So, I have social anxiety. When I was a kid, I never talked to anyone. Just gave one word answers. I have never really been able to talk in front of people. I just feel stupid. I am so articulate in my head, but it never comes out that way because I get so nervous. And I have a lisp. My lisp is pretty much unnoticable to others but it fucks with my head. My bf is a social butterfly and this has helped me through the years to come out of my shell, at least with our good friends. Of course drugs and alcohol have helped immensly. I used to always have to start drinking or take some pills before going somewhere. They helped me feel confident and be more talkative. Now I just like being high, going out or not. Fuck it.
The funny thing is, as shy as I am. I was always the girl in the club everyone wanted to hang with or get close to. I have no fucking idea why. Everyone thought I was the shit. My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene, not me. I just tagged along and knew how to dress, lol. But even with our close knit group of friends I was always the one they wanted to come out with. IDK, I never got it. I always felt stupid.
Where I am going with all this is saturday. And that godforsaken class I have to go too. I went to this place for outpatient-court ordered rehab and got quite comfortable with the counselors and the girls I had group with. I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean. What a joke, they even asked me to come back and talk to the future addicts who would come through.
So I have to go to this class and I will have to talk. Since being on house arrest, it has really set me back in the social anxiety department. I am rarely around anyone anymore. And when I am, we are usually high. And when I went to the last class there in June, I had to speak to the class. They are big on making you do that shit, even though they know how much it kills me to speak in front of a large group I don't know. So last time I almost shook to pieces and my voice was even shaky and I know it was noticeable. Oh well, I have been through worse. The counselor really needs to see me doing well as she will be going to court with me when I ask for early release. So I will go and show my glowing face and tell her how grand it is to be clean. Then come home and hopefully take some opi pills.
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6 comments:
Wow, the way you describe your social issues sounds EXACTLY like me. I don't even really like to talk very much. I feel "stupid" too - kind of like I'm being phony, even though I'm actually not. It's very strange. I MUCH prefer written communication (and it sounds like you do too, judging by your blog & job). I really think that this "shyness" makes us better writers. I'm a songwriter myself, and that's where all my energy goes. Talking is SO overrated! I think one of the best inventions in recent history is the text message, lol! Oh, and by the way, ROFL about you shooting up before telling people how good it feels to be clean! That is some classic shit! :P
Yo homegirl dont let that shit get to you. You talk, be you and if people dont like you then FUCK EM!
Code I live by, the way I look at it is I dont really care for people anyway so I really dont find myself needing or wanting any new friends.
The friends i have i been had and I love em and would die for em.
Shooting up in the bathroom right before talking I LOVEEE IT! LMFAO Im sorry i thought it was funny and sounds something like what i would do, only i would pass out in the bathroom and they would have to bang the door down....:P
"My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene."
Being the "it" group of a misfit crowd that are so uncomfortable with themselves that they have to mask themleves like sheep with the same clothes, make-up, etc. to hide themselves from the world doesn't mean much.
I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean.
Yeah, so? That means shit to them. The ones getting clean will be the ones with the better life while the ones shooting up in the bathroom becasue they are too scared to speak in public will continue their misery. You only snowed yourself.
Um, I agree with skillz, just be yourself and fuck what folks think. Sometimes it helps to talk as if you're talking to one person in the audience just focus in on them and forget about the other folks.
And to anon @930am: you gotta do what you gotta do on probation, if you're not ready to quit getting high every cop in the world can't convince you otherwise or force you to do anything long-lasting. Seems she is doing what she can to preserve her "normal life" while staying out of trouble. What's wrong with that exactly?
Sorry carrion doll, some things piss me off (no matter who they are said to) because they are so asinine. :)
it's ok shelley, i really like you and it makes me feel good when ppl i like stick up for me. especially since anyone rarely does.
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