"In every step I hear your sobbing, dare I break the shade with one caress? dare I trespass to lift the veil, to touch the lips so soft and frail?"
So my class yesterday went sooo much better than expected. It was actually insightful and not a bunch of the same mundane propagnda. I have always liked the counselors there. They restored my faith in counseling, which I previously thought was all crap. Most of it still is. I was a bit shy at first but got over it quickly. Of course my last shot of coke was two hours before (let the self righteous comments from the disillusioned fly, we all know how PERFECT you think you are *wink wink* ) going so I was proably dead tired and didn't give a fuck about having anxiety. haahaa. But really I think blogging about beforehand made a difference. That and I was broked in by the previous class. There was also a few ppl that I know from probation and the other class.
Oh and here is something else for the self rightgeous to have a feild day with. When we go on a night of pretty hardcore coke binging. I always feel guilty because of my kids. If I just do a shot or two and then go to bed and go on with life it doesn't bother me. But friday we binged like we have not for awhile and saturday I felt guilty. It has happened before but when the call comes it is so hard to resist. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. The problem is sometimes my bf (sometimes it is me, we switch up). On the times when I say no he wants it. And I can never talk him out of it. If I want and he says no then we don't (usually)cause I listen to his rationalities. Sometimes he will give in. But it takes both of us to say no we can't and be strong together. I think it is fine to party on occasion but I think we are letting it spiral and it needs to be stopped. We talked about this today. So we shall see, no no, we HAVE to do this.
We were good last night and did not get any coke or anything else. Step in the right direction no matter how small. Now we will see how good we do friday. We don't have a choice at this point. We have to stop spending money on coke. Before it gets out of hand. Actually I told him if I could just get pils every now and then I am happy with that. Coke is our downfall and I have no problem leaving alone as long as it is out of sight. When our connect went to jail, it was a god send. And now he is back. He rings all three phones and if we don't answer he comes to the house and offers freebies. If we can out him off for two weekends then he will start to leave us alone. IDK. I'm bored with writing now. more later.
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4 comments:
That's exactly how it is here with ML and I. There's no stopping me once it's in front of me. If you find a good way to keep it to a minimum without letting it spiral outta control, please let me know! Some people swear that stopping completely is the only way to do it (attended some NA meetings when I was in FL), but I refuse to believe it (although I'm probably wrong!).
oh I know plenty of ppl who do it as purely recreation. i have quite a few friends that heavily indulged when they were younger and now just dabble. however I am the Queen of excess.
Try not buying a lot. You know you're going to keep going until it's gone, so only buy a gram or two, and only do it at certain times, like maybe every other weekend after 8pm. I dunno, I used to do coke every single day of my life until I had seizures. Then I did a couple shots some weekends.
The only thing that ever really worked for me with the blow is having someone who wasnt getting high hold onto it during the party. That type of person is very hard to find though- someone who doesn't mind what you're doing and wants to hang out during, but doesn't want to have a taste. When I first got with my bf, he liked to party with me and sometimes other folks so we'd each put in half the money for the coke and he'd hold onto it and dole out the shots so I didn't get myslef completely retarded with it. But at the same time he used to do coke so he understands that sometimes I can't wait any longer for a hit! But as I said, good luck finding someone like that- most people will either get high with you (and then you can't trust them with your shit) or get pissed at you asking for a shot and throw the bag down and walk out (would you sit there watching people stick themselves and get stuck if you didn't do it yourself?).
Good luck with that anyways. I can handle a daily heroin habit easy, but a daily coke habit takes everything I've got. Stopping completely may not be the only way, but it's the only way for crazies like me.
I hear you. I feel like ass today.
Don't we all need some relief?? I am not sure how to get it.
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