Stupid

Probably going to make this kind of short because I am just too drained emotionally to get into all of it. Soooo, really stupid thing is this, my friend has been coming over to use my bathroom to shoot her dilaudids. And she has been giving me either half or whole pills cause she feels bad for knocking on my door 2-3 times a day cause she is staying with her parents and can't do it up there. AND because when her man left her high and dry awhile back and she was doing oxys, when she was sick I would break her off pieces of my subs to help her out. So yeah, stupid, stupid, stupid me, getting back into stupid shit. And of course now I am sitting her feeling guilty and stressed and anxious.

I don't feel like this will get like the oxys and no I am not saying that because I am in denial. I know it very well could go that way. But 1, my husband will never let me go down that road again. 2, dillys aren't like oxy, not for me, not for alot of people. I was even offered a blue (30mg oxy) and turned it down.  I want the fuck off the subs and today I was feeling really run down and kind of bad but it wasn't unbearable. But what makes it unbearable is my husband and his narcissism. When I am feeling bad and need him to help a little more or take over for a few days, he usually then decides to cut out on me. Usually, not always, sometimes he is great, but sometimes he makes things worse.

I am already supremely overwhelmed. With kids, house, work. He wanted to be a stay at home dad but he doesn't do half of what I did as a stay at home mom. I am the main bread winner now but still taking care of every-fucking-thing. IDK, I get no support, no understanding, no credit, except when he is in the mood. His love is definitely conditional, even for the kids. I can't even write anymore right now, it just drains me.