Nothing new

Well there is nothing much going on. Staying drug free, focusing on getting my kids adjusted to a new school year. I will be submitting my letter to the judge for early term proably next week, they will review my file and set a hearing date. I hate going in to court and I am a bit nervous. But if they deny me I will only have 6 more months to go. I have already done almost a year and half so...

Decided to just sell the beamer. Not really my style. It needed a lil body work so my husband and the new guy busted it out and flipped it for a nice price. We have a few possible hurricanes a brewin. One is supposed to pass us by but the other looks like it may hit. I hope not. 2004 was bad for hurricanes here. A tree fell on our house. I may get a few hydros or a morphine pill this weekend but if not...no biggie. But it would be nice to have a lil something.

And thats it, nothing really new and exciting much. I was having major pill cravings but they have subsided. I update my LJ alot morethan here if anyone is on there and wants to friend. I just like LJ alot more. I love all the communities, I have made alot of friends which is hard for me even over the internet. But if anything good and juicy comes up I will be sure to let ya know.

Shut up

i am in an irritated mood atm so this will be a short update.

second weekend with no coke. yay! haven't even craved it. and all i took was a couple hydros. don't even feel like getting anymore atm.

before you anons post comments, feel free to ask me questions. sometimes ppl make assumptions in their comments. i hate assumptions, altho i am guilty of it too sometimes. i try not to do it. i will answer you honestly, i have nothing to lose. not like any of you think much of me anyways. but at least it will help you make more intelligent comments (i know it IS a stretch in hoping that will happen, haahaa).

edit: someone said i mock and ignore criticism-here was my reply-"ps, of course i mock and ignore criticism. first of all, the anons just want to spew insults. none of you have bothered to try giving constructive criticism. secondly, i dont even know who these ppl are. do you take criticism from ppl you dont even know? i mean how smart would that be, you cant even leave your name yet you expect me to take your criticism, how ridiculous is that. i mean come on seriously?
if one of you tried to talk to me like an adult without insults thrown in than maybe i would take you more seriously.
no one is going to listen to someone who just sits there and puts them down."

thats it nothing too exciting, oh cept i got a new car, yay. well actually not too yay. its an older BMW. i am NOT a beamer type of girl. altho, i did have a dream about getting one like a year ago. it's in good condition overall. i really want a transam '71-'75 year model. my bf's buisness is really picking up. he hired a guy who does mechanic work so he can take on some jobs he did not feel comfortable doing on his own. he is an excellent welder but has not done alot of car work previously. the new guy is real nice and a good worked so far. been with us now for almost 3 weeks.

Chairman of the bored

I am so bored right now. There is nothing on T.V., I have done all I feel like doing on the internet. There is a stupid tropical storm, which might turn into a mild hurricane, on the way. I have been through MUCH worse. I just have to drag some plants in.

So I am pretty proud of us. No coke this weekend, didn't even fiend for it. I just know it is not an option. So for now there is no point pining over it. I had a few pills left over from last weekend, but we didn't buy anything. Our connect stopped by to say "hi". He meets his dude right by the house. But he didn't bug us to get anything which is cool cause he usally does. My bf must have had a talk with him about it. Usually we SAY we are gonna leave it alone and then as soon as he drops in that goes out the window. But not this time.

The kids started back to school, thank gawd. They were starting to pick at each other, which they do at the same time each year right before school starts. Letting me know they are ready to go back.

I wrote my letter to the judge. My mother in law is polishing it up for me. Then my bf will hand deliver it to the judge this week for a hearing date. Wish me luck! They are proably just going to convert me to regular probation for the remainder. Which is giving me just enough rope... but that's not an option this time. This time it will be prison. But it won't come to that. I know myself too well. You know what's funny. I have really good intuition. Sometimes I can just feel things and I know something bad is going to happen yet I still keep on going in that direction. Stupid huh? Well at least you can't say I am not focused and determined. I have learned to start trusting my instincts more now. Anyways, enough with the mystical psychic shit. lol I don't think I am psychic in any way. I think this is a natural part of every human being. It is just whether or not you are open to it.

Other than all that boring crap there is absolutely nothing new and exciting to report as of yet. And honestly I hope it stays that way for a bit.

Flying Douchebags

For some reason lately I have been craving weed. I haven't smoked for the most part of 4 years and it hasn't really bothered me. What got me started on it was one night coming down off coke. I didn't have anything else, my bf was smoking and I really wished I could have. But this has happened before so IDK what the sudden interest is. I used to have dreams about it. I would "accidentally" smoke, forgetting I was on probation and I would wake up freaking out trying to figure out if it was real.

I have 18 hydros sitting in front of me. I am achy, chilly, sneezy and have a sore throat and can't take em. Isn't that about a bitch, haahaa. Oh well, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I know what I am getting into and still choose to do it. So suffer away I will.

I have a new guilty pleasure. I know, I KNOW, it's really lame but... I like watching reruns of the old 90210. I didn't even watch that shit when it first came out. But for some reason I love to watch it now and sit there and bitch about how fucking stupid it is.

Oh and my bf is being a fucking total douchebag the last few days. I let him get away with it every now and then, get it out of his system. But he is pushing it. He is also bringing up a bunch of crap. Maybe I will explain all that one day, but it is alot and I have no patience so I will proably have to break it up into chapters or something, lol. For now, just know that he is a taurus and even when he knows he is wrong, will not admit it. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate ppl who can't admit their faults an mistakes. Anyways, I'm bored. cya.

Pull down the sheets, take of your clothes, get out of bed, I'm so tired

"In every step I hear your sobbing, dare I break the shade with one caress? dare I trespass to lift the veil, to touch the lips so soft and frail?"

So my class yesterday went sooo much better than expected. It was actually insightful and not a bunch of the same mundane propagnda. I have always liked the counselors there. They restored my faith in counseling, which I previously thought was all crap. Most of it still is. I was a bit shy at first but got over it quickly. Of course my last shot of coke was two hours before (let the self righteous comments from the disillusioned fly, we all know how PERFECT you think you are *wink wink* ) going so I was proably dead tired and didn't give a fuck about having anxiety. haahaa. But really I think blogging about beforehand made a difference. That and I was broked in by the previous class. There was also a few ppl that I know from probation and the other class.

Oh and here is something else for the self rightgeous to have a feild day with. When we go on a night of pretty hardcore coke binging. I always feel guilty because of my kids. If I just do a shot or two and then go to bed and go on with life it doesn't bother me. But friday we binged like we have not for awhile and saturday I felt guilty. It has happened before but when the call comes it is so hard to resist. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. The problem is sometimes my bf (sometimes it is me, we switch up). On the times when I say no he wants it. And I can never talk him out of it. If I want and he says no then we don't (usually)cause I listen to his rationalities. Sometimes he will give in. But it takes both of us to say no we can't and be strong together. I think it is fine to party on occasion but I think we are letting it spiral and it needs to be stopped. We talked about this today. So we shall see, no no, we HAVE to do this.

We were good last night and did not get any coke or anything else. Step in the right direction no matter how small. Now we will see how good we do friday. We don't have a choice at this point. We have to stop spending money on coke. Before it gets out of hand. Actually I told him if I could just get pils every now and then I am happy with that. Coke is our downfall and I have no problem leaving alone as long as it is out of sight. When our connect went to jail, it was a god send. And now he is back. He rings all three phones and if we don't answer he comes to the house and offers freebies. If we can out him off for two weekends then he will start to leave us alone. IDK. I'm bored with writing now. more later.

Amen

Self-responsibility, Reason, and Common Sense, the ultimate enemies of organized religion.
-the sick life May 2005

http://thesicklife.wordpress.com/2005/05/17/electric-morphine-asshole-fest/

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution - then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."
ALDOUS HUXLEY

anonymous- go educate yourselves
http://www.opioids.com/

Some replies and other heart felt emotinal crap better left unsaid

I give real good advice that I can never follow myself, ha. I say I hate ppl and I do, but on the other hand...I have alot of empathy. More than I would like to.I say alot of things as a way of self preservation. Hating ppl is a way to protect myself. Acting out in an aggressive way is also protection. I feel the need to keep most ppl at a distance. hell i have learned through experience that it is imperative to keep most ppl away.And saying this to the world is making me very vulnerable. I am alot meaner on the outside than I really am. Plus I understand ppl way better than they understand themselves. This is not always a good thing. IDK where all that just came from. Except that I am much happier not letting most ppl in because most ppl will only hurt you and use you. Even if they don't mean too. It's all what most ppl are taught, it is what the world has come to.anyhoo...

Coke addiction- glad someone relates, cept I don't think I write all that well.


Skillz- you are very right. I do not care to make anymore friends myself either. I have some very good friends. I would rather have a few good ones than many superficial ones.

anon1- I never said we were the shit or that it meant much, I just said that is the way some ppl percieved us. Yeah we were a bunch of fucked up misfits, so what. I am glad your so perfect, must be quite lovely for you, keep up the good work. But personally I think your time would be better spent maybe showing others how to be as perfect as you instead of wasting it hating others. I am happy that I get to make you feel so superior and special though, does a heart good to know that I can do that for you. *big smiles* wink wink*

anon2- I am not miserable. I used to be. I am quite happy compared to before , I just get nervous speaking in front of ppl I don't know. And yes, I snow myself quite often, proably more that I wish to realize. I am quite good at it actually. I am good at fooling alot of ppl including myself. And I do wish the girls who actually get clean all the best. I know what I did was shitty but hey, that's me. I was not exactly bragging (well maybe a lil) as much as being honest about my faults because it does help me learn more about myself.

The mistakes I make, I don't let them drag me down. I try to take them and turn them around and maybe not repeat them. I did have a very good counselor there for awhile who helped me work on some things and it did change my life immensely. But I am still always going to use drugs until I decide that I do not want to. I can still be a good person despite this fact and maybe at times because of it. I am not perfect and in no way wish to be. If I am perfect then I will stop learning. If I did not do and experience all that I have, I would be a very different person. Sometimes, shitty choices and shitty ways of living can make a person better through those experiences. Almost everyone snows themselves at some point or another, I think it is necessary sometimes. Wow, I just realized I totally stopped writing this as a reply and more to myself. Thta's what I love about journaling. Things come out of the recesses of my mind that I push away or do not have time to think of otherwise. That's what is good about all the feedback too. Makes me think, challenges me. I have missed that being cooped up on house arrest with not many ppl to converse with.

I love all my comments good and bad. The bad ones serve to make me think about things and gives the ol brain muscle a needed exercise. The good ones are encouraging, so thank you everyone.

Wow I let a lot of shit out that I normally would never tell strangers. And you know what? I feel strangley peaceful for doing so. hmmm...

WARNING: random boring crap ahead...
I am sitting pretty on some hydros. I got a new king size bed that is soooo comfy and a new puter desk. But I have a butt load of cleaning to get done today. I have to find a place for all the crap I had piled on the old desk. Anyhoo enough with the boring crap. Off to be productive.

EDIT: getting fucked up is NOT one of my mistakes, it is a fun past time.

I hate making up titles

Man this week went by FAST. I cannot believe it is fucking thursday already. I got a megaload of shit done yesterday despite the fact that I said I was gonna be lazy. And now friday is rolling around and I get to take some roxi's tomorrow. I also get to go take that bullshit class saturday and get it out of the way. I feel damn good. Like things are coming together. Even though half the house is an utter disaster area. But that's because we are gutting some things and doing some "spring cleaning". But it's all half done and won't take much more to finish. Especially when I get some pills in me.

Now I have to catch up on my character blogs. I have an adult baby mommy, adult baby girl, a furry/sci-fi chick, a submissive slut then I blog for a mistress and a college slut. My boyfriend also takes calls on occassion so I blog his character too. Sometimes I seriously run out of ideas and have to puruse porn sites to get the ol brain kicking. My job is SOOO horrible. heheh Oh and for a bit o' cuteness some kittnes.

Nothing

another pic fer ya dawg lovers, this is chuy the chihuahua



This week has ben pretty well boring. Got to eat some hydros monday night but that's cutting it a little too close for probation. I haven't been tested in a year and half but you never know. And as soon as I let my guard down that is when they will hit me with it. Hopefully I will get to do a big fat coke shot tomorrow but I ain't holding my breath, it never happens when I count on it.

I love it when I think we aren't getting anything for awhile and my bf walks in with a fat bag and just throws it down in front of me. So anyhoo, my week has been uneventful, which isn't half bad. After the life I have had, quiet and boring can sometimes be a welcome reprieve from the madness.

Our good friend C has just moved out of Seattle to a little area right outside of the city. He sucks! We are going up to visit when I get off house arrest and I was hoping to be able to stay right in the city. Oh well, we won't be too far away. We are going to check the place out as we are thinking about moving there. We can both make alot more money and I have always wanted to live in a large city that is not New York.

My big highlight for the week is my jewelry order which should be here today. So my ears and septum will be stretched by Monday. I am now thinking of going ahead and stretching to 1 inch.

So thats it, nothing exciting to report.

and anonymous who asked about my dog...she is a chihuahua and dachshound mix. Not quite big enough to be a whippet. I love whippets though. We had a very cute pair that came into the clinic I worked at. Their owner was neurotic though which made the dogs freaky too.

answers part two and some other random sleepy rabmlings

Shelley-EXACTLY, I was noticing that whatever you do they hate, whether you are doing good or bad. Its so ridiculous.
I personally am not looking for support. All that came after reading someone elses blog and anon was talking shit about her dead mother that shit just aint right at all. Don't speak ill of the dead no matter how they lived their life. This girl just seemed like she could use people who will support her when she is doing good. I dont mind ppl hating me but I always feel so protective over other broken souls. I always feel the need to try and save the other lost ones. IDK cause that usually ends up with me being taken advantage of.
And please continue to speak your mind :)
you posted pics of your pops squirrel here is my bf's pet squirrel Mary Jane Sweets
Damn it takes pics FOREVER to upload on this bitch
ok so the pic is up there, lol. I have no idea how to work this blog yet.



So probation was short n sweet. Now the man is going on the hunt to get me high. But it looks like no one has pills, just my fuckin luck. bitches. I have been up since 10 pm last night. I work at night while the kids are in bed and I usually go to sleep by 8am.

In exciting news my jewelry order will be here very soon. I am stretching my lobes to 5'8". I got these badass plugs with floating skulls. I have some ebont plugs coming a new septum pincher that is purple and green, HAWT. Next on the list is some opalite plugs. And if I can refrain from buying any coke for awhile then I can afford to splurge on some more plugs. Then it all goes for school supplies, the kids will be back in school next month. YAY because they are starting to pick at each other all the time. They are getting bored with summer activities. Swimming and games are getting old. They have been to the beach a million times too. I am going to be the mother of a teenager come August, I cannot wrap my mind around that one.