Suboxone is the devil

Ok, first, Matt's Mom just asked me some VERY good questions in her last comment which I will address in my next post and I will respond to Bugerlugs comment as well. But for now I have to make this quick. I am catching up on my hypnotherapy class. Did I mention that yet? I am taking a basic hypnotherapy class. I plan to do the full 1 year program as well. Just need to get caught up on billls n stuff first.

My main goal in this was to be able to do hypnosis calls for work and to make mp3's for my callers. But I ma seriously considering taking it a step further and offering "therapy" sessions by phone or cam for sexual issues and fetishes as well. Alot of people have issues with shame and guilt because of their fetish and I want to help with that.

But anyways, a quick note on the title. I weaned down on my suboxone. I tried jumping off and got HORRIBLY sick. HORRIBLY. Almost as bad as methadone wd's. The only reason it wasn't was because I got more subs after 24hrs. If I didn't, I would have ended up in the hospital. So I have now ordered Kratom to try again. I am also trying to get in with a doctor to get a script of baclofen. I will get into what these things are and how they have helped or are supposed to help in my next post or two.

 All I can say is IDK what to do. I felt so good about myself that I got off the oxy, got my life back. I am working, making money, taking care of my family...so proud. And now this. I knew getting off subs would not be easy but I had no idea it would be like THAT. I have to find a way. I am buying subs off the street and as we all know, that won't last forever. And there are times I may not be able to find anything and be left horribly sick again. That CANNOT happen. I want my life back. I am going to take it back. I just don't know how yet.

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I have a few plans, we will see how it goes. Wish me luck because I am terrified. And another problem is I am back to IVing my subs. Which shoots the BA up and makes them more potent. So even though I have weaned down I am making them stronger. I have to get that under control. I only have one needle left. After that it will be hard for me to acquire more without my husband finding out. I need to just destroy it and give him the subs I have left and make a schedule for myself. We will see how that goes,heh.

I have researched and researched baclofen and kratom and read many, many good things. I know my doses and how to taper n such. This has to work or I am fucked. I wish I had money for The House of Iboga. Google it, that place is amazing. That root is amazing. I used baclofen for the first 5 days off of subs and it worked great. But I ran out and that is when the horrible sickness came over me. The stomach pain was UNBELIEVABLE. I retched and puked and dry heaved til I choked. I am TERRIFIED. There was no reprieve, no rest, it never stopped. Not like when you have a stomach flu and you puke then feel better for a bit. No, it was constant.

Don't get me wrong, I think suboxone can be  great for some people. But it is a powerful drug that doctors are over using to make money. When I was put on it, I had weaned my oxy habit down to 30 mgs/day. That isn't shit compared to most. That isn't even what is normally prescribed. My doctor looked at me like I was crazy when I told her my does (my GP, not the sub doc). Asked me what the problem was because I was taking less than the prescribed dose. I told her the problem was that I was addicted, buying from the streets, taking for the wrong reasons. I wanted help and she told me to come back in 3 weeks and we would talk about it. WTF? When an addict comes to you for help, you don't fucking send them away. That was the stupidest shit I had ever heard. Well not THE stupidest but damn close. 

So I go to this sub doc, he puts me on 16mgs! For a 30mg a day habit. That was ridiculous. And he wanted me to take it for a YEAR! WHAT!?! I immediately started to wean down and use the rest to make cash to pay for his expensive ass. Fucking drug dealers, the lot of them. I should have been put on a low dose for two weeks and then weaned off. That would have been proper for my habit at the time. They way over use this shit and it ends up being worse than the oxy. All about the benjamins baby! Check out what the House of Iboga says about suboxone. How bad it is for your body. And it is true. After a few days back on it, I can really tell. And the mind cloudiness, never noticed til I tried to get off, crazy shit man, crazy.

So that is my sad, pitiful story. I am sad, terrified, not so proud now. But I have to do this. There is no choice. My kids deserve better. And that was another bad thing. My poor babies watching me be so sick. I know my little girl was worried. She was so happy when mommy felt better and that breaks my heart...

Important things

http://mydeadsonsjournals.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/august-4-tuesday-2009-rating-310-hardcore-user/comment-page-1/#comment-96

This is an amazing blog. It is the story of Matt. He was an addict who died of an overdose. His mom is posting his journal that she found after his death. This post in particular means alot to me. My comment explains why...

"What incredibly awesome advice. I try to tell myself something similar. When the laundry is piled up and the dishes are overflowing and I feel behind and overwhelmed by work but my kids just want me to take them outside and play or just sit on the floor and cuddle and wrestle. In ten years I won’t remember that clean kitchen, but I will remember my 3 year old putting her arms around my neck and telling me “I love you mommy” for the first time. Or my 17 month old learning to blow kisses and looking so silly and cute. When my older two were little I used to tell them mommy can’t play right now because the housework needs to get done. Now I say “screw the work” my little ones (and big ones, 17 year old will be out of the house before I know it) are growing up and time is going so fast. We don’t have long to get those precious, truly important moments in.

That’s also one of the big reasons that made me want to quit using. I was too busy chasing that high or just trying not to be sick and things with my kids got pushed aside. That is unacceptable and has caused me an enormous amount of guilt. And now I have to learn to not let the guilt hold me back. What’s done is done and can’t be changed now. But I can change what I do from here on out." (comment I left on the above post)

I must get completely clean for my kids, as well as myself. The suboxone has been great for helping me learn to live a "normal" life again. But it is still a crutch. I am scared to death. I have read so many stories of others getting off subs, alot of them are horror stories but not all. I have found a helpful forum at soberrecovery.com. There are others there facing jumping off. Some in very similar situations to mine. 

The thing that will be the hardest is having no support. My husband doesn't even know how to be supportive unless he thinks it will be getting excessive admiration. He can be great sometimes, but only when he feels like it. And I have no one else. NA and many addiction therapists say that it is impossible to get and stay clean without good support. But I have no choice. I cannot do this anymore. I have too much to be clean for. I also just had MORE responsibility dropped in my lap. Which will also make my kick from the subs alot harder. But oh well, I have survived worse. Still terrified though. And I have a feeling my husband is going to make me miserable. Well, more miserable. It's his favorite thing.

So my friend, Chris's brother (the friend who killed himself). He is having a hard time. He has been in the reserves and had signed up to go into the Army full time before his brother killed himself. He is at some kind of school for a month. he wrote to say that he thought it would be a good thing but has turned out not to be. But he only has 11 more days. Then hopefully he can come home. I mean back to Florida with his friends and family who knew Chris the best. I wish I could help him more.

I am having a hard time myself. I thought the funeral would help me reconcile what happened, get it through my head. I thought I could start the grieving process and get on with it. And I suppose I am in the process. But I can't sleep well. And I don't get alot of chance to sleep much these days anyhow with work and kids and household running. But I just keep seeing him in that coffin. How it didn't look like him. I just can't understand. This is so unlike the Chris I knew, or thought I knew. It has just blindsided us all. No one had any idea. And I think that is the problem. I think my need to always have answers and understand everything is the problem

So that's it, wish me luck cause I am sure gonna need it. And I see people are reading, feel free to comment. Maybe I should open up anon comments again. I just hate all the fucking ignorant crap you get from fucktards who have no life. Maybe I will think on it.

Til next time whores,

The Doll