I am depressed today. I supposed it is because of the slight withdrawals I am going through. That and life is just well, lonely. There are so many things I need to be doing, so many things I want to do, but I hold myself back. Only doing what absolutely needs to be done and otherwise hiding out. My husband is being a douche lately. He can be such a hypocrite and sometimes I truly question if he loves me at all. I think I am only what I can do for him most of the time.

Someone brought me a quarter of an oxy 30 so I don't have to feel quite so bad. I think of going to the methadone clinic. But I have kicked methadone before. It was the WORST experience of my life. Especially when you have to get up and live life and do shit and take care of people. I know I'm a piece of shit, really you don't have to say it. There is nothing you can say that will make me feel any worse than I can make myself feel.

I have new trinkets for my dreads. Which are so very long now. They are 3 years old. Maybe one day when I feel better I will attach my new pretties and take a picture of them for you. Boy I'm all over the place aren't I.

I am going to start phonewhoring again soon. I can't wait to make some fucking money.

Lonely?

For some reason I am feeling a bit sad. Maybe I am feeling a bit lonely in the world right now. I haven't been sad is so long. For most of my life it was so normal for me to be depressed. Now I am not used to it anymore. I don't get to see many of myfriends right now. Everyone is so busy just trying to get by. Plus alot of my close friends live in another town or out of state. A few of our closest friends have just bought houses so they are working their asses off right now. We all are feeling kind of the same. Sad they we haven't been able to hang out. But it's temporary. Plus I just got in contact with an old friend. We were so close once. But she did something shady and that was that. She didn't do it to purposely hurt me. She's just real fucked up. Anyhow, things will never be the same for us. And I don't know that I will ever find a friend that gets me on that level. No one ever gets me.

so to all the anons out there, now is a good time to take some shots at the poor miserable junkie to make yourselves feel superior.

edit: i am worried about c. his brother walked in and found him banging and told him he had to go to inpatient rehab to be able to continue to live there. he is going to move out. i am worried that he is gonna fuck himself up or maybe even od. he hasn't been up there long enough to make any good friends that really care for him. i wish he would come home and let us care for him. i would even clean up if he did so i could help him get clean. but he would have to listen to me and stay wawy from the ppl he left to get away from and i don't know he would do that. i am scared for him.