so.

About two years ago we had a real bad coke habit. using about 5 days a week. I would be up for 3 days and thought it was only about 24 hours. Luckily I never had seizures or cocaine psychosis. I don't know how cause the shit we got was/is GOOD. But your right it does get so tiring and you do get stuck. Everytime we get coke to shoot we end up in the bathroom for hours until the shit and the money is gone. Thats why we can use every once in awhile but we really got to have to will power to say ok, no more for awhile. We like to keep it down to once, MAYBE twice a month on a friday or saturday night.

I definetly prefer opiates. I can still function and get stuff done. As a matter of fact it makes me want to get up and clean and do what I have to do. But we don't know anyone around here that can get dope anymore. And I have a few pill connects but thats never a sure thing. I can usually only find stuff a couple weekends a month.(I can only use on the weekends right now because I have to be clean by friday morn to check in with my po). So the only thing I can ever get for sure is coke.

Like I keep sayin, I really got to get new connects. After I get off house arrest I should be able to do that. Right now I have to rely on my boyfriend to get anything for me and unless he is doing it too, he is really half assed about finding me shit. Which pisses me off, because god forbid he be without his weed, he whines and bitches waaaay worse then me. And he smokes all day everyday, all I get is pills and coke like twice a month, pills maybe 3 times a month. And he has the right to throw a fit when I get pissy about not having my shit!? Oh hell no.

And Melody, I know how the selective memory thing gets ya. I used to be that way too. But when you hit my age (32), you just feel too old to keep playing that game all the time. If I was still in my twenties, especially early twenties, there would be no stopping me. Fuck that. But now it takes longer to reover. I remember I could do a shitload of lsd, sleep for an hour and go to work and be good enough to make it through the day. Now it takes me two days to recover. You body just really starts to get worn out. I don't consider myself old or anything but there is a definite difference in how it makes me feel the next day, how long it takes me to not feel like shit and completely recover than when I was younger.

And fucking methadone is evil. I can't believe that shit is legal, it's crazy. I can't imagine what you went through kicking that shit in jail girl. Damn. Thats just fucked up.

answers part two and some other random sleepy rabmlings

Shelley-EXACTLY, I was noticing that whatever you do they hate, whether you are doing good or bad. Its so ridiculous.
I personally am not looking for support. All that came after reading someone elses blog and anon was talking shit about her dead mother that shit just aint right at all. Don't speak ill of the dead no matter how they lived their life. This girl just seemed like she could use people who will support her when she is doing good. I dont mind ppl hating me but I always feel so protective over other broken souls. I always feel the need to try and save the other lost ones. IDK cause that usually ends up with me being taken advantage of.
And please continue to speak your mind :)
you posted pics of your pops squirrel here is my bf's pet squirrel Mary Jane Sweets
Damn it takes pics FOREVER to upload on this bitch
ok so the pic is up there, lol. I have no idea how to work this blog yet.



So probation was short n sweet. Now the man is going on the hunt to get me high. But it looks like no one has pills, just my fuckin luck. bitches. I have been up since 10 pm last night. I work at night while the kids are in bed and I usually go to sleep by 8am.

In exciting news my jewelry order will be here very soon. I am stretching my lobes to 5'8". I got these badass plugs with floating skulls. I have some ebont plugs coming a new septum pincher that is purple and green, HAWT. Next on the list is some opalite plugs. And if I can refrain from buying any coke for awhile then I can afford to splurge on some more plugs. Then it all goes for school supplies, the kids will be back in school next month. YAY because they are starting to pick at each other all the time. They are getting bored with summer activities. Swimming and games are getting old. They have been to the beach a million times too. I am going to be the mother of a teenager come August, I cannot wrap my mind around that one.

Answers

Shelley hun you tend to seriously misunderstand me. I never said that it is anyones fault that we use. My meaning was that sometimes ppl could use support instead of being yelled and told they are a piece of shit. Especially if they are trying to get clean. And that ignoramt ppl just make this world worse- that is the short version of what I was trying to get across. I really don't feel like trying to explain myself again.

Secondly I dont care what ppl say about ME. I was not referring to MY OWN comments. I was referring to the comments ppl make on some of the other blogs I read. As a matter of fact I said that. There are some ppl I read on here who just need someone to say that they support them. My heart goes out to these girls and I want these assholes to know how ignorant they are and how much they fuck up the world. I have always had a habit of feeling like I have to stick up for other ppl.

And I like answering comments so if anonymous is going to leave some ignorance I am going to give my opinion on it. But like I said, I dont like to see them being mean to some of the other girls I read.

Libby- thats exactly right.