I don't like to talk

So, I have social anxiety. When I was a kid, I never talked to anyone. Just gave one word answers. I have never really been able to talk in front of people. I just feel stupid. I am so articulate in my head, but it never comes out that way because I get so nervous. And I have a lisp. My lisp is pretty much unnoticable to others but it fucks with my head. My bf is a social butterfly and this has helped me through the years to come out of my shell, at least with our good friends. Of course drugs and alcohol have helped immensly. I used to always have to start drinking or take some pills before going somewhere. They helped me feel confident and be more talkative. Now I just like being high, going out or not. Fuck it.

The funny thing is, as shy as I am. I was always the girl in the club everyone wanted to hang with or get close to. I have no fucking idea why. Everyone thought I was the shit. My group of friends were the "it" crowd of the punk/goth scene, not me. I just tagged along and knew how to dress, lol. But even with our close knit group of friends I was always the one they wanted to come out with. IDK, I never got it. I always felt stupid.

Where I am going with all this is saturday. And that godforsaken class I have to go too. I went to this place for outpatient-court ordered rehab and got quite comfortable with the counselors and the girls I had group with. I had them so snowed though. I shot up in the bathroom 10 minutes before I gave my graduation talk about how my life was so screwed from drugs and how good I was doing since I got clean. What a joke, they even asked me to come back and talk to the future addicts who would come through.

So I have to go to this class and I will have to talk. Since being on house arrest, it has really set me back in the social anxiety department. I am rarely around anyone anymore. And when I am, we are usually high. And when I went to the last class there in June, I had to speak to the class. They are big on making you do that shit, even though they know how much it kills me to speak in front of a large group I don't know. So last time I almost shook to pieces and my voice was even shaky and I know it was noticeable. Oh well, I have been through worse. The counselor really needs to see me doing well as she will be going to court with me when I ask for early release. So I will go and show my glowing face and tell her how grand it is to be clean. Then come home and hopefully take some opi pills.