Well what do you know

I may have some pills on the way after all. MAYBE. I never count my chickens before they hatch or they will die. But what I noticed is when I thought I wasn't going to get any, I was ok with that. Even though I have whined about it for a few days. I usually get really cranky and miserable at least for the rest of the day after probation if nothing pans out. But I didn't this time. I just said oh well and went about my buisness without another thought when usually I obsess for the rest of the day. hmmm...

I have gone through many addictions over several years. Valium, xanax, weed, alcohol, cocaine, pain pills. It always goes like this. I start taking something, just partying every once in awhile and as usual the addiction grows, consumes. I get really strung out, then something happens and I have to clean up. I stay clean for awhile then I go back to indulging in my fav drug every once in awhile. usually after all this happens, I can use occassionally without getting strung out again. IDK why this is exactly. All I can chalk it up to is what I said in a previous post. I am one of those ppl who learns quickly from her mistakes, most of the time. Not ALL the time. But after going through a really horrible time with a drug, well that stays with me. I can remember well and it keeps me from going overboard again.

Now even though I am feeling confident about having control, who knows, I may be strung out by this time next year. You just never know with me. But I know that I cannot live my life without any kind of mind altering substance. Nor do I want to. Can't and won't, call me what you will. All I can do, is try my best while still trying to enjoy life in the way I am accustomed

The only drug that threatens that is shooting coke. I feel like I have a good hold on that now. But I have to keep in mind that I could easily loose control. As long as I keep that first and foremost in my head then we are peachy. But who knows...

Our main reason for keeping ourselves in check is money. We just don't have enough. We got behind on the bills and had to have my inlaws help us out. So we just can't have that happening anymore. When we were at our worst we never stole from anyone, we never sold our possesions, we never ran scams. If we didn't have any money then we just didn't use.We always joke that if we hit the lottery we would be dead in a month. Really thats not funny but we have always had a very morbid sense of humor. Of course I realize that if we had been using h that proably would have been different. That is a very different drug and the withdrawals are horrendous. I have never detoxed off h but I have off methadone and it was HORRIBLE. I have also detoxed off of painkillers but that wasn't so bad. But the methadone, OMG, so I assume it is very similar. I have never been so sick in my life. And my neck and head hurt so bad I thought I would die. When I was on my painkiller kick my mom used to get methadone from her friend who was prescribed them, she was an old lady that had some sort of accident and they gave her methadone for pain. And my mom was on hydros so I had the major hookup and that was bad, bad, bad for me.

Also my man...he has amazing self control with drugs. he has always been the one to be able to hold onto stuff and be able to put it down and leave it alone when it's time to be done. But when it comes to shooting coke he loses that. Which used to scare me. I thought if he has no control then we are both screwed. But instead of both of us just completely losing it, I have found the strength to have to be the one to say "thats enough" and make it stick. I hate having to be the responsible one or the one in charge usually. But I can always step up if I see no one else will. I can't say it enough and if my friends were here they would say the same. I am not your average person or junkie. But then again what most ppl don't want to realize is junkie are ppl and they are not all the same. Even the ones who may seem to be "typical". I have learned time and again, never make assumptions. the universe is just waiting to prove you wrong.




I love getting all this stuff out of my head. I used to write it in a notebook but I couldn't write fast enough to keep up and would get frustrated. It is just so liberating and the comments really stimulate me to look at my situation from different sides. Sometimes I get stuck in my lil world and it becomes difficult to see from another point of view. Something I used to pride myself on. It is important to be able to do that, sometimes I am doing somthing really stupid or wrong but I just can't see it til someone else shoves the mirror in front of me.