Nothing

another pic fer ya dawg lovers, this is chuy the chihuahua



This week has ben pretty well boring. Got to eat some hydros monday night but that's cutting it a little too close for probation. I haven't been tested in a year and half but you never know. And as soon as I let my guard down that is when they will hit me with it. Hopefully I will get to do a big fat coke shot tomorrow but I ain't holding my breath, it never happens when I count on it.

I love it when I think we aren't getting anything for awhile and my bf walks in with a fat bag and just throws it down in front of me. So anyhoo, my week has been uneventful, which isn't half bad. After the life I have had, quiet and boring can sometimes be a welcome reprieve from the madness.

Our good friend C has just moved out of Seattle to a little area right outside of the city. He sucks! We are going up to visit when I get off house arrest and I was hoping to be able to stay right in the city. Oh well, we won't be too far away. We are going to check the place out as we are thinking about moving there. We can both make alot more money and I have always wanted to live in a large city that is not New York.

My big highlight for the week is my jewelry order which should be here today. So my ears and septum will be stretched by Monday. I am now thinking of going ahead and stretching to 1 inch.

So thats it, nothing exciting to report.

and anonymous who asked about my dog...she is a chihuahua and dachshound mix. Not quite big enough to be a whippet. I love whippets though. We had a very cute pair that came into the clinic I worked at. Their owner was neurotic though which made the dogs freaky too.

Candy

Tat thehis is a really good movie with the hottness of Heath all up in it. You can watch it for free along with other movies at the link below. You can see movies that aren't even on video yet, Use firefox browser, it works better for this site. Some of the links can be shitty, but overall I love this site.

http://search.playlist.com/

The coke talk

Shelley you referred to the "robot voice" that is sooo funny because I always called it robot sounds or robot noise. For awhile I was getting good shots but I wasn't hearing "the bells" anymore. then last weekend I did a huge shot and bam! there went them bells. That shot was sooo intense I stripped off my clothes and jumped in a cold shower for a minute. it was kind of funny but a little scary too. I know you guys know those shots. The real good ones that take you to the edge, they are soo good but for a minute you feel like it may be too much and it gets scary for about 30 seconds or so.

About two years ago we had a real bad coke habit. using about 5 days a week. I would be up for 3 days and thought it was only about 24 hours. Luckily I never had seizures or cocaine psychosis. I don't know how cause the shit we got was/is GOOD. But your right it does get so tiring and you do get stuck. Everytime we get coke to shoot we end up in the bathroom for hours until the shit and the money is gone. Thats why we can use every once in awhile but we really got to have to will power to say ok, no more for awhile. We like to keep it down to once, MAYBE twice a month on a friday or saturday night.

I definetly prefer opiates. I can still function and get stuff done. As a matter of fact it makes me want to get up and clean and do what I have to do. But we don't know anyone around here that can get dope anymore. And I have a few pill connects but thats never a sure thing. I can usually only find stuff a couple weekends a month.(I can only use on the weekends right now because I have to be clean by friday morn to check in with my po). So the only thing I can ever get for sure is coke.

Like I keep sayin, I really got to get new connects. After I get off house arrest I should be able to do that. Right now I have to rely on my boyfriend to get anything for me and unless he is doing it too, he is really half assed about finding me shit. Which pisses me off, because god forbid he be without his weed, he whines and bitches waaaay worse then me. And he smokes all day everyday, all I get is pills and coke like twice a month, pills maybe 3 times a month. And he has the right to throw a fit when I get pissy about not having my shit!? Oh hell no.

And Melody, I know how the selective memory thing gets ya. I used to be that way too. But when you hit my age (32), you just feel too old to keep playing that game all the time. If I was still in my twenties, especially early twenties, there would be no stopping me. Fuck that. But now it takes longer to reover. I remember I could do a shitload of lsd, sleep for an hour and go to work and be good enough to make it through the day. Now it takes me two days to recover. You body just really starts to get worn out. I don't consider myself old or anything but there is a definite difference in how it makes me feel the next day, how long it takes me to not feel like shit and completely recover than when I was younger.

And fucking methadone is evil. I can't believe that shit is legal, it's crazy. I can't imagine what you went through kicking that shit in jail girl. Damn. Thats just fucked up.

Damned if you do...

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"No one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent"- Eleanor roosevelt


I love famous quotes btw so you will proably be seeing alot of them

Well what do you know

I may have some pills on the way after all. MAYBE. I never count my chickens before they hatch or they will die. But what I noticed is when I thought I wasn't going to get any, I was ok with that. Even though I have whined about it for a few days. I usually get really cranky and miserable at least for the rest of the day after probation if nothing pans out. But I didn't this time. I just said oh well and went about my buisness without another thought when usually I obsess for the rest of the day. hmmm...

I have gone through many addictions over several years. Valium, xanax, weed, alcohol, cocaine, pain pills. It always goes like this. I start taking something, just partying every once in awhile and as usual the addiction grows, consumes. I get really strung out, then something happens and I have to clean up. I stay clean for awhile then I go back to indulging in my fav drug every once in awhile. usually after all this happens, I can use occassionally without getting strung out again. IDK why this is exactly. All I can chalk it up to is what I said in a previous post. I am one of those ppl who learns quickly from her mistakes, most of the time. Not ALL the time. But after going through a really horrible time with a drug, well that stays with me. I can remember well and it keeps me from going overboard again.

Now even though I am feeling confident about having control, who knows, I may be strung out by this time next year. You just never know with me. But I know that I cannot live my life without any kind of mind altering substance. Nor do I want to. Can't and won't, call me what you will. All I can do, is try my best while still trying to enjoy life in the way I am accustomed

The only drug that threatens that is shooting coke. I feel like I have a good hold on that now. But I have to keep in mind that I could easily loose control. As long as I keep that first and foremost in my head then we are peachy. But who knows...

Our main reason for keeping ourselves in check is money. We just don't have enough. We got behind on the bills and had to have my inlaws help us out. So we just can't have that happening anymore. When we were at our worst we never stole from anyone, we never sold our possesions, we never ran scams. If we didn't have any money then we just didn't use.We always joke that if we hit the lottery we would be dead in a month. Really thats not funny but we have always had a very morbid sense of humor. Of course I realize that if we had been using h that proably would have been different. That is a very different drug and the withdrawals are horrendous. I have never detoxed off h but I have off methadone and it was HORRIBLE. I have also detoxed off of painkillers but that wasn't so bad. But the methadone, OMG, so I assume it is very similar. I have never been so sick in my life. And my neck and head hurt so bad I thought I would die. When I was on my painkiller kick my mom used to get methadone from her friend who was prescribed them, she was an old lady that had some sort of accident and they gave her methadone for pain. And my mom was on hydros so I had the major hookup and that was bad, bad, bad for me.

Also my man...he has amazing self control with drugs. he has always been the one to be able to hold onto stuff and be able to put it down and leave it alone when it's time to be done. But when it comes to shooting coke he loses that. Which used to scare me. I thought if he has no control then we are both screwed. But instead of both of us just completely losing it, I have found the strength to have to be the one to say "thats enough" and make it stick. I hate having to be the responsible one or the one in charge usually. But I can always step up if I see no one else will. I can't say it enough and if my friends were here they would say the same. I am not your average person or junkie. But then again what most ppl don't want to realize is junkie are ppl and they are not all the same. Even the ones who may seem to be "typical". I have learned time and again, never make assumptions. the universe is just waiting to prove you wrong.




I love getting all this stuff out of my head. I used to write it in a notebook but I couldn't write fast enough to keep up and would get frustrated. It is just so liberating and the comments really stimulate me to look at my situation from different sides. Sometimes I get stuck in my lil world and it becomes difficult to see from another point of view. Something I used to pride myself on. It is important to be able to do that, sometimes I am doing somthing really stupid or wrong but I just can't see it til someone else shoves the mirror in front of me.

More piccys

This is one of my 5 dogs (all rescues) I love animals in case you can't tell. I still continue to work with two animal rescues that the veterinarian that I used to work for volunteers with.


This is a pic I took for a dreadhead community I am in on Livejournal. When I have no more probation worries I will post my lovely face.


One of my rescue cats just had kittens. She is bling but they came out perfect.






More Mary Jane

okay I won't bore you ith anymore...for now.

answers part two and some other random sleepy rabmlings

Shelley-EXACTLY, I was noticing that whatever you do they hate, whether you are doing good or bad. Its so ridiculous.
I personally am not looking for support. All that came after reading someone elses blog and anon was talking shit about her dead mother that shit just aint right at all. Don't speak ill of the dead no matter how they lived their life. This girl just seemed like she could use people who will support her when she is doing good. I dont mind ppl hating me but I always feel so protective over other broken souls. I always feel the need to try and save the other lost ones. IDK cause that usually ends up with me being taken advantage of.
And please continue to speak your mind :)
you posted pics of your pops squirrel here is my bf's pet squirrel Mary Jane Sweets
Damn it takes pics FOREVER to upload on this bitch
ok so the pic is up there, lol. I have no idea how to work this blog yet.



So probation was short n sweet. Now the man is going on the hunt to get me high. But it looks like no one has pills, just my fuckin luck. bitches. I have been up since 10 pm last night. I work at night while the kids are in bed and I usually go to sleep by 8am.

In exciting news my jewelry order will be here very soon. I am stretching my lobes to 5'8". I got these badass plugs with floating skulls. I have some ebont plugs coming a new septum pincher that is purple and green, HAWT. Next on the list is some opalite plugs. And if I can refrain from buying any coke for awhile then I can afford to splurge on some more plugs. Then it all goes for school supplies, the kids will be back in school next month. YAY because they are starting to pick at each other all the time. They are getting bored with summer activities. Swimming and games are getting old. They have been to the beach a million times too. I am going to be the mother of a teenager come August, I cannot wrap my mind around that one.

Answers

Shelley hun you tend to seriously misunderstand me. I never said that it is anyones fault that we use. My meaning was that sometimes ppl could use support instead of being yelled and told they are a piece of shit. Especially if they are trying to get clean. And that ignoramt ppl just make this world worse- that is the short version of what I was trying to get across. I really don't feel like trying to explain myself again.

Secondly I dont care what ppl say about ME. I was not referring to MY OWN comments. I was referring to the comments ppl make on some of the other blogs I read. As a matter of fact I said that. There are some ppl I read on here who just need someone to say that they support them. My heart goes out to these girls and I want these assholes to know how ignorant they are and how much they fuck up the world. I have always had a habit of feeling like I have to stick up for other ppl.

And I like answering comments so if anonymous is going to leave some ignorance I am going to give my opinion on it. But like I said, I dont like to see them being mean to some of the other girls I read.

Libby- thats exactly right.

Blah fucking day

off to probation and it looks like it may be a sober weekend for me. Which is a good and a bad thing. I wish I could get at least a couple of pills dammit.

Damned if you do...

I like to keep up with alot of blogs. I have always loved reading anything and everything. I especially love reading ppl's experiences and being able to take something away from what they have been through.

In reading some of the blogs that I do, I have noticed something. There is a certain anonymous commenter who just likes to be nasty. I think it is pretty much just one person in particular, some of the time. Anyhoo, it's one thing to not agree with someones life style and you are perfectly free to give your opinion. But no matter what anyone is doing, you just have a nasty attitude.

If the person is falling flat on their face with a needle in their arm then you say- your a fucking piece of shit, kill yourself now. If they are trying to do the right thing and get clean you say- give up, you will never amount to shit, kill yourself now. Or something to that effect.

Now my point with brining this up is, if you ever had a valid point you kill it. The reason there are junkies, pimps, dealers, prostitutes and all alround down trodden addicts that stay that way, it is because of people like you. They may choose to pick the drugs up, but when they choose to put them down there is always someone there to tell them they are shit. And some ppl just can't cope with that. Some ppl need support and someone to praise them. Alot of these ppl have never had any of that.

These ppl were once children, who were never taught how to deal with life, how to cope without drugs or other destructive means. And no one stepped in to help. They were teenagers, who were going down the wrong path in life. And ppl like you spit on them and tell them they will never be anything. They are adults, who need help, who want help and just don't know what to do. And ppl like you stand up and preach but never actually come down off that soap box to lend a hand. Or even just give a few words of support.

Now I am not referring to myself. I don't need your fucking help. I am a strong person who helps herself, even through all my mistakes. I pick up and keep going. But I have seen so many others who could have used it and who would have benefitted from it. I know ppl given the proper treatment and support who would have worked for something better in life. But you were too good. Ppl like you came along and told them they were shit and could never do anything in life and should just die...so they did.

Before you climb back up on that soapbox next time, remember it is people like you who have a helping hand in keeping that junkie cycle running. The blind, the sheep, the ones like you who will follow our government like lemmings. Follow them right off the cliff. And drown in your own self righteousness, greed, vanity, snobbery and anonymity.




Of course if you are just a miserable, ignorant fuck who gets off on downing others to make yourself feel important and worth something then none of this will seep into that shit addled brain of yours.

Just a little something that I had to let fly. Have a wonderful, mind altering night as I leave you with some quotes by Hunter S. Thompson.

"America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable."

My personal favorite as it applys to my life so perfectly-
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. "

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up. "

This one is for MR/MRS holier than thou anonymous person/s
"No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. "

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. "

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."

Comment answers

"That's funny since you're already talking about getting strung out again when you get off probation. No job, shooting coke, being on probation-- yeah, sounds like a great existence. "-

When I was shooting up almost everyday I was working in the clinic. And contary to dumbass belief theere are functional addicts out there, alot of them. Go sit in an NA meeting and listen to some of the stories.
Like I said in another post. I am not your average person, never have been like others. I can do what I want and have fun. I am a very strong minded person. And unlike alot of ppl I have the ability to learn from my mistakes and improve myself. If I do something and fuck up, I look at the situation and see what I gotta do to still have my fun without screing up again, and I always find a way. People can use and be responsible. Maybe not someone like you, that's why you come on here to read about the party girls. Caue you know you can't trust yourself to go and have real fun. Sorry your life sucks for you so you gotta read about mine.

I like whay Melody said in her comment about everyone having their vice. Drugs aren't the only one. ;)


"What part of FL baby?"- Central

And to Melody and Michelle- OMG I used to be soooo bad about that shit. The second we got it, it had to go in my arm. Me and my bf would debate who was gonna go first since I have to boot him too. But after being strung out on that shit and knowing how all that comes with that fells, I guess I just have a better handle on it. Cocaine is a whole different horse than dope when it comes to shooting. Once you start with that shit it's just more, more, more. I know you all know that. We have done really well with just being able to do a little then be done for the night or the weekend. It helps if I got some kind of opi to come down with. So thats why I need a dope connect but no one round here really deals with that shit that we know. But the pills will just have to do for now.
My email addy is undercoverkittie@hellokitty.com if you guys ever wanna write me :)


in other news...fucking felony registration is straight up bullshit. When I registered the first time the guy skipped the DNA swap because ohhh IDK... I am not a child molester or violent offender. My charge is such B.S. Any how, they decided to do it today, that shit aoint right. Also they wanted to know about my parents, my kids and my bf. What the fuck for? I commited crime, the rest of those ppl are none of their goddamn buisness. That whole scene was just fucked. And you tell me Florida isn't a goddamn police state.

Behavin...mostly

lol, so we talked to our coke connect and he is taking a break this weekend too. he just got out of the clink 3 or 4 weeks ago and has gotten fucked up every weekend. So I have my man getting my pills lined up. I have got to find a good dope connect. I just snort the h for now. I have only shot it once and that was tar. I don't like tar and I don't like oxys. Although I will do them on occasion and I used to shoot oxys all the time. But it's that "dirty" kind of high. I like to snort some nice brown or china white. Best fucking high EVER. Too scared to try n boot it yet. Yeah I know I am weird. lol. I will boot screaming coke shots that could evry well put past the point of no return but no h. One reason is I know I will like it too much. Snorting it I can still keep some control. But that shit is good.

So pills only for me. And I am satisified, even happy for that. Which is unusual for me. We may end up getting free coke, that does happen often. But we will put it up for later. Imagine that a junkie who doesn't have to get the shit in her arm as soon as it crosses her palm. The shit we did last weekend we held onto for over a week.

I am not your average person... and I am not your average junkie. So don't even assume you know all about me bitches.

Registration

Tomorrow I have to go and update stuff at the sheriffs office for my registration. I hate doing stuff like this. I always feel like I am going to get arrested. They do that here in Florida, just make some shit up and violate your probation. Not that I haven't done anything wrong, but I haven't done anything they know or can prove. I really need to get out from under this shit. it has been 4 years. When I do get off, I am going to feel like I am doing something wrong everytime I walk out of the house for the first few months. Ahhh well thats what I get for doing something as stupid as I did in Florida, the police state.

Work has been a little slow for the last few days. It always slows down some during the summer. All the pervs are spending their money on vacaion with their familys or their kids are home and they can't get a minute alone in the house to call. Oh well, I am stil making out pretty damn good.

Friday

I was falling asleep earlier but I had to get up and now I don't want to lay back down. It's only friday and I am already sitting on go for friday. After I check in for the week with my p.o. hopefully someone will have some pills. I love eating hydros. So that will consume my mind for the next two nights.

Tomorrow I HAVE to remember to call felony registration. I registered along time ago but my p.o. could not find me. I shoild have walked back to his office and showed him exactly where to look. I just looked myself up the other day. Although they have not updated my info for awhile. So I was supposed to have already called to find out if I need to go up there.

My memory is soo bad, I have recently found out that it is proably due to all the xanax I used to wash down with copious amounts of alcohol. Apparently it really fucks up your memory. Mine is almost completely useless. I can't take xanax anymore, even without alcohol they make me really mean and violent.

We have talked about moving to Seattle after all my probation is done. I really hope we stick to it. I have to get out of the hell that is Florida. It's a fucking police state, it's pedo paradise, it's just fucked and I have always hated it. I have always beed drawn to large cities. I just know we can't stay here. Alot of our friends have gone to the west coast and they love it. I know I would too. Chad can make so much money up there. His buisness is just not doing well here and he is an extremely talented welder. When I go back into veterinary medicine, I can do so much better in a place like Seattle too. And we miss Chris, it would be nice to be there with him.

I'm back

I told you I was a talkative lil shit today. Anyhow, you know how in rehab and NA and all those shit places they tell you that life will be so much better when your sober. They lie. It's different and you are able to handle alot of things in a more appropriate manner than you are after you have been shooting coke for 3 days. But it damn sure aint better. Recently I have found the right balance. To be able to party some weekend and put the shit down when it's time to be a good girl.

But how long is that going to last. i would like it to last til wnenever I feel like I just don't want to do shit anymore, until the day I die. But I do know that when I get off house arrest that may change. Right now the fact that I have to check in every week and can be drug tested at anytime is a big factor. I have to put shit down by a certain day to be clean. So the challenge is keeping that up afterwards. I know I can, but WILL I?

Quikie

I just answered a comment in which someone misunderstood what I meant. I don't always explain myself as well as I would like to . I am not as articulate as I am in my head. Oh well. But for anyone else who may get the wrong idea.

When I talk about things with my mom. It fucked me up in the head for awhile but I have recently come to terms with alot of the shit ana I am much happier for it. But as far as my choices in life. They are MY choices. I get high because I want to, because it feels fan-fucking-tastic. Not because my mom fucked me up, lol. I love when I put the needle and register that blood. Like when I wath intervention and i see ppl shooting. When I see that bllod my stomach gets all tight and I get antsy. I think they may be one of the more beautiful sights in the known universe. And I have a thing for hydrocodones to. Love the way they make me feel, love the energy, just the whole goddamn high is great.

I didn't put a needle in my arm til I was 28 years old. I was scared to even try coke til I was 22. All I did in my teens was alot of acid and weed. If I was gonna use over my childhood, I should have started with the heavy shit at 14. So that's it, just wanted to make that clear.

And Shelley, much love girl. You speak your mind and I have to fucking respect that. You don't bash, your not rude, you just tell the truth. And that's something you rarely find in people. And those are the comments I love even if someone doesn't agree with me. :)

Super hero sex

I am just a talkative thing today. So I just wanted to tell you about my superhero call. A guy came into the chatroom for the phonesex website I work for. Now I have to be real elusive and careful with what I post about work on here. I post way more on my Livejournal account because I keep that friends only and I know who is reading it. But on here I can't do that.

So anyhoo, I was in chat and a guy comes in who has a superhero fantasy. I have never had that one before, lol. Shit I wish I could get more into it but I can't chance someone coming across this blog and recognizing it and ratting me out to my boss. I love the company I work for and want to stay with them.

Now when it comes to the more general fetishes, I will be more than happy to share details. Brcause alot of calls are a dime a dozen, even the sick ones. Like I have this one guy. From England who can talk about scat play for 3 or 4 fucking hours. Sometimes I have to actually hold the phone away and gag. There is something with English guys and shit cause I have a few more regulars who are from England who are into scat.

As fucked up as I may be. I am still smarter and better than most. haahaa. fuck you.

5 am

I can't sleep anymore. I am usually just logging off work and going to bed at this time but I went to sleep early. I am trying to change my schedule around. Maybe I can get some of the things on our list done around the house. I really need to get our bedroom taken apart so we can remodel it. When we bought the house all I did in that room was paint. The house was built in '64 and had alot of the original stuff so we have spent the last 5 years going through and pretty much fixing up a little at a time. I really want wood floors. But the bedroom needs a fresh coat of paint and we are thinking about making that a home office. The kids like to stay in the same room, which is odd. You would figure they would want their own rooms. Of course I know what will happen. We will get the office set up and make our bedroom in the spare room and then they will want to seperate, lol.

So I know this has been a most boring post. But the point of it was to show people that some addicts have a normal functional part of life. I may shoot coke once or twice a month for a night, I may have tattoos and piercings and dreads, I may be a freak and a junkie in some peoples eyes. But I am still a person, a mother, a wife (of sorts, 10 uear relationship). I like to party and I have let that party spiral out of control sometimes. I have made huge mistakes. But I try to learn from that.

When people hear junkie they get an image in their mind and they get stuck on it. We are not all like that, and the ones that seem to be, well maybe everything isn't the way it seems. Maybe there is alot more then what you see or think you see. Next time you look at that junkie, remember she/he is a person. She/he has proably been through some serious shit in life that has driven her/him there to be used and abused some more. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that the roll of the dice didn't throw you there. Cause it very well could have. Maybe instead of being like the rest of the assholes in the world and treating her/him like shit, you should be the one that is different and lend some support.

Some of the other girls blog I read on here... people are so mean in their comments. Honset feedback is one thing and being just plain rude to make yourself feel good is another.That is part of why I started this one. I welcome the comments of the ignorant. It will give me and my man a good laugh at some of the lame motherfuckers out there. Because I see what is behind your comments. ;) And maybe for the people who are halfway decent and want to learn something in life, it will give you a new perspective, a little understanding. At the very least it gives me somewhere to vent and spill my guts.

IDK, I have always felt very protective of the down-trodden, the outcasts, misfits, junkies, lost souls and those who just live outside the norm. Say what you want to me. I keep in mind that I don't know these people anymore than they know me. The person on the other end of that comment could very well be the preacher who fucks his own daughter while telling me and everyone else how fucked up they are. I see right through hypocrisy bitches. But if you are giving me honest feedback and not here to just make nasty comments, I welcome that, even if it's not what I want to hear. Life is nothing if you are not constantly taking something away from your experiences and trying to learn from it and other peoples as well.

My point is, it is far to easy for people to sit and judge someone else. Alot of the time it is to make them feel better about their own miserable experience or the fact that they don't have any balls. Whatever the reason, you really have no right and you are inviting bad karma. Try some compassion and understanding or at least be open to learn something from other peoples experiences. Closed minded ,uptight people are always so miserable. Go smoke a fucking joint, lol.

Anyhow, I shall climb down off of my soapbox now. This has been quite enough preaching to a bunch of sheep who are incapable of learning shit. I have wasted enough time on the fucking ignorant people of the world. I hate people, they suck.

side note: idk if I already cleared this up. the term junkie/junky means something different to alot of ppl. i know the actual use of the term comes from heroin being called junk. but to me any intravenous drug user is a junkie and i prefer the ie spelling to the y. idk why that is, it just looks more purdy.

International Drug User Remeberance Day

Today is the day to remember those no longer with us. My mother is not dead, but she may as well be. I wait for that call. The one where they ask me to ID her body which I will proably hardly recognize. The following is a VERY condensed version of things. I would be here for weeks trying to write it all down.

I used to carry alot of guilt for turning my back on her when I use also. But contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a responsible drug user and I am one. Functional addicts, the ones who go to work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are cared for.

Anyhow, back to her. No matter what, I always loved my mother. She bought me tons of toys, all the pretty dresses and anything else I wanted. But all I wanted was her love and attention which I rarely got. I also never got her recognition. I only ever wanted her to acknowledge, just once, everything she subjected me to and maybe even say she was sorry, I could forgive it all. That was hard to let go of. Then I had to deal with the guilt of turning my back on her, feeling as if there was no other way.

She eventually got so bad that she burned down my grandmothers house nodding out. She woke up to a small fire on the bed, threw some water on it and went back to sleep. She woke up again to a lady screaming and beating on the door. I had alot of sentimental things in that house, along with my grandmothers and uncles belongings. My grandmother had just passed away a few months before.

After that, she sold my kids christmas presents for crack and told me 3 different stories about what had happened. Claiming to be robbed. I had her commited for a psych eval after her boyfriend called and told me she swallowed an unknown amount of xanax. But they let her go after 3 days. The doctor said she needed detox but there was nothing he would do because she had to go on her own. they released her with a purse full of prescription methadone and hydrocodones that were not even hers. They were not even in pill bottles. She told them they were hers and they did not even check. She was my hydro supplier when I went through a period of heavy binging.

Before and during this time, within a year I lost all three of the granparents who helped raise me. My nana died of cancer, only after it tore her down leaving her a shell of the beautiful strong woman she was.

Anyhow, I just could not do it anymore. She would sit at my house and nod out and burn my couch and herself in front of the kids. One night her ex was chasing her down the street because she was having some sort of crack freak out and some SUV ran them over, my mother was basically fine except for some bruises. her ex was really fucked up and stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. She didn't even care.When they called me to pick her up I refused to go. So my bf went, he still wanted to try and talk to her, to help her. He had to stand there while my mother screamed at the doctor to give her pain meds. They had refused because she had coke, marijuana and opiates in her system. Finally the doctor gave her some pills just to shut her up. My bf told her I love her but I can't watch her do this shit anymore. I told her on the phone a few days later that when she was ready to get help I would do all I could.

My mother was a beautiful woman, who always wore designer clothes, who always put on makeup and looked her bestbefore leaving the house. Her appearance was important to her. She was smart, strong. I don't know the woman she is now. She was the type of woman who would never let a man bring her down...normally. Until she met Shannon ... and crack. Now she is a homley old street walker.

One day I will get that call.

A long answer to Michelles comment

I was going to answer your coment in the comment section but since it was soo long I decided to make it a post. So to answer your comment-

It's funny I was just thinking earlier how I would change the comment moderation. So I did, let the BS fly, lol.
My kids are with me, thats one thing I have been lucky with through all my bull shit,I have never lost them. I always made sure my babies were taken care of, no matter what I was doing. We did use with them in the house when we were binging on coke right before I got put on house arrest. And I do regret that. I know my 13 year old could tell something was up, even tough we would wait til they went to bed, we were still high in the morning. Now we only get high when they go to granmas house. Or if we do get high after they are asleep, it's ust a couple of shots then we come down and go to bed so we can get up in the morning and take care of them. I do take pills but that's way different then running around high from coke shots. They are 13 and 8 years old, two boys. I proably won't talk about them much on here cause I don't like making info about them available on the net, too many real freaks out there.
I have four tats and I am planning on getting both my arms half sleeved and a large back piece. I have a piece on my arm, it is two women intertwined in an embrace, looks kind of tribal. I got it when I was in a two year relationship with my ex girlfriend. I have a moon with a female face on my left shoulder. I have a skull on my right upper arm and I have the number thirteen done in purple flowers and vines under my belly button. You cannot even tell it's a thirteen unless I point it out. My ex girl has it too. 13 is my lucky number and was my grandmothers lucky number, she basically raised me most of the time. My mom has been an addict/dealer my whole life. The thirteen is not some hooky goth thing, it really just is my lucky number and the tattoo was for my nana too. I am an old school goth chick though. I love body mods too, my ears are 9/16" but next week I am stetching to 5/8", basically right now I can get my ring finger in them. I have my septum pierced and just stretched it to 8 gauge. I have my labret done but haven't worn it for awhile, it was causing my gums to recede. I also got rid of my belly button piercing, it always bothered me. And lastly I have the hood of my clit done, 12 gauge. I have had all my piercing except my ears for over ten years now, so I am not one of these dumb kids who just jumped on the body mod bandwagon and who will be taking their piercings out in a few years, lol. I also have dreads, this is my second set. I had long dreads half way down my back but I cut them off like a dumbass for a job and because I had court and the first time in front of the judge he hated my dreads. So I just started my new set of purdy black dreads 3 months ago and they are here to saty. I can't wait til I go for early release so I can dye some of them purple again.
House arrest sucks real bad. Although to me 60-90 days would be a cakewalk. I have been on for 14 months. I just got a new officer who won't let me do ANYTHING. Since I work at homw, phone whoring, I only get to go out for 2 hours a week to go check in with her. At least my other officer would let me go shopping,take the kids to school and go to school fuctions. But you won't be able to smoke weed. I haven't somked in 14 months.
I had reglaur probation. 5 years worth. On my first piss test I came up dirty for pot. They are supposed to give you a 90 day grace period to get totally clean but as I said the judge hated me because of how I looked so they put me on two years drug offender probation. I almost finished. the last month, 5 days before I went to my appointment, i decided (like a TOTAL dumass) to shoot 5 grams of powder with my bf and think I would be clean. So I violated. I absconded for 6 months before that caught me, we were partying way too hard during that time. It was a good thing I got caught actually, otherwise I would be dead with all the shit we were doing.
So thats that. feel free to email me anytime at undercoverkittie@hellokitty .com I am so glad that I found yours and Melody Lee's blogs. I really like reading them and feel a kinship with both of you. I hope we can be net friends.

**sidenote: I mentioned I had an ex girlfriend. I hate labels. I do not consider myself bi sexual. If one must label me I would be pan sexual (google it). I just don't look at someone for their sex, gender or color. I fall for someone for WHO they are not WHAT they are.

Wiped

Wiped out that is. Partied a little hard this wekend. Getting to old for this shit, haahaa. Takes me a day to recover. We weren't gonna do any coke shots this weekend, we don't want it to become a regular thing again, but Old Man called for a ride and a freebie. Hey, who can turn down a freebie? But we were good and didn't actually buy any, which is a big deal for us. Usually just a few shots leads to wanting more and more. Then I have been eating hydros the rest of the time. I am so wiped out today, lol. I can't party like I used to and just keep on going, gotta take a day to recover so that's what I am doing. I gotta go take a call now, this guy is a black guy who thinks I'm a big tittie, big booty ho. LOL

edit: I did an oxy several hours before I shot the coke and some hydros when I was done and it helped the comedown sooo much. That's why I wish I could find a regular hookup for opiates, mostly hydros but H would be good too. I HATE the coke comedown, it's getting to be too much.

Tomorrow

So, I am on house arrest. I go check in every friday. And when I get home tomorrow I have a pretty lil oxy waiting on. As for the story of how I got here it goes a little something like this:

Many moons ago, I was really fucked up. Eating handfuls of hydros all day, taking klonopins. Benzos are very bad for me, especially with alcohol. I black out and get extremely violent. I was going through some shit at this time. And my bf was not making things any easier. But that's a story for a different day.

So I had been out drinking and eating pills and I dropped my friend off before heading home. She begged me to stay but I knew my bf would have a fit if I didn't come home. Anyhow, some stupid little blonde teenage bitch who doesn't know how to drive, and who's parents gave her a rental car to drive for some fucked up reason, cut me off like 5 times driving down the road. She kept changing lanes and shit. Finally the last time she pulled into a KFC parking lot. I followed her in and tried to beat her ass in the parking lot. I know, it was a really fucked up and stupid thing to do. But I am not crying over it now. What's done is done aall I can do is take it as a lesson and move on.

So anyhow, I could not get to the lil snot nose brat so I got to her car then went home. Where I was promptly arrested and went about berating the stupid pigs who were unfortunate enough to have to take this call.

I go in front of the judge. Me, with blue dreads, piercings and tattoos. Crack dealers who had done serious time and been in front of this judge before walked with 6 months paper. I walked with 5 yrs. To make a long story short. I violated for dirty urine a few times and here I sit on 14 months house arrest.

I have since gone through counseling which, of course, didn't help a lick Until I came upon this one counselor, she was different. She must be the only counselor I know who actually gave a shit and was good at what she did. Thank god she got out of it before it ruined her and she became just like the rest. She now helps abused kids, she will help alot of kids.

So she helped me work on issues. Issues with my mother. Now I am still fucked up and I like it that way. But dealing with the things I did really helped me be happier than I have ever been. Now I am by no means like super happy. I am more content with life and that is way better than ever before.

Before my last violation, my bf and I got really bad on shooting up cocaine. We got clean for awhile and in the last 6 months have just started to party about once a moth. And I love to eat pills too but can't afford to do it all the time. I have a much better handle on my drug use and I do believe that some people can handle doing things in moderation I don't care if you agree with me or not and I don't give a shit what you have to say. Really...I don't.

This past weekend we went to the guy that gets the really good coke and that first shot about knocked me off my feet. it was fucking great. This guy wasn't around for awhile so the last couple times we got shit, it was pretty bad. It was so nice to have the good shit back around again.

So we had a good time and this weekend I am getting a few pills and thats it for awhile. We have to be all responsible and pay bills. Plus I have to be careful with probation. My release date isn't til March 2009. But my PO said after I get this one last class done I have setup for August 9 that I should go for early release. She will recommend me to the judge and my counselor will also go into court with me. I am not holding my breath though. Whenever I count on something it never happens. And I have the feeling that if it does they are just gonna put me back on regular probation. it's better than home confinement but i want to be free of this shit once and for all.

Ummm

i dont know what the fuck i am doing but meh...here goes nothing. i used to detest blogging, but i have come across some pretty good ones lately and i have been testing the blogosphere waters over at livejournal.

so you want to know about me. there is no way i am fitting it all in here, i will be here forever. the important points. i was raised by a drug addict/dealer. left home at 15. got married and had a kid at 19. divorced at 20. met chad at 23 had another kid, been together since. went crazy and smashed my car into someone elses. got probation, fucked up got house arrest and somewhere in there went to school and became a veterinary technician. but due to the house arrest the clinic i worked at doesnt want me til i finish up probation. so i am a phone sex prostitute.

thats the long and short of it. i know this blog will lead to me talking about my drug use, proably alot. even tho right now i dont use that often. i shoot coke about once a month, i eat pills when i can get my hands on them. i am looking at getting back to the basics tho. i started tripping alot at 16. i loved it, did it all the time. smoked alot of weed. but after watching my mother fuck up for years and put me in shitty situations, i was terrified of hard drugs. terrified yet drawn. i always saw shooting up as such a glamorous, rock star thing to do. i knew it wasn't. i am not stupid. i knew what it was to be a junkie, even without actually having been one at the time. still i was drawn.

i didnt touch any hard stuff till i was 23. then i went nuts, did it all. well almost, have never smoked crack. my mom is a crack ho now. maybe thats why, that and it just smells like ass. i have been looking to find a good dope connection, but havent yet.

my friend found a bag of H on the floor of a conveinence store and gave it to us. that shit was the best drug i have ever had. it was very light brown, almost white. i nose bumped that for like 3 days. it was perfection.

anyhow, i know i am gonna get some dumbasses that want to come on here and make stupid comments n such. to let you know right now. i dont care. i make no bones about what i do and who i am. dont want to hear, then be off. nothing you say is going to change me, hurt my feeling or even really do more than mildly piss me off. and you will be damn lucky to get that.

oh and one last thing. i consider myself a junkie even tho i have not had the occassion to shoot H yet. actually thats a lie, i almost forgot about that black tar c sent us. to me anyone who sticks a needle in their arm is a junkie. i am not going to argue this point with anyone. its just how i like to think.